Sunday, February 18

happy chinese new year everyone!

last night was chinese new years eve. woke up early... helped out
doin the chores... uncles n aunties coming down to klang for reunion
dinner.... i came down the stairs and i see yehyeh sittin in the hall....
as usual, he was reading the newspapers....

"yehyeh!!! " i called cheerfully. he smiled....

it felt odd... jus calling yehyeh... normally i would come down... call
yehyeh as he would be sitting at his usual place at the reclining
chair with his back facing the main door... and i would turn jus a little
and call amah as u would always be sitting on our couch...

then it hit me....
this would be our 1st new year celebration witout u....

then in the evening... the uncles and aunties came... we were happy...
it was a little bit more quiet then usual... but it was "owhkay"... den
my eldest sis brought our family's latest addition-ethan, my nephew....
den it was noisier. they laughed. he giggled. it was all well... soon 12
o'clock came near, and we could hear the firecrackers and fireworks
outside... the kids ran out to watch beautiful display.....we use to put
out firecrackers too. not one. not two. we would tie 3-4 continously
and light them up. few years b4 tat, we even bought the whole box
that sends firworks to the dark blue sky.

now... we jus watch... parhaps the law did scare us a little. perhaps
not. mayb we jus werent in the mood for new years after all. mayb
the econimy aint tat good this year. mayb we're jus "kiamsiap"...
mayb we jus miss u alot. i dunno.

i rmb when we were kids, and we use to play fireworks outside. the
younger ones would play "pop pop!" while the older one like my
brother would play stuff like "bumble bee" n those that can fly a
little... and you would always be there. even tho u had asthma...
u would stay wit us kids... u would chuckle when one of the small
ones gt scared of the misfired firecrackers... u would smile at the
effort my three year old cousin use to squish the tiny "pop pop!" ....
u always love chinese new year... u love it when all our relatives
come home, when ur sons and daughters all come back... when ur
grandchildren children all gather in the same place... how we
laughed n we talked.... and even tho we'll chat till 2am cometimes...

u would stay awake as long as u can no matter how tired u are.... jus
to join in the fun.... we would talk about my frens and families...
things we heared... things tat happened... and every year, u and
yehyeh would talk about frens in ur circle tat passed... n there're
would always be a moment of silence in the circle as we all hoped
n prayed for their loved ones... we would talk bout tat teacher who
gt cancer... and that kind hearted lady who was sent to the elderly
home.. we would talk about tat uncle who bang his head on the
cupboard n passed....

this year... we talked about u... amah... all the little small things u did
for us... how u collect egg shells to make jelly for us... how u liked ur
rice hard n nt soggy... how we named the soup spoon as
"amah spoon" ... how u would stich our teddy's eyes wit matching
buttons... how u would scold us when we gamble... how happy u
would be if u lived to see ur great grand children- ryan and ethan...
ur great grand sons... how u would be us brand new night gowns
every year... even for me n my sisters... we're 17 and in our
twenties... yet every year, we would still have hello kitties and
winnie the pooh night gowns.... sometimes, we would receive
matching pyjamas wit little cows or little pigs printed on the outside....

i went to bed crying last night...
i cried myself to sleep....
i went to bed last night and i ushered in the new years with my
pillow drenched in tears and with no new night gowns.

i woke up this morning with swollen eyes... i purposely put on make
up to cover them up. happy chinese new years ppl! we changed
and we went down stairs... as usual, there yehyeh was, sitting at
his reclining chair....

"yehyeh!! gong xi fa cai!!" we called... he smiled...
"guai lo.... this year must smile wan a... my granddaughters look
very pretty when they smile..." he replied...

it was odd as he said that to every single member of our family
member this year... jus as we were preparing for the usual tea
ceremony... we brought out the tea, but this time yehyeh did
not want to accept them... he said tat amah is gone now, and
theres no more need to follow these traditions.... we jus kept
quiet...

its ironic isnt it? how yehyeh wanted us to be happy but in the
end he had to bottle up his sorrow and depression... we could
all see tat he's tired... n he misses u... the thing is... so did we...

its been more than a year... yet... it seemed like it was jus yesterday... its hard...
goin thru new years this time around... all around me, everywhere we go...
we can hear the chinese new year songs... "dong do long dong chiang"....
"gong xi gong xi gong xi ni ya!!".... yet, with all the havoc outside... in my
heart, its another tune tats been playing all the while... a somewhat slow
and melancholic tuned... and with tat tune comes a slideshow playing back
the past... every single moment i spent wit u... its been playing back... and
every time it does... i wished i had more... i sickens me to find tat my memory
wit you is so limited...

and it hurts even more to find tat in these captured moments, i've hurt u n
dissapointed u so many times... how i would yell and pout when u rushed
me to go to school... how i would frown at u when u grumble me to do my
homework when i was in primary... how i delayed n postponed my driving
tests so many times jus because i was busy... and until the end i missed out
my chance of ever driving you arounf town... so many things goin thru my
mind right now... sorrow, regrets, sadness, depressed...

teacher said tat i should learn to let go... to rmb you of ur kindness and the
good that you've done to us... i do.. i do think of ur kindness because
there's no evil or bad side at all... u've always been sacrificing for us... how
u've always been trifty and you would save money for our education....
how you always wanted us (the grand daughters) to have a career... how u
always said tat ur blessed because all ur grandchildren can study... how ur
always so proud when my sisters, cousins and i get good results... how u
told us tat we would make our family proud... how u always wanted us to
work... and contribute to the society...


i am... and i will...
i promise...
watever u wanted me to do...
watever u hope for us to succeed...
it will happen as we are striving towards it...

amah...
deeply missed...
always remembered....
forever loved....

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