Wednesday, January 31

:: amah ::

i cant stop thinking of u...
i miss u....

i nearly lost it tday...
i nearly lost the only thing i have tats yours...
i nearly lost the only thing i can rmb u of...
i nearly lost it....
i'm sorry...

i dunno wat to do...


i really miss u...
its been a year...
and i still miss u so much...

i heared the little cousins calling happily when the saw a moth on the
wall... it was green in colour. jus like the cheongsam u wore when u
passed away. i hear them calling to yeh yeh "amah is here!" "amah
came..." and i understood why all this so -called superstition came
upon. i guess we want to believe tat u never did leave us afterall. that
in some way or some form u are still watching us.... and sumhow i wan
to believe it too.... i still miss u dearly....

orchids-ur fav...


Monday, January 29

oldies are good.....

Buy Me a Rose by KENNY ROGERS

He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
Three car garage, her own credit cards
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss goodnight
If he could only read her mind
She'd say:

Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open a door for me what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the litte things
I need the most of my life

Now the days have grown
to years of feeling all alone
She can't help but wonder what she's doing wrong
Lately she'd try anything to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she'd say:

Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open the door for me what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the litte things
I need the most in my life

And the more that he lives
The less that he tries
To show her the love that he holds inside
And the more that she gives
The more that he sees
This is the story of you
and me

So I bought you a rose
On the way home from work
to open the door to a heart that i hurt
And I hoped you noticed this look in my eyes
cause im gonna make things right
For the rest of your life(rest of your life)
And I'm gonna hold you tonight
do all those little things
for the rest of your life.

i am not emo.
i am not feeling lonely.
i am nt missing him.
and this song is not looping in my computer.

who am i kidding?

hmmm... intimacy issue...

how to u know when its the end of a relationship?

it's odd how a relationship deteriorates. how a realationship turns bad.
some ppl blame it on the lack of intimacy. but me? frankly, if it
would've happen, i would blame it on intimacy itself.

no worries, for those who knew me n the relationship tats goin on in
my life. because NOTHING IS WRONG. ppl like me. i tend to think
alot. and i do not noe y. mayb i jus have too much brain juice in my
brain and i think of nonsense all the time.

because a fren called me tday and she said tat she's "losing it". curious,
i asked y. bad move. she claim tat "it isnt the same anymore".so yea,
she blames tat the fact tat they hardly "spend time with each other" so
the relationship goes down the drains. and that gt me pondering n
thinking. is it really so?

next thing tat pops in my mind: am i weird?

coz i do have an intimacy issue. yes, i have a problem wit "being close". i
really do. when i was in lower secondary, i'll end the relationship at the
point when the bf tries to kiss me. later it was the "will u come over to
my hse tday?" line, once the bf pops tat question, it's a straight away
goodbye. and i've been thinking for days n weeks. WHY? and i think i
figured it out.

sumhow or sumway, i tend to link intimacy wit the fact tat ppl are
shallow. shallow as in they only see wat is outside. i've always been
chubby, and ppl say eventho i am nt "gorgeous", i can turn heads. and i
dun like it.i dun like it tat somtimes ppl look at my breast when i'm
talking to them. and i dun like ass grabbing bastards too.

jack-ass boyfriends could be the main cause tat i'm nt comfortable wit
the whole issue. why the hell must guys objectify gurls? i may nt be
pretty but i do noe tat beauty can have brains too. i hate the fact tat
jackass idiots use to discuss wat bra gurls were wearing during gym
class. and i'm sick of the fact tat ppl try their luck wit gurls like me,
coz we seem "easy". do i in any way look like a slut to u? baby-T's and
short pants doesnt necessarily means a bitch okay?

--This is for my girls all around the world
who have came across a man that dont respect your worth
thinking all women should be not heard
so what do we do girls? shout out loud!
letting 'em kno were gonna stand our ground
soo lift your hands higher and wave 'em proud
take a deep breath and say it loud!
never can, never will
cant hold us down!-- christina aguilera(hold us down)

i hate guys like tat, i hate guys tat act like they're sensitive and sweet.
but in the end, its jus to get u in bed. tats jus sick dude. fact is, guys
are guys. and they'll always be. no offence to the make readers ya. i
have a fren tat's bf never kissed her b4. and they're as close as ever.
frankly, my deepest respect to them.

deep down i guess i believed tat the only way for a real relationship to
work, is not to depend too much on intimacy. tats y i run out of every
relationship when it gets "serious". i tend to be attracted to a relationship
witout so much intimacy. i would rather be in a relationship where i can
jus go his hse n fall asleep in his bed witout worrying wat would he do.
i would rather be in a relationship where we would talk n go out instead of
making out.

sbb says i'm into the "platonic love".... and i tink so too. Can two friends
sleep together and still love each other in the morning? tats the tagline
for a very good old show. When Harry Met Sally. the show was out during
1989. and its a very good show.

so the question : does sex interfere wit love?

my answer is.... i think it makes love less meaningfull. somehow i'm afraid
tat it makes ppl forget whats more important. satisfying ur own need or
wat the person u love really need??

i talk too much...
mayb u dun get me...
dun worry..
nt alot of ppl do.


Sunday, January 28

:: was it meant to be? :: part x :: the finale ::


to make this last post less confusing.... the orange ones are for scott... the green

ones are for callie... and the black ones are the narrator...


he sat there tday. jus waiting. din noe wat he was waiting for. jus sat there
waiting. it was a normal day of work for scott, he gets up in the morn, bathed,
changed... grabbed breakfast n rushed to work. it was suppose to be a normal
day too, he would've jus finish work. go home. have dinner. n go out again for
his 2nd job. (yea...he worked double jobs... wats a high school drop out suppose
to do?). he worked in a shop in the mall. normal 9-5 job. he was frankly doin
pretty well for himself lately. *smugs*

it was a slow day, not much customers. so he sat there. waiting. staring at
the crowd outside the glass window as they passed by without looking inside.
it was a boring day. doodling on a sheet of paper at his desk. thinking of lunch.
hey! its 12.30pm okay?! spare me tat look!

he looked up from his place, and a familiar face passed by. whaaa...? he stood
up. stared at the person who jus passed the entrance of the shop. could it be?
and she turned her head to look in. it is her!! they're eyes met... for tat few
seconds scott tot he would've jus rushed out. but the crowed outside was busy,
and she continued walking. wait!!!

"hey, i'll just step out for a few minute k? smthg to do." scott hastily told his
partner of the day.
"sure... dun be too late k?" but b4 he could finish. scott dashed out of the shop.
searching for that face in the midst of the crowd. he couldn't find her!! where
is she?! he took out his phone.... amy...bonnie... bobby... callie... callie!!! he


betty wanted to buy her prom dress. and callie offered to bring her around
town to find the perfect bargain. they went from shops to boutiques to malls.
one by one. the whole day... it was tiring. and they were running out of places
to go. betty was... hmmm... thin!! and petite! to find her a dress was like
dressing up an ant!! kinda dramatic but yea... tats the situation! finally
callie remembered a mall in the other corner of town. she use to go there. but
her family went there lesser as malls were popping up everywhere.

they parked and callie was surprised at the amount of ppl there. no offence
but the mall was not as "happening" anymore! its more like an "auntie's
bargain house" now... and perhaps because of that, the crowd on that day
was like a HUGE "auntie convention". they were everywhere!!! betty
n callie struggled thru the crowd. finding gaps and a tiny way to move ahead
of the stampeding aunties.

in the midst of not getting separated, finding their way out and trying not
to suffocate, callie saw smthg... or sumone.... could it be? she tries to get
a better look. stretching her neck, cursing tat she wasnt 4inches taller.
it was him!! she tried to stand there and wave or smthg... but whoa... the
aunties were pushing like elephants... it was madness... so she continued
walking. probably din see me anyways.. doesnt matter... so they walked
along. buthen the phone rang.


"pig head!!!" scott screamed into his cell. he din cared wat the world was
"haha... hey... doneed so loud la... ur jus a few metres away." she chuckled.
the familiar voice replied. scott grinned. she remembered.

i let her go one too many times. not this time. i'm never gonna let u go
again. not this time.

"aahahha... it was you. i tot i saw yet another auntie... hehe... where r u?
stand stil will ya? i go find u!"

as scott walked towards her. it was all messed up. he couldnt stop
smiling. but he still dunno wat to say. wat can i say to her? its been
so long....

he stood there. staring at her. he wasnt even listening clearly as callie
introduced her small friend standing beside her. he jus stood there.
all he could thinking about was looking at her. staring at her. capturing
her every movement. her every expression. her smile, her dimple,
her twinkling eyes. why the hell did i ever let u go?!!! dumbarse!

she hugged him. he melted. speechless. he held her in his arms. so tightly.
afraid tat if he hadnt she would've disappear. in the middle of the crowd
they hugged. it felt as though the whole world disappear. it was jus them.

its been so long... but it still felt the same. the way u look at me. the way
you smile. even ur hair smelled the same. the way u blushed when i
stare at u for too long. but i cant help it. i just cant. i wanted to tell u tat
i love u. tat i've been waiting soooooo long. tat all i wanted was for u
to be be mine. i wanted to tell u tat i've changed, i'm a better man now.
trust me. i am. i wanted to tell the world tat i am the luckiest man
alive. i wanted to tell them tat u are mine......


hearing his voice brings back so many memories. callie jus stood there.
looking at him as he walked towards her. bad boy scott. in slacks and
glasses. and a collared shirt. he's different. i'm glad. he's nt lost after

staring at him. it all came back. the smiles, the tears. the memories.
the past. all that she's been cleverly avoiding. it all came back.she
couldnt avoid it any longer. he was standing there. lovingly jus staring
at her.wat could she do? she couldnt make up her mind... not
until the very last minute.

she ran into his arms. and he held her tight. she could hear his heart
beat as it thumped in his chest. she could feel her legs shaking as she
felt his warmth. she couldn't bear it any longer. another minute in
his arms and she would've break. she would've jus break down n
cry. torn apart. confused.

after they hugged. callie slowly let go of scott's shoulders. taking deep
breaths, she tries to calm her emotions. fighting very hard for the
tears to not show. but scott din let go. he released her from his arms.
but he held on to her hands. he wanted to say smthg.oh god...
please dun.... not now..... please...

"no... scott stop. not now..... please...."
"but why? "
"just dont."
"if nt now den when?"
"2 years ago... at the carpark."
"callie.... dont...please...."
"i'm with some one now..........sorry....."

no one knew wat happened to scott nor callie. maybe they did end up
together. mayb they din.

ppl always asked. y did he wait so long? some ppl say tat callie still
loved him as she did. some said she jus din wanna risk being hurt
again. while others said tat she jus got tired of waiting.

so the question is... y did they waited so long? wat were they waiting for?
the perfect timing? or the perfect person? the perfect moment?

waiting for a 2nd chance? or jus waiting for the one and only? if it is so?
den how would u ever be sure n certain if TAT was the perfect moment?
how would u ever be sure tat it was the Perfect Person?

ppl use to say tat love was trying with the right person at the right timing.
was it true? mayb scott could've been the one. mayb callie jus gt sick of
being hurt. mayb it wasnt meant to be at all?

so.... was it? or was it not?

waiting for the right person.... whose hands fit exactly into urs. waiting for
the right timing.... where the stars allign and the wind was kind. waiting
for the right moment.... where u'll blush, and the whole world disappear.
how long do u plan to wait?

wat makes ur so certain tat there would'nt be a better fit? wat makes u so
certain tat it was the right moment? so does tat mean u'll have to wait

waiting for smthg to happen in the future.... y not jus embrace the present?
what if there's a better person out there for us? question is... wats wrong
with the person u r with now? "i'll tell her when the timing is right." y cant
u tell her now? wat if.... tml smthg bad happens to u? wat if tml she wouldnt
feel the same anymore?

its ironic. isnt it? how we always hoped for a better alternative? how we wait
for the perfect one. sumtimes we're jus too obsessed waiting for the future,
to appreciate wat we have in the present.

translated lyrics- how many times can love rekindle

always blaming myself for wat i did tat day,
i'll always regret letting u go the other day.
y is it tat we love each other,
but in the end we still end up being apart?
who would've tot tat i would see u again tday?
in the midst of so many ppl.
all these year... i've lived on.
couldnt tell u if it was good or bad...
but it jus felt like...a part of me was missing.
but i soon felt tat, u still cared for me after all these time.
how many times can love rekindle itself?
yet how many ppl are willing to wait?
after learning to appreciate everything,
how sure are u tat the love u had is still there?
so tell me.
how many times can love rekindle itself?
and how many ppl is worth waiting?
when the love u have is already dying,
how many of u still have the courage to love again?

:: 3niGma ::

Friday, January 26

:: funky day ::

hehehe.... i noe i havent been updating much.... my bad... paiseh nye~
hmmm.... so wats new?

:: number 1 ::
i have a new nap partner... his name is Ross!
he's brown n white n black... he has flappy ears and big HUGE googly eyes!

ppl say he looks like you! hahhah... mayb he does! well, he's warm n fuzzy. he's soft n
cuddly. and he has HUMONGOUS eyes! yea... i thinks it's the last part la!!! but most
of all, the thing tat resembles u the most, is the way he stares at me wit those HUGE
eyes... hehehe... kinda like the way u do it it too!!!

:: number two ::
aM3 bought new pumps!!! and soooooo did i!!! wahahah... we din buy
on the same day la... we've been on the search for the "ultimate pumps"
for ages... n mine went "kapoot" last week... so i gotta get shoes a.s.a.p!!!
BT teman me and we went to point b to look at shoes.... and they
were on sale la... so i bought me my pumps... the simplest wan... n the
least "auntie" wan la... and they were pretty comfy!!! i likeee... but
30 bucks to me is pretty expensive lo... haih... wat to do? cheapo ppl like
me... haih... i told tz, he said it was okay... hmmmphhh... and i told aM3
after tat.... she went hyper tat it was cheap wooo... haih... klang ppl n
subang ppl... weird....

so the next day... i temaned aM3 to buy dem shoes again lo... akkakak....
and we wore dem tday!!!

akakakka... sum auntie at the college lift were staring at our shoes!!! ehhehehe...
probably think we're bonkers!!! ekekek... cute wert~~! *blooooo*.... i dun care!!

:: number three ::
theres a new shop in summit!! chinese shop la.... food not bad... apparently BT
is hooked to it lo!!! tat girl!!! she's been eating lunch and dinner at the same shop
for 2 days non stop!! we went there for dinner again tday!!! she's psycho... i think
within the week she's gonna be the VIP customer in tat shop lio!!! wahahhaha...
we had fun tday din we? jus hanging out and talk... we hadnt been doing tat alot lately...
too busy i guess... we were too caught up in wats gonna happen... exams,finals,
everything... to appreciate wat we do have... *hugs!*
:: number four ::
watson gt new promo... shall not dweel more on this!!! i like!!! wahahahha....
cute nye~~!

whoa...gotta rush.... tata for now!!!


Wednesday, January 24

:: was it meant to be? :: part ix ::

callie quit sunday classes. she stopped mingling wit tat group of frens.
she did everything possible to avoid remembering him. she avoided the
outings. she avoided the gatherings. she avoided the parties. everything.
i dun wanna see him. i dun wanna talk to him. i dun wanna have
anything to do with him. i wan him to be forgotten.

callie wished tat she had the ability to wipe her mind clean of scott.
everything he ever did. every single heartfelt moment wit him. she
just wished tat she could turn back time n change everything. she
wished she never knew him.

she stared her new life. a scott-less life. a new year, a new start, a
new environment, a new aim, a new guy, a new purpose, a new life.
she moved on...

could this be real? had she really done so well for herself? if it is, den
y does her mind still creeps around at night? if she really did moved on,
y is she still thinking of him occasionally? how is he? where is he? if
she did moved on, den y is she stil so tempted to send him a msg once
in a while? -hey, how r ya?- -i noe life's been tough on u.- -hang on
okay?- she hesitated. in the end, some weren't sent to him. but sum did.
and if callie did moved on as she claimed she did, she wouldnt be waiting
by her phone everytime she sent a msg, she wouldnt be mad if he din
reply. he's forgotten. well, at least sumone is moving on. how could he?
and she wouldnt squirm n twist in delight if he did. he replied! mayb he
did rmb....

but as time goes by, callie grew along. and very slowly...very very
slowly... scott wasnt so important anymore. yes, she would still grin
foolishly if she were to have heard any news from him. but very
slowly, it din matter if he din either. days passed, weeks went, months
flew.... soon its been years since the last time callie met scott. she
was happy. happy? erm.... how bout "contented"? yes... she was
contented wit her life.

life was well. exams were okay, school was fine, she did put on abit
weight (hehehe), but it aint all tat bad, jude was being well...
jude.. he's sweet, he's nice, he's smart. in case ur wondering... yea...
jude's the new guy. he's sweet n he's nice. he's well mannered and he's
polite. he's sensible and he's rational. he's patient and he's all around
great. but he's not him.

but y think of him still? y in the world is scott still an issue? i havent
talked to him in ages. he doesnt matter anymore. he shudnt matter
anymore. but he feels like the right one! but how long am i suppose to
wait? waiting for him is impossible. its disappointing and hurtful. so is
he worth the torment? is he worth waiting? how can u still find the
courage to love each other when the love u have is already dying?

mayb it's fate. mayb its destiny. or mayb....he's just not worth it...?

the finale is up nex...
:part x:
so.... was it really meant to be?


Thursday, January 18

:: was it meant to be? :: part viii ::

its over....
she's gone....
i blew it.....

callie left the church classes soon after. guess i did end up ditching her.
she din come back. left. gone. naaah...maybe its for the better anyway...
like she'll actually end up wit me?! although he did wished it would've... but
it din...


time flies. months gone by without her by my side. scott din call callie. he
din even attempt to find her back. she's better off. it doesnt means tat callie
was forgotten. he thought about her constantly. she was always in his head.
how she always stroke the back of his head when she comes up from behind
him. how her secondary school skirts are flare and they'll fly up like an
umbrella if the winds too strong. how she'd smile at his lame jokes. how
she accepted him as he was when the whole world din...

all i wanted to say was tat i missed u so badly. i love u. i really did. but i
was afraid. afraid tat i would've hurt u. afraid tat being me, i would'nt
appreciate u. afraid tat i would screw up the only good thing tats happened
to me. now i know. there are some feelings between us. neither of us have
ever really told each other. and we shall always remain the best of frens.
but the only one who knows how i really feel is myself. wat would happen if
i told u?

i love u....
i wanna hold u in my arms...
i wanna be the one u would turn to when ur troubled...
i wanna be the one to comfort u n support u....
i wanna be with u....

lying in bed. all scott could think about was how much he regreted wat
he said. all he could think about was how much he wanted to be a part of
callie's life.

if it was meant to be.... things would've been different. if it was meant
to be... they would end up being where they are right now. if it was
meant to be...... they wouldn't be hurting.... yet... if it wasnt meant to be
... y does he miss her so much? it if wasnt meant to be... y izzit tat he felt
tat she misses him too? if it wasnt meant to be.... y is it feeling so right?!!!

he took out the pictures.... every single one. she looks the same. we look
so right.... the vibe was gud... then how can this be wrong when it feels so
right? he ran his fingers thru every faces in the photos. reminicing the
past. how we use to smile like all we need in this whole wide world was each
other. mayb it was wat we needed all along... we were jus too coward to admit
it... i was jus too coward to admit it.

give me two years... i jus need to pick up my life. get everything right. jus
give me two years... and i'll come back. a new man. me at this point. i have no
rights to have u. i dun even dare to say tat i deserve u. jus two years.

jus TWO more years...

part ix....
the end is coming near....

Sunday, January 14

:: was it meant to be? :: part vii ::

              --- callie,
                    do take care of yourself coz i no longer can.
                            wishing you best of luck in your future, scott.--- 
     there it was, a note, sitting right at her table in class. sitting right on
top of it was gastric tablets. he knew. tears began streaming down her
cheeks. he cared. her fingers were trembling and her vision was blurred.
she clentched the note tightly. y din he come? why?

     i wanted to tell u so many things. how much i missed u and our long
talks. i noe it wasnt meant to be as we are from different worlds. i noe
it may be too much for me to ask for more den jus frens. i wanted to tell
you tat i stil cared as i did and it'll never change. boyfriends were pushy
and touchy. they were jerks and they din giv a damn accept how to get
into my pants. but u din. i miss you. i go out there hopefull and i failed. i
couldn't find friendship or relationship with the innocence and trust we
had. if we had such chemistry, why isnt it meant to be?!! WHY?!

     heartbroken at dissapointed at the world. callie was depressed. was it
really meant to be?
they are totally different ppl with totally different
personalities.she was from a world where the most important thing at
tat moment was scoring in exams and being a prefect. while scott grew up
learning to watch his back whenever he's walking. he grew up carrying a
knife in his pocket and a stick stashed in his car. when callie was worried
bout proms and dates, scott was dodging cops. then again, how can they 
be so close to each other emotionally when in reality they are worlds

     everytime she sees scott bandaged, she knew. must be the
fights. how it hurts her to noe. she worried day n night, she prayed so
hard tat he would be fine. for years, even after scott left the mafia. he 
was still "involved" some way.
     "must u go?" callie would ask. hoping tat he would say no.
     "i gotta do this. he's my friend." scott would say. it seemed so
"matter-of-fact". but it is not! 
     "i tot u quit?!" callie was desperate. she din wan him to go. she
noes wats ahead. he'll come back hurt, bleeding... she could bear it.
she was concerned. wat if something bad happen?! wat if he got 
hurt?! please dun go... please...
she looked up at scott. silently
begging tat he could stay. somehow scott did understand. he hugged
her tightly.
     "i wun get hurt okay? i promised. i jus gotta do tis. please
understand." scott smiled. and he left. he din come back in one piece.
but tat sin stop callie from worrying and pacing around her room
everytime scott pick up a call.

     there was once scott din appear for sunday class. it was weird as
he always came. callie became curious but she din asked. becoz it
was getting awkward between dem. stuck in between. soon the 
teacher came in.
     "where's scott? skip class a?" the teacher asked. callie listened
tentively hoping to know wat did happen to him.
     "he's in the hosp." scott's sis answered. the teacher was shocked.
so was callie. wat?! why?! wat happen?! so many question began
popping in her mind.
     "wat happen o? is he okay?" some students asked.
     "he's alright. he was pretty banged up. motorcycle accident." the
class gasped. they were discussing it. everyone. everyone but callie.
she was speechless. she din know was to do. she was stoned. wat
happen?! is he alright? pretty banged up?! wats tat suppose to
mean?! oh god... please let him be alright....

    after class she quickly went home. she tried asking her parents if
she could go visit. but her parents were reluctant. growing up as she
did. she abide. she din argue. she jus went back into her room. held 
a pillow in her face and started  to cry. why? she din know. the tears
 jus came. out of fear... out of concerned... out of worries... perhaps... 
out of love? she din wan him to be hurt. she weeped n weeped. she
wished she could be there. at least jus to know how was he. but she
couldn't. all i wanted to be was by ur side.

     for the nex weeks, scott still din showed up. callie was worried. he
was banged up. its been 2weeks. wats wrong?! everyday she would 
linger around her hse phone. she would pick up her phone and dial tat 
familiar number. i'll  jus call  and ask how is he. tat all. but when
someone picked up the phone. she paniked. wat if he din wanna see
she hung up. 


     it weird what we have. ppl tell me i deserve better. mayb i do.
which wan do i deserve more? a man with great results, nice family
background, steady life yet with no sparks? or a man tat i cared for
and i still tink he cares for me too? so wat if he doesnt study and he
use to smoke? so wat if he was involved with the mafia? screw dem.
screw it all. wat if all i wanted was him all along? other boyfriends
din work out. i ended up comparing him wit dem. how we can click
and i couldn't wit dem. how he understood me without me saying
a word and they din get me if i drew dem a clear picture.

     in around a month, scott did come back. slightly battered up, with 
a bandage  around his chest. yet he still smiled at her. he still managed 
to melt her heart every single time. tats it. i'm gonna ask him. end 
this confusion.

     "gald to see ur fine." scott turned around. he smiled. he seemed glad.
     "hey you.... tot u were talking to me anymore... hehe.." scott replied.
chuckled abit.
     "u tot i wasnt talking to u anymore so u drove ur bike up the roof?!" 
scott looked shocked at callie's reply. den he laughed.
     "guessed the whole world knows huh?" they laughed. den there was
this awkward silence.
    "hey, can we talk? " callie asked.
    "sure... of course. wat u have in mind? " scott followed callie up to the
    "we can talk bout anything right? i dunno how to ask this. so i'm jus
gonna ask u straight."
    "erm... yea... sure..."
    "do u like me? i mean "like me" like me...? i keep sensing tat u care. so
do u?" callie was looking at him. straight in his eyes. hoping tat it was true.
tat all this torment was worth it. it was real....

    "......... urm... callie, how shud i put this... i do care for u... i really do. but
tats all.... it not wat u think. really... sorry...." he smiled. and he left.

      callie jus stood there. she jus stood there. she couldnt feel her legs. she
held on to the nearest wall. she leaned on it. she slided down to the floor.


part viii....
still want more?


Wednesday, January 10

:: was it meant to be? :: part vi ::

     i don't understand. why am i stil thinking about u? i cant help it! i cant....
i try to forget u... but i dont hav the heart to... 

     everyday he sat there, every single day. waiting for her. scott dropped out 
of school not long after the accident. he wasnt the "studious material" anyway.
but tat did not stop him from thinking about her. he waited in a car right
outside of school. every single day. jus to catch a glimpse of her. just when she
stepped out of school, he'll duck right below the dashboard and he'll reappear
after a few seconds. thats scott. he din want to have anything more to do wit
her. he jus wanted to see her. how is she? she's thinner. exams this year,
must be the pressure. dun give up carrie. u'll manage. i noe u will.
theres so
much that he wanted to tell carrie. but no. i'm not gonna reappear in her life
n screw it up again. it wasnt meant to be.

     after a few months, scott started to take up some odd jobs. saloons, phone
shop... stuff like that. the scott tat was out there in the society,
"philandering" would be the best word to describe him. every day, every
few weeks, different gurls were by his side. mayb he changed... naah. mayb
he forgotten callie. mayb its an failed attempt to forget her. mayb he is a
jerk and he'll always be. mayb... i dunno...  he doesnt care anymore. be it
gurls. or girlfrens. or even sex. it doesnt matter to him.

     i heard she's dating some guy in her school now. apparently he doesnt
really give shit bout her. tat son of a... why am i so mad? its obvious she
moved on. its eve obvious so did i. so wat if i dun care bout dem? rebecca
or nicole or connie? truth? i cant remember their name. but at least i'm
trying..... am i? den wat about her?

     scott's confused. night after night he'll worry. everytime rumours spread
to him. he'll worry even more. is he treating her right? wat are his intentions?
why am i worried? she's none of my business anymore... whatever she does,
it no longer has anything to do with me. how her hair short now. its none of
my business. how she looked weird with spiked hair. its none of my business.
how she fool around with jerks and bastards rite outside school. its no longer
any of my business.
caught in between. misunderstood. scott din know wat to
do. he misses callie but he knows tat the damage he had done is beyond repair.
he couldn't turn to anyone. no one understood. everyone tot he was a bastard
for doin wat he did. okay... mayb i was!

     but callie never did. she never judged me. some how...some way... she
no matter how messed up the situation was. she never gave up
on scott. n scott knew tat.

     she never judged me. not when i was smoking. not when i was being
childish. not when i dropped out. neither when i was switching gurls like
shirts. she din like it. but she din judge me. its always weird how she
ends up picking up his mixed up signals and his silents cries for help. she's
always been there.

        and i let her go..... one too many times.

     he picked up the phone. but he din call callie. instead it was amanda he
     "hey amanda? scott here."
     "oh, you... why?"she's being hostile as usual.she never liked me.
     "erm... have u seen carrie lately?"
     "erm.... carrie? y?" she sounded weird. wats wrong?
     "amanda? u there? wats wrong??" scott paniked. please dun. please...
dear god
     "urm.... she's right here. we're at the hospital. she had stomach ulcers."
 shit... no... gastric?! no... please...
    "scott? u there? scott....? scott?!!"

    there was no reply. he ran. he took his car keys, and he rushed out the

    "nurse, my fren...callie... stomach ulcer..." scott was panting and he couldn't
catch his breath. he paniked.
    "room 2107 sir."
    he dashed off as fast as he could. wats wrong wit her? must have skipped
meals again! i told her never to do tat!! why wont she listen?! she never
he reached the room. room 2107. right before he open the door. he
checked his reflection on the window of the room. she shudnt worry bout me.
do i look ok? ok.... no more panting.. no yelling. casual... i dowanna pressure
then jus as he was checking the room. he saw. a guy right beside her bed.
holding her hand.

     scott backed off. he left.

part vii....
comin up.



Thursday, January 4

:: was it meant to be? :: part v ::

      ever since scott went wit debbie, callie sort of started to kick scott 
out of her life. she try not to talk to him, she din wan anything to do wit
him. scott is goin to be gone from her life once n for all... n her heart too.
     "hey, y u guys not so close edi wan?" ppl use to ask.
     "y shud we be? haihyah, ppl gt gf d... dowan interfere lo..." callie would
answer casually,carefully covering the tracks of her bleeding heart. he lied
to me. he played me a fool. i tot there was smthg. turns out to be jus a
 fragment of my imagination. he lead me on.

     "haiyah, jealouse izzit? dun la... not meant to be la!" amanda would always
say that. yup. not meant to be. never was. he's a jock, i'm a ... forget it!

     since scott moved on, i would be an idiot if i waited for him. i shud try
to get my mind of the bloody betraying bastard.
but it wasnt easy, not with
scott's popularity n definitely not with debbie rubbing it in her face every
chance she can get.
     "hey, did u see scottie anywhere?" debbie would run up to callie n ask.
wtf? scottie?
     "urm... no." callie would give her the shortest answer in her brain. she
avoided them any chance she can get.
     "haiyoooh... that boy a.. so hard to find him... yunno la... his things all
with me... wanna find him oso hard..." debbie would say with her oh-so-
*excuse me* -bitching tone. callie heard enough, she jus glared at her,
wishing deep down tat she could jus pull all her hair off her head! debbie 
soon knew that she was barking the wrong tree and would back off....


     forgeting scott was easier said den done. he was everywhere. he was
there when callie finished school, he was there during church. and the
worst part was the fact that scott still treated callie the same.
     "hey..." callie's heart skipped a beat. she turned around in shock at the
fimiliar voice behind. scott? she peeped behind his shoulder, no sight of
     "watcha doin here without debbie?she might throw a fit jus seeing us
 talk." callie would always try to answer scott calm n collected, ignoring
the fact that her heart was thumping  fast and the fact that scott was
staring at her so closely. okay... all i need to do is jus end this conversation

     "naaah...she's alright. i came to see you. u alright? haven't seen u much
recently." scott reached out his hand trying to hold callie's shoulder but she
backed off. scott looked abit dissapointed. but his dissapointment was far
far faaar different from wat callie was feeling. please dun touch me. i'm 
afraid. any more of this torment and i'll jus run into  your arms and cry. 
how could u do this to me? u lead me on, u made me believed in the
imposibble. den u left me out to die. what do u expect from me now?

     "dun liddat la.." callie said while trying to hold back her tears. "later debbie
sees u... u'll get in trouble." witout waiting for scott's reply, she jus pushed
away his hand and walked off. she couldnt stop her tears. she hated herself
for still feeling the same way. WHY?!
     wat really did the trick? callie was walking along the building one day, and
she saw debbie dragging scott's hand as they walked behind the block. she
waited for a while n she waited awhile longer. she couldnt help it. she walked
behind. yes, she followed dem. and there they were.... .... .... .... .... .... ....
his hands were locked with hers... she was in his arms... it was unbearable....
a kiss.... her hands were wrapped around his shoulders as her right hand
slided up to his neck...
.thats it! she snapped.
     callie never remembered crying that much or that hysterically before.
all she knew was, this is the last time she's shedding a tear for him. so she went
home. days and nights went by as she weeped the nights aways. wat was a
lovestruck 14 year old to do? she cried. n she cried. she cried till her eyes were
puffy and she could cry no more. thats it... scott is never gonna get near my heart

part vi... coming up.
i noe callie's story is abit slow compared to scott's.
patience my dear readers....


Wednesday, January 3

holidays, christmas and new year...

sorry... tday its jus a normal post... :: was it meant to be? :: will continue soon enough... mayb a week? akakakka...

owhkaaaay... updates!!!

christmas was funky! we had the "secret santa" at me uncles place... someone got me a pair of funklicious leaf motived ear rings!! i dun hav ear rings THAT big... but they're pretty... so i figured, "heck its a new year comin! try smthg new den!" ....after brandy and wiskies... afew beers and champagn... i went to mp's hse for our sleep over!!

cArToOn$ sleepover!!

i havent seen them in ages... it was jus the 5 of us... kc, sk, ws, mp and me!doing crappy kiddo stuff like chasing each other around, getting wasted n drunk wit beers... whacking nachos and pringles like they were sum healthy food... drank rootbeer like it was oxygen to live... so yea... it was prettywhackky!! we watched emo shows like Just Like Heaven, farney shows like Confession of a Teenage Drama Queen and of course lovey dovey shows like Cinderella Story (gosh! Chad Micheal Murray is HAWT!!)..... tz dropped by for a while around 2am after helping out at his friends place... he looked like *honestly* crap! tired and sickly, sleepy n sick... not in his best shape at all...had to kick him out a.s.a.p coz it was getting weird... n he's starting to look he wasnt drunk... he had fever and was really really really lack of sleep....

but anyways, we continued our siaoness till around 5.30am... den one by one we all K.O-ed...
ws slept 1st, knocked out cold like a rock! we shifted her whole matress to the side n she din even budge! den mp oso slept, boy did she went fast! it was like "snap!" she's gone! kc n sk n me talked for abit... den kc slept too... we were talking den all of the sudden there was no reply from kc's side...we even tried poking her! sk n i... we talked n talked... we talked till around 6.30 den sk's tummy was getting upset due to the beer so we went n sit at the kitchen... we continued till 7.30am!! after that we weren't sleepy anymore!!! we walked out of mp's hse n went running around playing at the playground nearby! we came back around 9... no one was up... THEN we sleep... n we woke up at 2pm!

i do wonder sumtime if we're drifting apart. its hard to know. we seemed close. yet when we think about it. some of us arent tat close at all. there are those tat we are close n me. mp n ws. kc n sk. sk n me. but the rest? i dunno. mp said ws hasnt changed much.but i disagree. we all changed. the only thing tat ws din changed much was, she is still like a stranger to me. she's been like tat since we separated class. its odd coz our whole gang seemed to close. when ppl ask me bout sk n mp, i cant tell dem everything. but when ppl ask me about ws, i'll go... erm... "she studying in inti lo... business.." end of conversation. wat ever happened to the gurl who use to bug me on the latest fashion. and the gurl who would chat wit me bout her relationship wit her bf... the form2 gurl who use to sit in front of me and turn around just to bug me! its weird how ppl change. we do sometimes witout knowing it. i've became less tomboy-ish, mp became less banana-ish, kc was caught up wit waaay too much work, sk was more open up but ws, she's still feels far to me... n it hurts me to think about it.

reminizing the past mayb i shudn't.

new years...
when the whole wide world was celebrating, mp was at one utama, my sis wasat bukit tinggi, mom n dad even went out. and i stayed at home in my room, doin my marketing assignment. pathetic. ppl say to celebrate the new year with your loved one. if that is so, N must have loved me alot coz he was my1st caller in year 2007. weird huh? and THEN ppl ask, wheres ur bf wo? well, i'll say ... "urm... out?" ish... stop asking la...

i wanted to be by ur side on the last minute of 2006 and the 1st of 2007.
but i couldn't.

hellooooo 2007!
01/01/2007.... hellooooooo year 2007! mummy and daddy n sis went to kuala selangor for dinner n fireflies. i was stuck at home coz i gotta do my photoassignment n i need to giv my slr back to mp a.s.a.p... tz picked me up at 7pm.i packed my slr n films n digicam n tripod n hopped on his avanza. we went for dinner at pizza hut! being wit him was easy, i can eat all i wan! n heck, he's seened worst! we ordered pizza (stuffed crust), speggeti, mushroom soup, n bread! the table was so packed we gotta stack up out used plates! it was hilarious! we were stuffed n full... he drove me to the palace road in klang town. for those who arent from klang, its the road that leads to the selangor sultan's palace. its up the hill. long windy road in the middle of town where the road lights were never dimmed. the trees by the road were lighted wit christmas lights n deco lights. it was beautiful. the palace road was lead to a small park in the middle of town. there was a huge fountain with lights and everywhere was red n yellow lights(selangor ma)... dimmed orange lights in thetrees n in the fountain. it was breath taking. after i finished my photos( partly...jus the ones i wanted) we jus sat there in front of the fountain.

living in klang for so many years, i've never noticed how beautiful this part of town was. (only this part of town, the rest is crap okay? jus coz its near the palace!) i never noticed how much i loved water especially at night! i never noticed how chilly a night in the city can be and i've never noticed how warm ur hands are. i never did noticed how ired u looked under the lights, and yet u were smiling jus watching me fumble with my gadgets and tripods.i never noticed how my head fits right above ur shoulders and i never noticed how head fits right at ur chest when we hug. i never noticed how you part ur hair to ur left n ur hair is always buggingur eye. i did noticed tat night that u were smiling all the time. n i noticed tat u like the smell of my shampoo. i noticed that when u break too fast, u'd put ur left arm right across to hold my shoulder down. i know i have my limits and i thank you for not treating me like u treat the rest. i know i have my over-high boundaries and i thank youfor nt pushing me. muacks!

dont mind me... i'm jus emo-ing...


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