holidays but stil.....

when is the "fun" part gonna start?

theres...showcase commitments...
holy moly its.... suffocating.
from contractors to sponsorship hunt to chasing after money to... designing wallpapers.
lols
interesting buthen... haih...
memeningkan .

then theres the prefect camp/kcba thingy.
lols.
eventho i still have no idea wat will be my duties,
i can predict more long nights of planning and discussions and meetings.
help...

i feel like digging a hole and HIDEEEE!
ryn

letting go

i noe that if i do not let go.
there will be no chance of us ever being the friends that we were.
theres jus so much memories and history.

honestly.

i hav no idea how to "let go" of it.

i noe it will be better.
i noe it will be easier.
perhaps all i need is time.

yes.
i hope thats the case.

busy bee

tday has been a havoc.
a mess!

soooo much to do!
contractor meet ups.
driving in the middle of damansara's tiny weeney roads is simply impossible.
getting lost! and the only sign towards the main road is "temple" n "rubbish dump".
lolz
KEN!!!! ooo... tqtqtq! for tolerating my panic attacks. to temaning me ans representing me coz my cantonis TAK BOLEH PAKAI.
:)

redrawing the event plans.
acting like sum kiam siap auntie.
"jimat"
"WHICH WAN CHEAPER???"
"I WAN CHEAPEST!!!! " BUT KENOT FALL DOWN!!!
lols
remeasuring all that.
urgent call for henry my ever ready archi-kawan.
OOOOO my superman!!!
1 call... i noe i can count on u...
:)
immediately he came to rescue me...
LOLZ.
seijor... i was gonna jus sit by the road side n cry man.
sobs.
but he was nice enough to count, measure, draw and analyze for me.
wahahah.
I WILL BELANJA HIM MCD ANYTIME MAN!!!!

lastly, LOVE MATTERS.
i was really looking forward for this movie.
thousand apologies to mandy for dragging and making her wait.
and all the things that happened tday.
really sorry to mandy n wishan.
i've really been busy. and everything is like UP TO MY NECK.
can choke n die now.
really soweeeeeeee.

“Love Matters” is a movie revolves around three main protagonists –

52 year old Tan Bo Seng, 17 year old Benny his teenage son and 36 year old Jeremy, Bo Seng’s ‘adopted’ brother – and their accidental journey in seeking and keeping love and happiness.

Bo Seng (Henry Thia) leads a routine life. Attempts to revive the passion with his wife Jia Li (Yeo Yann Yann) cannot improve their stale love life. Henry Thia's Bo Seng and Yeo Yann Yann's Jia Li are husband and wife of many years, and they experience marital woes of not being appreciated and witnessing their sex life evaporate. Throw in some male ego-centric anxieties, and that sums up the first arc, a subject matter that Jack had tackled with That One No Enough

Jeremy (Jack Lim) lives a colourful life, colourful in reference to his long list of girlfriends. “Never to commit” is his motto for love.

Benny (Alex Leong) has just school life, his only vice is anything to do with the computer, his only distraction is his crush, Jennifer (Natalli), his classmate’s girl.

Bo Seng & Jia Li the old fashion couple has more misses than hits in the love department and a series of madness spin off one night …

Jeremy meets Benny’s teacher, Ms Wong (Cheryl Lee) - a lady, unlike the wild things he has had. His charm wins him her heart, but his Casanova means refuse to take a back seat, a new lady friend threatens to change his life …

Benny starts to see hope in relationships, when Jennifer notices him and invites him over to her place. Over the visit, Jennifer’s friendly attention, takes a turn into something that Benny wish he has not been…

“Love Matters” is a humorous and entertaining look at love, happiness and issues concerning our straight laced society. It is full of trade-mark Jack Neo’s laugh-a-minute jokes and situations yet combined with a sensitive look at how we deal with issues concerning matters of the heart.

Interestingly enough. I did not noe that this is a show done in Malaysia KL. LOLZ.
i tot its a singapore show. hoho.

i heard that it is a far cry for jack neo's great works as alot of parts were pretty badly executed.
lame jokes. weird kiddo actors, especially the "teenager" parts.

but the reason y "love matters" interested me was the message it was trying to send.
1. i tink it is one of the very few ( if nt first few) sex related movie in Malaysia.
2. i tink the most sentimental part of the movie are done by the veterans la. the husband and wife. one of the main message was that after being married for so long, " i do not know if u still love me" idea came up. its seriously true in the sense that alot of couples fall apart after being married for so many years. and after 20, 30 years later they find themselves wondering if their partner still loves them like they use to. given that they have both aged and so occupied with their family. there oso the "jus because we dont have sex anymore doesnt mean that i dont love u anymore", the whole marriage concept has been put up to the challenge in this show.

it may be a little bit over dramatise, it maybe a little bit too theatrical. it may not be Jack Neo's best work. but heck, it shud still be a watchable show laaaa...

woots!

random posts:

• i lost weight. 3 kgs to be exact. dunno lari go where but i seriously dun care.
• i've got back a new memory cards. YAY more candid phone photos!!!! my old memory card died. kesian i have to survive without camera memory.
• i need to go ikea to buy..... frames and boards/racks. GOT SALE!!!
• my room is now 3/8 painted. i chosed brown red n yellow in the end. :)
• i'm broke. like pokai jor. money still at negative now coz my finals claims. dun dare to show parents. LOL. wahahah. seijor.
• i'm hooked on to McD's now. thansk to ah soo. die lo. gonna go fat again.
• i've recently contacted back alot of OLD OLD frens.
  
• i'm currently hooked on to a bunch of malay/indon songs. and thanks to eunice, bro-chris, mr andy! and THANES! i'm now overdosed wit indon songs!!!! damn fengtao man some. :)
  -changcuters
  -ungu
  -kerispatih
  -dewi
  -dellon
  -andra
  -d masiv
  
• lalalal.

ryn

pack up.

my finals are done people!
*yay!!!*

*jumps around*

rested 1 full day of pure ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
syok nye.

i havet touched my room since we broke up.
all his stuff/our stuff still there.
mayb i'm nt ready yet. i dunno.
i just kenot tahan la...

den tday my mom opened my room door.
thats the end la.
she went into "cleanup" mode.

i'm forced to face it abit earlier den expected.
i seriously dun get her la.
i keep telling her that i will clean em up.
jus not now.
i keep telling her "i will settle it".
give me sum time.
i keep telling her DONT TOUCH DEM 1ST LA... i'll do it!!
y in the world couldnt my mom understand???
ish.
she yelled back.
"TAKE ALL THESE RUBBISH AND THROW LA"
"NO BIG DEAL WAN... I DUN UNDERSTAND Y U WANNA KEEP ALL THESE"
"U HOR!!!!"

...
...
...
...
..

i wanted to like explode "U NEVER SAT LUEN BEFORE IZZIT???" "NEVER BREAK UP EMO BEFORE MEH?"

ish.
anyways.
i had to pack em up
i din not want to.
it still sakit la~~
bangang betul.

as i went through the photos... the notes... the letters... the little gifts... the flowers... the presents...
i wailed and cried like sum fountain la...

its like everytime i placed sumthing into the box...
i tell myself.
"it over"

ouch.

sakit a~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my eyeballs now...
like "seeeeee hammmm"...
bengkak la!

ahahahah.

random note:

• my hse is wifi friendly again thanks to my bro-in-law.
• i feel like repainting my room... either dark red+light light yellow... or dark dirty green with light light green... any suggestions???
• i wan to go ikea... anyone wanna bring me there?

rain.

i love rain.
i like the feeling as the raindrops fall on me.
which is y i find sitting in the tub under the shower very very calming.

it rained today.
it poured heavily.

it felt so saddening.
yet at the same time, i'm holding on to every drop and every moment of it.

i pick myself up everytime.
it still hurts when i fall.

:)

these two days have been great.
great people.
beautiful help.
wonderful free lunches and dinners.

i honestly feel blessed.
from tahpao-ed supper at 2 am.
to McD late dinner at 9.30pm.
so much.

caryn feels so loved.

more to update soon.

:)

day 10.

ten days have passed.
i've learnt to let go.
i couldnt say that its a success.
but i can say.
i'm alright now.

i really am.
i may not have "let go" 100% ... yet.
but i'm moving on.
and i'm learning fast.

:)

for the people who have enfured my tears and my wails.
for those whose ears couldnt have fallen off jus hearing me mumble.
thanks you.
for those who have their shirts wets from my tears.
thanks.

:)

day 9

photographs are always something i love.
i can spend my days wandering around snapping away.
it brings me peace. it calms me.
they are not always the best shots.

but it brings out my emotions.
it signifies... ME.

i took a walk today.
too frustrated with work.

something to share:
this is how it feels like. breaking up wit my best friend.
the rain brings out even more than i expected.
its day 9 now.
and i tink i'm doing well.

missing him is.... inevitable.
i still miss him tremendously.
but its tolerable now.

and i'm now on submerge in my assignment.
so its still ok.

i still get emotional occasionally.
but everytime i cry, it gets better.
i'm slowly letting go.
progress is going quite ok.

i dont go on and on and on and on with sadness bout breaking up la.
LOLZ.

emoness gets lesser and lesser from time to time.
sadness tones down as well.
i'm moving on pretty fine i reckon.

its been alrite.
no. no.
i'm alrite.

:)
today i give myself a 75%.

ryn

day 8.

habit.
i hav this weird habit whereby i think things differently.
and its not in a good way.

i'm considered a realist, where i always have to plan ahead. i always have a backup plan and i always think too much. i'm always anticipating a problem/crisis.
when in reality i am in fact a pessimist.
when its smthg related to me.
i'll relate it to the negatives before i see the positive.
after denying it for so long.

i'm ..... wrong.
shit. after all these years.
he is right. :/
=.="

你说分手后，第二天就马上就去买了一个闹钟。
这。。是你要告诉我你不再需要我了吗？

想了想，发觉是真的。
这两年多他说的是正确的。
我想东西真得很奇怪。
很多时候我想事情会一直针对自己去转。
我好像对我自己很有偏见列。

明明他是说，他在学习着怎样照顾自己。
“当已经没有人帮你做这样事情，就要学习自己做咯。”
他嬉皮笑脸地说。

实在是的，我也在笑我自己傻。

today...busy busy busy bee.
i went out to with mandy tday.
ahaha. it was fun...
tho i still cant believe we spent nearly the whole day there.
:)

mayb coz i had mandy.
and maybe coz i was out tday.
also maybe coz i was so busy.

i din emo much tday.
:)

70% it is la for tday.
：）

day 7

我用我的心，感受你的痛。
with my heart, i try to feel your pain.
我用我的爱，聆听你内心。
with my love, i listen to your heart.
我用我的生命，照亮你的生命。
if i can, i'll use my life to shine on yours.
我不期望你成为什么。
i do not expect you to be someone else.
只要你内心欢喜。
as long as deep down u are happy.
因为我爱你。
because i love u.

我和你在心中，一直默默的承诺。
in our hearts, we solemnly promise.
不管多远心依然会靠近。
no matter how far the distance, it wouldnt effect us.
我和你风雨中，虽然偶尔会失落。
in all this rain and storm, its inevitable that we will get lost and wary.
但在黑夜灯会亮，心会开。
but when darkness comes, so will the light to shine on our hearts.
让爱回家。
to bring us all home.

its interesting how the brain work.
yesterday when i 1st heard this song, because i was thinking of him.
i thought of him.
and the words in this song became so emotional.
today when i hear this song again,
its different.

this is a song about love,
this is a song about hope,
this is a song about companionship.
honestly, this is a song about family.
its so subjective, how we think.

interesting how our emotions affect the way we look at things.

temple was fun today. it was tiring yet it was pretty great.
running around, being 1/3 of the designated photographer.
taking part in the performances.
helping the new MC.
tzer din come today.
actually i kinda anticipated hi nt coming.
coz we were up yesterday night till 4am.
=.="

DONT WORRY PEOPLE!
nthg dramatic happened.
it was jus a friendly "so how are u now"talk.
bout valentines.
bout his plans for valentines.
poor boy actually booked a table and roses.
so in the end, he ate a lavish valentines dinner with one of his hengtai-buddy.
and i have no idea wat happened to the roses.
den they went chick hunting in clubs.
but nevermind that.

after a fun morning-afternoon with the kcba ppl.
i actually went to find tzer.
to give him back sum of his stuff.
today was the 1st time i saw him and talk to him after we broke up.
we sat in the car and talked.
for almost 2 more hours.

我握着他的手臂，心一阵阵的痛。
也许还没完全放下吧。
但是握久了，也感觉到没那么痛了。
他永远都会是那么熟悉，亲切。
真得就做回“好朋友”那么简单？
得确，我们不会是“好朋友”那么简单。

不过即使我们没在一起，我们还是保持了朋友的关系。
no matter wat was the reason , we still remained friends.

但是心底清楚，对这个人，你比朋友还多了一份关心。
deep down both of you knew, that you cared more than just friends, just a little bit more.

即使不能跟他名正言顺的牵着手逛街，你们还是可以做无所不谈的朋友。
eventho you all didn't succeed as a couple, you all are still as close as ever.

经过了这么多风雨，彼此在对方的心中，是特别的。

永远都会是。

todays results a???
hmmm....
60% la...

day 6.

grades tday ---- 50%.

i noe my results getting worst and worst.
haih.

its valentines day.
fine.... blame me for missing him still.

i went back to the temple tday to help.
so much memories.

the hall, the corridors...
doin all these activities together.
everything reminded me of him.
we have so much history, and so much of them are within the temple walls.
i didnt participate in this particular song they were rehearsing.
in fear that i might breakdown and cry on stage tml. O.O

today....
still, a few tears here and there.
people in the temple are the nicest.
they really are.
caryn feels loved.

talked to the teacher for quite abit.
it wasnt as bad as i thought it'll be.
after 6 days.
i'm pretty rational now.
so its still good.

tml....
i'm nt sure if tz will come.
kinda "gelabah".
if he comes.... would it make things worst?
he still isnt picking up my calls.
he jus messages me...
sumehow, part of my emoness now is because i dun think this whole "best frens" thing is gonna work...
i still wanna be frens... i thought he wanted too.
now... i'm nt sure...

on a different note。。。
caryn says:
up to this point i've never regretted doing wat i did for tz
caryn says:
nor would i say i wish it never happen
allie says:
thats good
caryn says:
even if i'll fall for another diff guy
caryn says:
doesnt mean i'll take tz as a "lesson learnt" kinda thing
allie says:
it means u truly cherished it le...
caryn says:
i'll prolly give even more coz of wat i learnt
caryn says:
look
caryn says:
problems like this.
caryn says:
is between u n the bf
caryn says:
and the whole world isnt important
caryn says:
i say fuck the world world for judging. they are nt the one dealing with it
caryn says:
its between u n him. it shud always be.

allie says:
today day 6 pass also ma (:
allie says:
i add 5% for ur sensible talk just now
allie says:
55%

final score 55%。
：）

Valentines.

Happy Valentines Day.

day 6.

TQ

TQ*
name nt fully disclosed in fear that his girlfren will kill me.
lolz.

but he is yet anothe one of my by far surprisingly sweet and nice frens.
he is painfully sarcastic.
and painfully straightforward.
he always threatens to slap me to my senses or whack the shits out of me.

yet.
if i had a prob, he will call me up straightaway.
he will talk me through 3 hours of crap.
he will listen and still try to stuff sum sense into me.
thats him.

:)
TQ, you fat chubby bear.
orea mcflurry on me!
hugs.

day 5.

interestingly.
today wasnt half bad.

altho i admit i'm still nt up to the point where i can jump up and say "HEY! I'M SO OVER HIM LA."
coz i'm not... over it yet.
i'll admit that.

but days get easier easier to go by since i got the closure that i needed.
emoness when down alot. i still stone abit abit.
but its still alright.

i still misses him tho.
but that too is at a tolerable level la...
:)

i spent my today.
with a whole lotta frens... a whole lotta guy frens whom i havent seen in ages.
from college - sun, soo, sam and ken.
to high school - karkiat, yincheng, wenhsien, liruey, ben. chick frens too- shyuan, chiawoon.

sun and synced seems to be one of those "unexpected" frens...
whom from time to time remind me that it's ok to feel the pain... i'll get over it... in time.
its interesting how at times like these...
these few new-er frens seems to surprise me more and more.

when the clock stroke 12am....
i msg-ed him tday.
wished him valentines day.

we chatted for a while.
seems to be alright.

today---- my grades ---- i'll give myself a 60%.
i have a feeling its gonna be this way for a stagnant period of time.

lols

刘力扬 - 眼泪笑了

比想象中更痛 你真的没回头
我命令眼泪不许失控
回忆不跟你走 都挤在我心中
我就有责任让它值得被珍重

谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候

我眼泪都笑了 谁还想哭呢
再勇敢的站着 找回光和热
面对你的时候 我不会舍不得
因为你已是过客 因为路有些曲折
是美的

心碎成了沙漠 就快开凿绿洲
我没有时间不知所措
你温柔的双手 本就不属于我
又何必在乎它以后属于谁呢

谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候

我眼泪都笑了 谁还想哭呢
再勇敢的站着 找回光和热
面对你的时候 我不会舍不得
因为你已是过客 因为路有些曲折
是美的

你眼泪都笑了 谁还会哭呢
来不及完美的 就唱首骊歌
想起你的时候 我不是卑微的
反而我没有遗憾 因为我已爱过你
深深的

day 4 aint that bad! :)

tho it was indeed an emo night.
however, talking to a bunch of frens really did help.
alot.
some of dem i never taught would be so nice, sweet n caring.
thanks ya... to the bunch of unexpected ppl who sayangs me.
yunno who u are *winks*

sorry people.
i noe i made u guys worry.
perhaps its withdrawals la...
after being with a person for so long, i kinda got use to it.
it felt like a sudden emptiness, hilang tempat bergantung. *lalalala.

after 4 days, things sort of grew into perspective.
altho i still get the sudden urge of wondering wat in the world is he doing.
but i've made peace with myself.
i noe it was gonna happen.
i noe why it happen.
and infact it wasnt a ugly breakup.

everything happens for a reason, regretfully things din work out between us.
but at least it din get any worst.
:)

i'm proud to say. "i've thought it through." :)
things didn't work out between us. i get it. we've tried.
we're still frens. i'm blessed its still like that.
breaking up doesnt mean that we've stop caring. we'll do fine. we've gt each other.
:)
maybe....just maybe we might sumhow work things out again as a pair.
but it isnt now nor would it be in the very near future.

lets just give it a rest.
let it be.
for me to focus more on my family and my studies and of course my life.
and for him to work out his work, his career and his directions.
its a good decision. now looking at it with a clear mind.

now its time to pick myself up and continue walking.
to try accepting him again as my best friend. (nt very hard wert!)

i'm proud to grade myself today wit a 70%!
:)

*breath * *breath deep*
in time... it will be better.
in time... it will be fine.

:)

看样子，第四天应该也是吃零鸡蛋了。

12/02/2009 4点早上

Synced - Window7 says:
你应该早点休息。。

caryn says:
i still gt so much assignment nt yet do
caryn says:
plus
caryn says:
我不想酱早睡
caryn says:
一个人躺在床上，只会胡思乱想

Synced - Window7 says:
一样de。熬夜做不到好东西。

caryn says:
跟他这么多年了，我整个房里都是他送的东西。都是以前的回忆。

Synced - Window7 says:
想就想啦。。应该好好想一想de
Synced - Window7 says:
才第三天。。

caryn says:
我不要。很辛苦列。。。

Synced - Window7 says:
不想才后悔。
Synced - Window7 says:
一样的。。不想就不辛苦ma？

caryn says:
什么“要做回好朋友“的。。。
caryn says:
都放不下，叫我怎么可以又嘻嘻哈哈的去见他，做回以前的朋友啊？
caryn says:
想。。。 只会让我更辛苦。
caryn says:
因为我们不是因为不爱而分手。
caryn says:
依然是爱。。。但是却无法相处。两个极端不一样世界的人。我们太多的冲突了。连我们都解决不到。
caryn says:
所以呢。。。 我其实很不甘心。更是心疼。

Synced - Window7 says:
我不是你所以不知道问题在哪。。 如果是我，我不会放手de。。爱对方应该有方法ba。。

caryn says:
要快三年了。我们一直在试，一直在撑。
caryn says:
有问题就谈。。。谈不好就让。。。
caryn says:
结果到最后，彼此因为“让”而接受了一些完全自己不认同的事。
caryn says:
结果到最后，他辛苦。我也辛苦。
caryn says:
我认识他快10年了啊。。。 以前就是朋友， 当初决定要在一起是彼此都觉得“跟自己最好的朋友在一起”是多么幸运，更是多么美好。。。。
我们一直都没有放弃，也是因为这点。。。。
caryn says:
但是当走到最后，看到事实。很心疼啊。。。
真的心疼。
caryn says:
决定放手，是因为我们不想要这段感情走下去到最后我们连彼此这个好朋友都失去了。

Synced - Window7 says:
不可能再回头吗? 没得鞔 ？

caryn says:
兜了这么久。“分手”这个选择。。。我们一直都没有去看它是因为，我们坚信“是可以绕的。”“是不可能没得救的”
caryn says:
所以我们一直都不去看它。我们到那晚选择了放手，也是谈了很久很久了。
caryn says:
他。。。。 真的累了。还要烦工作。还要烦我的事。他真得很累了。

Synced - Window7 says:
既然肯定了。。惟有接受事实。。 这需要时间a。。

既然肯定了。。惟有接受事实。。 这需要时间a。。

这句话。刺的我很深。
也许是我一直在挣扎。
是我的执著，我因为不肯放手而搞到我这么痛苦。

老实说，真的很不想放。
能的话，我宁愿咬着不放。

我啊。。。其实心里面，更是有百万的“不想",还有后悔当初为何提出分手。*白痴*

能的话，我好想把话吞回。

但既然已成事实。以肯定了。 我唯有接受。

day 3 --- FAILED.

想念你。
我昨晚尽然因为枕头嗅不到你的味道而大哭了起来。
傻吧。
我都在笑我自己傻。。。

i cried last night.
in fact it wasnt the "a tear or two" kinda cry...

gosh i missed him.
for being such a sweet person for nearly three years.
theres so much memories.

i sat there staring at gazillion zillions of photos last night.
shits.

before i went to college today.
i took off my ring.
i forgotten that it was still there.
i've been wearing it for so long.
looking at my finger now.
theres just this white space.

empty.

as you can see people.
today my results. FAIL!

thanks god the bottom half of my day was FULLY occupied.
i get to rish around and do my work.
and NOT sit alone emoooo.
:) i need to be busy for a while la.
guess thats the better way.

i told myself i wasnt gonna cry.
ish. *smacks head*
GET OVER IT LAAAA!!!

well, tomorrows another day.
lets just hope it'll be better.

day 2.

i tink today went pretty well.

i cant say : "HEY I'M OKAY! SINGLEHOOD HERE I COME BABEH!!!"
but... i din cry so much today.
*claps for me!*

well, i noe i'm only suppose to cry yday.
and be sum strong iron woman today forward.
*lowers head*
i did curi curi illegally drop a tear or two la...
macam "tersebak sebak" la...
eye red-red tat type lo...

but heck.
another day another hurdle.
least it nt as much as yday maaaa.
:)

i went to the post office tday.
to collect a parcel.
interesting enough i went to collect tzer's valentines present.
ironic aint it?
i actually bought it a few weeks ago not knowing that we would've broken up even before it came!

i stared at it for a while....
gt pretty emotional.
i din noe wat i can do wit it!!!!
LOLZ.
i decide to give it to him anyway.
probably this sunday coz we will both go to the cny event in the temple.
*breath deeeeep*

daddy was nice enough to fetch me to pick the stuff up from the post office.
in the car... this song was playing from litefm.

Break it to me gently, let me down the easy way
Make me feel that you still love me, if its just, if its just for one more day.
Break it to me gently, so my tears, my tears wont fall too fast.

If you must go, then go slowly.
Let me love you 'till then.

The love we shared, for oh so long is such a big part of me.
If you must take your love a way, take it gradually.

Break it, break it to me gently.
Give me time, oh give me a little time to ease the pain.
Love me just a little longer, 'cause I'll never ever love again.

emooooooo a!!! i noe the "i will never love again thingy is soooooo dramaqueen la!"
but the rest jus melted me la....
i was sooooo gonna cry.
like stoned-stared at blank space-start breathing reeeeeaaally deeply-den i can feel my eyes heat up.

ooooo shit!
den daddy started to sing~

my dad is soooo sweet.
:)
and he noes that i noe why he started to sing.
i managed to stop the water works just when the first 2 tears fell.
melts. i'll always be daddy's girl.

"the love we shared for oh so long was such a big part of me~~~~~"
dad n i sang the break up song together gether.

mayb it is habit.
i still think of him alot.
like what is he doing.... did he wake up...
we were so close last time i would noe everything he did.

at some point i have to shake the thoughts out.
DO WORK LA!!!! DUUUUUUUN THINK LIAO!!!!

=.="
all around....
i guess it wasnt a very successfull day....
i tink "pass" la...

day2- i give myself 50%.
hope tomorrow will be better.

now.... back to work.

day 1.

given the fact that i still have my finals to rush, my graduation showcase to do and more work,
there wasnt much time for me to mop around and so-call "grieve". hahhaha bagi la saye emo-emo sekejap.

anyways, i've put myself in a 10day programme to sort my life out.
eventho it was a friendly mutual break up.
eventho he shall still be my best friend.
its still nonetheless SAKIT HATI ma~
after nearly 3 yrs, everything i touch now has a memory.
:/
given myself 1day 24 hours to cry my mata-bola out after the breakup.
and that was all i did today.

i needed to get it out of my system la.
so yaaaaa....
i cried my mata bola(s) out today.
cry until my eyes now look like Doraemon's fav burger.
anyways, thats today.
i took a looooooooooong warm bath.
cried all my saki baki out.

and starting from now.
i shall continue with my finals.
:)

i have a mock assesment on feb 20th.
and my finals presentation is on feb 21st.


caryn

我们

after 2yrs and 7months,
935 days.
ｗｅ＇ｖｅ　ｂｒｏｋｅ　ｕｐ．

some might find it sudden,
some find it a waste,
people who know me closely would've known why it happened.

to us,
we've been struggling for a pretty while.
we still care about each other tremendously,
just that being "an item" isnt as easy as it seems.

we tried our best.
we really did.
for a very very long time, we weren't giving up.
we're just tired now.
tired.

perhaps,
its timing, if we were to meet each other 4 years later, things might have worked.
perhaps,
its our character, if i would stop being emotional or if he was more stabilize, it would've work too.
or perhaps,
its just us, we couldnt give each other what they needed, we couldn't make each other happy anymore.

whatever the reason was,
we talked,
and we decided to just take a step back and be frens again.
right now, at this point,
it would be the best option we have.

its 6.00am,
i need to stop crying.
dont worry,
i'm alrite.

just gimme some time.
thanks.

２年７个月，
９３５天后．．．．

我们分手了。
也许你会觉得奇怪，
有些会觉得可惜。

其实对我们来说，
是一件我们挣扎了很久的事。
我们依然彼此相爱，
却无法一起相处。

真的尽力了。
我们都努力了很久。
累了。

也许。。。
时机问题，假如我们４年后在一起，结果或许不一样。
也许。。。
性格问题，假如我可以理智一些，还是他可以稳重些，结果或许又不一样了。
也许。。。
不适合，我们给不到彼此所需要的条件。

无论是怎样，
我们选择了做会朋友。
现在，目前，
这是一个我们都觉得最好的办法。
现在６．００早上了
我到时候停止哭泣了

别再问了，我没事．．．
只需要一点时间．
谢谢．

sorry. no comments on this page.
just give me some time.

OUCH.

fuck man.
i was stunned. din noe shit like this still happens....

DBKL animal cruelty on "360 degrees" documentary TV3

KL mayor to investigate TV3 report on inhumane killing of dogs and cats
By WANI MUTHIAH

Members of the public are crying foul over the way stray dogs and cats are allegedly killed at the the Kuala Lumpur City Hall (DBKL) animal pound in Setapak.

This is in reaction to the visuals shown over a TV3 programme 360° on Wednesday night.

The visuals which were captured with a hidden camera showed a pound worker dragging a dying dog with a loop around its neck.

To make matters worse, the “execution” was watched by another terrified dog waiting in line for its turn to be killed.

In the programme two people, who had brought the matter to the attention of the television station, said the dogs’ necks were fractured and cats were drowned or clobbered to death at the pound.

Independent animal rescuer Leigh Chen said her family had watched the programme after being alerted about it by a friend.

“My mother was in tears when she saw what was being done to the dog. She couldn’t believe that such methods were allowed at a government pound,’’ added a distraught Chen.

Clarance C. R. Chua, of the Malaysian Dogs Deserve Better project, said he failed to understand why the workers had resorted to such barbaric methods.

“The only reason I can think off is that they must have done so to save cost from having to buy the drugs and apparatus needed to euthanise these animals,’’ he added.

He said it was shameful that Malaysians could stoop so low to subjugate defenseless animals to such torture.

(The Malaysian Dogs Deserve Better project is a canine welfare initiative launched by non-profit and non-governmental organisation Community Development and Integration Initiative.)

Meanwhile, when contacted Kuala Lumpur mayor Datuk Ahmad Fuad Ismail said he would not condone such cruelty.

“I will talk to my officers and ask them to investigate the matter.

“And if I catch the people who had allegedly killed the cats and dog at the pound so cruelly, I will duly deal with them,’’ said an enraged Ahmad Fuad.

He said the right procedure was to euthanise stray cats and dogs intravenously as opposed to wringing or breaking their necks.

“If the pound had run out of the drugs needed for euthanasia, they should keep the dogs and feed them until the drugs arrive,’’ added Ahmad Fuad.

Meanwhile, Deputy Federal Territories Minister Datuk M. Saravanan said he was shocked with the revelation and added that the alleged culprits were not DBKL workers.

“The job to round up the strays have been outsourced to the DBKL’s appointed agents,’’ said Saravanan.

He said the allegations were serious and urged concerned members of the public and eye witnesses to lodge official complaints with his ministry.

“We will definitely deal with the matter accordingly as we will not tolerate such cruelty,’’ he added

http://thestar.com.my/metro/story.asp?file=/2009/2/6/central/3204204&sec=central

pondering

interesting.

how things kinda just started, and how they just "kinda just ended"?

LOLz.

sometimes, we cant control they way things work around us.
and being the control freak that i was.
it took me such a long hard time to actually accept it.
it was hard for me.
to kinda just let thing flow and turn out how they were gonna....

i'll always be like "but.. but... its suppose to......." or "but but... why couldnt it...."
fact is, i hate not being able to have control over my life.

and i still cant figure why.

:(

on a totally random note:

"longer one easier to suck on ma!"
random famous quote.
we were refering to mamak teh-o-limao-ais straws ya....
squirt

<3 caryn

chinese new year posts.

the chinese new year.
nt much of writing now.
sorry.
had been relly busy with assignments and dramaaaa~

anyhoo.
knowing me... some photos to entertain you all.
:)


one day, i'm gonna buy myself a dslr la!
ish
one day.

oren ngan mercun

cny deco

GOLD~

fatt choi!

:)

7 things

i happen to bump into this when i was online tat day.
interesting....

sick...
but soooo true.


enjoy

random

photography and me

them.

sometimes, just having them around.
makes everything seems better.

for that reason itself.
our friendship is one of the most precious thing i'm blessed to have with me now.

:)
eventho it was a short gathering.
but just seeing them.
makes all the shit that i'm going thru seem ok...


:)

rough

and they're gone.

its abitter news to hear. on chinese new year.
when i receive the call.

that she had cancer, and he killed himself.

i've known them for pretty long time, in fact they were like this inspirational couple that everyone thought would last till the end.

just that no one knew how near the end actually is.

they were friends, they got together, they got married after graduation.
he smokes, alot. she got diagnosed with nose cancer. towards the end of 3rd stage, he couldn't take it and he killed himself.

my heart shrunk and hurt when i received the sobbing call.
its still hurting alot.


i hate smokers now.
period.

今年的我。

今年的我。
不想再走回去年走的路。
今年的我。
不想再为同样的事流泪。
今年的我。
不要再那么执著。

往年每次自己最辛苦的时候，
就是要逼自己去长大。
最辛苦的时候，
就是跟自己的心决斗。

很多时候，表面上看来我好像没事。
自己心里却因为一些很硕碎的事而挣扎。
每次都搞到自己很累，很辛苦。
自己只能躲在房里流泪发泄。

今年的我，
将学习放开。
今年的我，
要学习接受。
今年的我，
要去掉“执著”这个伴侣。

我，
要学习坦然接受姐姐的不在。
我，
直到他们长大结婚是很自然的事，是应该的。
他们嫁了，有自己的家了，是应该的。
我还在吵什么啊？！！！

我到时候接受这个事实了。
我要学习放弃这个想继续作小妹的心理了。
这其实是我可以了解我爸妈，陪伴他们的机会。

我到时候长大了。
不要再为不能改变的事实而伤心。
知道不能改了，就要放开。
退后了就会看到整个画面的美。

爸妈年纪大了。
我到时候学习好好作个“女儿”了。

21岁了。
不能再活在我自己的世界了。

quiet celebration

chinese new year spirits have been on a new down low this year.
particularly in my hse.

its been a hard year for my family in a sense that we have to cope with a lot of changes.
my sisters being married and away is one of the main changes we still find hard to cope with.

it just feels so empty now.
for the 1st time, after years and years of having reunion dinners with 3tables and kids sitting outside; laughing and jeering; teasing and enjoying; this year, it was a dinner of 7 adults.
thats it.

mom cooked as usual. and by dinner time when we sit down.
it was like "thats all a?"
coz when we sat down on the table.
that was all that arrived.

afew (very few shots) of the quiet christmas:

cny eve

bathed my two dogs through and through.
i dun think they've been scrub down so hard for a while liao.
even tied red ribbon and bells to their collar.
just to get the cny mood goin.

pai tee kong!
we came. we ate dinner. and .....
we waited for 12am.
just to pray.

a few kuihs. pomelo. biscuits. food.
yunno the drill.

emo la.
i miss chinese new year the way it was.
with laughters and smile.
with card games and older kids trying to cheat kiddo's money.
:)

i miss having cny meals where we'll yell and shout.
when we would bet on the chicken drumstick.
when we would fight for the chicken wing.

i miss playing sparklers and pop pops.
tiny tiny firecrackers.
and flying bees. mini shooters.

when we would drink outside the garden.
watch the fireworks outside.
i miss watching my brother bullying my sis.
i miss my sis yelling at us.

i miss it all.
i'm sure my parents felt it too.
cny has been quieter and quieter.
dad's rather sad this year.
he sighed that day "haih. everybody oso chao liao"

sumhow i sense that they are pretty lonely.
its been a change we all have to get use to.

day 1 CNY

:) going to ara damansara to see yehyeh.

its oso a small tea ceremony only.
coz its only the 10 of us left.

after that we adjourned to my 2nd sis hse in setia alam.
to wait for the "dong dong qiang".
tapi tak datang datang.

in the end. i din get to see it.
coz i had to go over to tzer's hse for their gathering.


being at tzer's hse is sooooo different.
he has 9 aunties for crying out loud.
i always think he's very blessed.
to has so many loving family members.
aunties who hug and kiss.
O.O"
i tak biasa la.
but to watch them interact is so heart warming.

tzer's hse. seeeee. the padang all oso full full.
weather on cny was pretty good.
i kinda like it.
this tree has been here for EVER.
i like the tree coz its shady and low.
has a very nice structure too, expecially in evening scenery shots.

its rather unexpected. but i dun to new year resolutions on 1st jan.
i dunno y.
mayb i'm jus very chinese la. (actually oso no)
i've never done any resolutions before.

this year.
on chinese new year.
i decided to do a resolution.

for the whole year, since my sisters got married.
i find it hard to cope.
simply because i couldn't get use to living without my elder sisters.
i force myself to grow up, keep telling myself that i SHOULD cope.
but deep down i couldnt.
its been hard, with so many things running along.
coz deep down, i refuse to let go.
i refuse to give up, being the younger sis.
to give up the protection and security my sisters have been giving me.
this year, i am going to grow up.
i am going to learn to let go.
i am going to learn to accept and move on.

i may fail miserably.
but i'm gonna try. until it works.
coz nt letting go is making me miserable.

tahun baru ciiiiiina beb!

tahun baru ciiiina tahun ini byk senyap.
pasar malam takde lagi "antiii antiii" yg garang dan menakutkan rebut rebut beli deco deco merah emas.
takde jugak "angkel angkel" gemuk melaung "3 for RM 10!!!!!".

takde.

malam makan sama sama boring jugak.
hanya tinggal kite org sedikit saje sebab kakak sudah kahwin.
yg tua... tua tua. yg muda... terlalu muda.
aku tak boleh masuk la.
hanya ade geng "minum minum & gossip".
dan geng "disney & rock".

aller.... akhirnye aku masuk geng gossip la... wahahha.
tapi takde macam dulu syok sgt sudah.
tengah malam hairan pulak.
takde "BING BIANG BONG EEEEEEEEUUUUUUU PONG!"
takde.
neighbour saye yg dulu supply mercun pun dah pindah.

sedih siut.

sunyi la mamat ni tahun ni....

:(

sexy, macho, sweaty *damn* men.

caryn wouldn't be caryn if she wasn't boy-crazy.
not that she is not loyal okay...

caryn is simply attracted to good looking men!
:)

its her form of entertainment... (and fantasy too)
:)

but she's not into ANY good looking guys.

caryn tak suke pretty bois!
no no nooooo.... allerr... i dun like lo...
those bois that are skinny, fair and perfect skin.
i mean... what the heck happen to the men who were born to defend the wife n kids from dinosaurs last time?!
semua sudah mati ke~~~
seriously, if i were to meet a guy. the moment he says he cant stand the sun, or he says "aiiyeee~dirty!"... i'm so gonna kick him in the B*LLS!

i recently have this hook addiction on david cook.
he is not good looking la...
tapi he has the "package"...
mmMMMmmm...
EH! NT THE PACKAGE IN BETWEEN THE LEGS LERR...
(so sick la u all)
i mean, the not-bad-looking face + the voice (ooohh~ the husky voice) + the nice persona (on tv) + the scruff (melts~)...
okok... i admit la...
caryn like man wit facial hair!
WOOTS!
i noe... damn disturbing.
nvm..
my fantasy, my rule.
C'MON LA! WHATS A MAN WITHOUT HAIR?!

LOLZ...
nvm me...

caryn is too stressed up due to work and family.
now she has gone cuckoo.
and needs to dwells on macho men to ease her pain~~~
aaaaaahhhhhh~~~

among other men who she has a huge crush on:

hugh jackman
:)

david cook
*sighs

jamie oliver!
eyyyy~ i'm a fan.
who isn't?!
he's good looking AND HE CAN EFFING COOK!

i'm happy.

有时候。。。

有时我需要你提醒我，
我需要听你亲口说。

撒娇，斗嘴，耍脾气。。。
我只想听你再次告诉我“我们”是什么一回事。

也许有时我也忘记了，
你也像我一样，一直想念着你。

有时我就一直坐着等着，
等着你拿熟悉的一句“喂！”

我想也许有时我会点点自私，
想就现在霸占全部的你。

能霸多少就多少！越久越好！
时钟响了，12点了。你要走了。我的心就也跟着空空了。

有时嘛~我也会把你陪我的时间
当作是应该的。

就当你的车一家走时，
我就像的白痴般的，又想念你了。

也许是因为，我有时会怀疑。
这一切一切，到底是梦还是真的。

直到你把我抱在你的怀抱里。
我才知道你也是爱我的。

asses.

asses.
buntut.
yup.
buttocks.
some are sexy.
believe me.

of all ppl. if u noe me personally.
you'll noe that i have this thing of look at ppl's butts.
:)

i can even categorize them!
the bouncy ones, the perky ones, the oh-so firm ones. and of course the takde buntut wan la!
wahahha.
yala...damn disgusting rite me?

hey. call me disgusting of watever u wan.
i'm a fan of nice asses.

but theres this one thing that turns me off EVERYTIME!!!

asscracks

i noe the photo sucks but its the best i can get.

HELLO PEOPLE!!!
ASSES ARE NICE. but keep them inside ur pants la!!!!
i walk around everywhere its like 40% of the people around me are having sum sort of ass parade.
i cant stand it la.
wanna like jus puke! O.O

c'mon la.
cleavages are good. show me.
but pls pull up ur pants.
its so gross.
I DO NOT WANNA BE STARING AT HALF OF UR BLOODY BARE BUNTUT WHEN U STAND UP IN FRONT OF ME LA.

have sum decency.
dem low rise/low cut jeans are hot.
but those buttocks hanging outside the jeans.
so not hot okay~

=.="

heavy weekend.

as the whole world should noe by now.
i have a WHOLE LOT OF coca cola now.
no dears.
i've not gone psycho n start mass collecting coke.
these coke bottles are for my finals assignment.

ohmygosh. glass coke bottles are sooooo hard to find!!!
and the cost so effing much!!!
we (me n my cheap labour/boyf/tzer) went from giant bukit tinggi to giant klang to giant USJ to carrefour subang to mydin USJ to mydin klang.
we went EVERYWHERE to find n korek these bottles.
we found some in the end. but all in loose numbers.
6 from giant klang. 6 from mydin usj.
u noe wan i mean. =.="

we bought dem all.
i have now 127 bottles of coke!!!

my boyf's rooms is now literaly filled with coke and my kocek/pocket is officially KOSONG!
O.O

Thursday 15/01/09
rushed n fly everwhere to find a venue for shooting.
OMG i almost wanted to cry. tak boleh dapat.
everywhere isnt available.
the available ones, the boss macam dowanna pinjam.
i feel like i'm asking too much la.
and being me. with my weird character.
i dunno how to ask ppl wan. so always kena reject. :(

manage to squeez in 2 meetings for sponsors while i was driving everywhere.
unfortunatly they din work out.
allahhh... caryn is so sick n tired of ppl saying NOOOO WE'RE NT INTERESTED.
ish.
its like i cakap so the byk until my saliva wanna dry liao.
den they jus look. nod. n smile.
UURRGGHH!! i wanted to kick dem in the balls man!!!

rushed to buy the last batch of coke.
finally found dem at meru klang! OMG. so near.
i wanted to kick myself when i saw the shop.
met vivian!
i havent seen her in ages!!
she this small little jie jie i hav.
she is older den me but she is UBER SUPER shy n small sized.
she mayb quiet n shy. but she super nice n caring.
she's always very thoughtful and she super sayang us.
everytime i see her i'll always hug her.
i seem to hav these thing where i miss these close old frens soooo much.
everytime i see dem i wanna jus break n cry.
theres so much to say but so little time!

make me emo only.
since i started being busy with all this CRAP!
i havent seen any of my frens pretty much... (sobs)
i can only sneak a minum yumcha session with munpui n siewkuan last week.
and... and...
no more.
thats it.
*whines*

Friday 16/01/09
more location scouting.
ran and flew everywhere. more uncles saying no to caryn.
zzzz... y is everyone do the kejam to me now!!!
WHY!!!!
wish i was prettier or sessierrr man...
den mayb uncle will say "mmm... can... can.. sure... can.. can..."
LOL.

this is one of those time where i thank allah for the not-so-bad-looking/kacak boyf.
wahhaha. the manage to con this auntie to pinjam us her kopitiam.
WAHAHAHHAHA. ^^
evil laugh.
no la....
he manage to ask the shop who is right next to our high school la.
he use to go there pretty often and the auntie stil recognise his face.

wahahha. YAY!!! venue settle!
more sponsorship meetings.
this time more easy going ppl but still no confirmation.
haih.
oh well.
mom says this whole rumour and trend that the economy is going down.
OMG so hard to get sponsors.

Saturday 17/01/09
shooting day!
woke up 6.30am. packed n pao-ed all the stuff,
bring cam. bring reflector. bring mirror. bring tissue. bring dress. bring water.
bring COKE! bring necklace. bring this bring that.
waited for boyf/model/KULI/drebar to come fetch me.
wahahah. i noe damn syok i gt KULI to shoulder my burden.
:)
aller... i noe la... my boyf sayang me la. *blush*
we went to makan BAK KUT TEH!! wahahha.
with his heng dais MH n JY.
damn cute. his bunch of frens are not morning ppl la.
bangun makan bak kut teh. all three of them stoning at the table.

we reach location 1(kopitiam) at 9.30 am.
sat there and waited for my long lost pretty hyper full-of-energy fwwwen LYDIA!
while i was setting up n adjusting lighting.
den i realise got this stall is at the place where i wanna shoot! the auntie oso setting up there.
OMG. like sky fall down. alamak.

we politely asked the auntie their shop open until wat time.
den she say around 2. (i can feel the sky gt light and they start singing again. :)
but around 12-3 is our co-curiculum ending period. the place will the awarming with students form ALL FOUR schools there.

we reschedule shooting with lydia to 3pm.
thanks god she's okay with the last minute changes.
i like her la. she anything oso can i can jus book her n shift her to kelantan for shooting oso she'll be OKAY!
ahahah. as long as i bawa her back.
anyways, we went sight search for location2 (park) after we left the kopitiam.
took us around 2-3 hours to settle the locations for the shots.
walking around parks at 12pm is not fun man.

den we went back for lunch. rest for 30 mins. and we're off to meet lydia.
the shooting was awesome la.
lydia was fun n easy going.
even flashed me her undies a few times. LOL.
the boyf worked as the model n lydia's new bf.
pretty cute the both of them.

end results.
we managed to finish 2 major locations 4-6 scenes all before 6pm.
pretty satisfying.
GAWD damn tired as hell.

den rushed back to bath.
and rushed to ara damansara for yehyeh/daddy/ethan/cousin charmaine/cousin chadric/cousin charlene/kakak's bday.
hahah. i noe. alot.
ALL THE JANUARY BABBIES bday.

went there edi a lot of ppl.
den i sat down. pushed in as much food as i can swallow.
den off to do photographer duty for the bday party.

by the time i reach home.
my kepala spinning n i K.O.-ed

Sunday 18/01/09
woke up 9am. suppose to meet bro at damansar at 9 am!!
over slept.
haiyoooooooh.
quickly get up.
fetch mom n dad for breakfast meet up with bro n gf.
they went to 1 utama straight after that for CNY shopping.
i flew straight to my uncle's hse.
pinjam my uncle n his hse for more assignment shooting.
=.="

my head pain.
den after that rush back.
grab lunch and started to do sum cny spring cleaning.
coz i'll be so busy next weekend.
tday we cleaned the algae coated fish tank.
urgh!
wanted to puke.
it took me the whole effing day oso.
haih...
tiredzzz.....

den flew to pass lydia her stuff she left at my car yday.
and den flew to sis hse for dinner.

now....
i'm so tired.

bangkok love story

caryn likes international movies.
caryn likes gutsy controversial movies.
so whats not to like about this thai action-love story between two hot men?
muahahahha.


Rattaballung Tohssawat as Mhek (Cloud)
Chaiwat Thongsaeng as Iht (Brick)

5 nominations & 4 wins, Poj Amon(director & writer) 's was not run of the mill. The delivery of the story had enough twist and turns to keep one interested, even though one had the feeling that the end had been pre-defined, it was not anticipated.

The cover of the DVD for this very fine film is misleading: the photograph of the two leads in a rather quiet and elegant setting is NOTHING close to what this movie portrayed. Writer/Director Poj Amon has created a love story that is more from the the poor section of Bangkok rather than focusing on the 'tourist view' of Thailand, he instead finds a different kind of beauty molded into a love story from a far different perspective. And it works very well.

i wanted to give you all the "oh-i'm-so-touched-and-i'm-gonna-cry" review with every detailed typed out jus to annoy you. wahahhaha. but that was yesterday. tday, caryn is busy with her work. so she's jus gonna get it out of her system. :)

The story is about an assassin Mhek who was ordered by his boss to kidnap this one guy Iht and it turned out that this assassin just kills bad guys not good guy like this guy so the assassin saved this guy's life and hurt himself. This guy helped to healed his shot's wound and in process they fall in love.

The next scenes literally ooze with homo-eroticism as both men, usually bare to the waist, (and in very close proximity), continually check each other out when the other isn't looking, while hiding out until the coast is clear. This part of the film is executed masterfully.The sexual tension brews to a boiling point and then finally explodes when Iht sponges Mhek's back as he bathes. They look at each other, kiss, and then suddenly they are all over each other. The photography in the ensuing seduction scene between these two very masculine men, (which was probably eye-popping in Thailand cinemas), resembles a bleached Calvin Klein commercial; set on the rooftop against the Bangkok skyline, it is steamy and sensual, underscored with lush, romantic piano music. But when it's all over, Mhek freaks, throws Iht out and pours water over himself to cleanse away what just happened. The heartbroken Iht returns to his fiancee but things are no longer the same between them.

So....the assassin chased him out of his place but this guy really couldn't get rid of the thought of missing the assassin. The assassin's family also complicated, his mother was blind and his little brother had aids because his little brother got raped buy his foster father who also had aids. Since then the assassin worked hard to find money to support his family. At the end the guy devoted himself for the assassin but still it is a tragic ending film.

(imagine the one i wanted to give u was like 7 paragraphs long) wahahaahha.

The ending could have been triumphant (and for moments it is, emotionally), but instead Poj Amon opts for tragedy, a writer's decision that makes the film even more powerful.

the starting 1 st hour was great! i was hooked! then it got abitdraggy at the end.
nonetheless! HEY! ITS AN ASIAN GAY MOVIE!
Straight or Gay, it doesn't matter, because the story/movie is EXCELLENT.

i like!!!

coke hunting

my final assignment need me to go glass bottle coke hunting.
u cannot imagine how many places i went hunting for them.




after i'm done with this. whoever wans a glass bottled coke.
can coke see me.
i sell to u。
RM 4. wan???
wahhahahaha

alot.

i try.
i really did.

but this is alot to handle.
almost too much to handle.

theres too many things going on rite now.
and its taking a tow on me.
i'm tired.
i cant focus.
theres just too much.

emotionally, physically.
i aint superwoman.
and its about time i admit and accept the fact and i'm ordinary.

from my own finals work. to family matters. to college showcase issues. even personal matters.

i'm tired out.
point blank.
dead end.

i feel like a lagging computer.
nt an XP lagging. more like windows 98.
or when i try to run too much programs on my old computer last time.


help.

caryn needs a break.
very badly.

i'll just have to stick to this. finish this. get organized.
and hope it'll turn out the best i could.

i'm seriously tired.

innocent

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain and
A guitar and a stereo

And while he wishes he could escape this
But it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul

I remember feeling low
And I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

Tina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music
Hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie is a war

And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she'd never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful

I remember feeling low
And I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

One day, you'll have to let it go
You'll have to let it go
No...
One day, you'll stand up on your own
You'll stand up on your own
Ya...

Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are all innocent (you'll have to let it go)
We are, we are (you'll have to let it go, no..)
We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are, we are (you'll stand up on your own)
We are, we are all innocent (you'll stand up on your own..)

hyper psycho loving this!

caryn is in love with "innocent" by Our Lady Peace!!!!!!
however she is more in love with the david cook's version.

oh melts....
macho...

*swoons & melts*

i love this genre of music!
which i hav no idea wat genre it is.
the "nickleback-david cook-3 doors down-30 second to mars-etc" genre la!!!
with husky rough voice which is bonus plus plus points!

ohmygod i noe i'm soooo nt artsy fartsy.
alternative rock i'll assume.

fark the name. watever it is.
caryn loves it!

pondering

theres so much goin o right now.
so many promises.
so many responsibilities.

its frustrating.

focusing on wats more important now is so much harder.
simply because theres so many things that i want to do now.
and i hav no idea why.

from the gunung korbu hike up to seeing my frens more.
theres just so much temptations.

and so much disappointments too.

i find it stil so interesting that we hav so much expectations.
with each expectations we instill inside so much hopes and desire.
the desire to do smthg new.
the need to get out of a routine.
the hope that situations may change.
the hunger for smthg that might be exciting.
the craving for all those things that we "expected".

and with everything theres comes all these anxiety and pressure.
to ppl and everyone around us. even ourselves.

i find it annoying sumtimes.
because i tend to subject myself to more pressure than everyone else.
den again, i'm strangely attracted to it.
i love challenges.
i actually like risks.
its disturbing.
but for a brief moment.
i wanted to go further.
(of course, that was when my rational went dead and died).
few hours later i'm back to safe-dull-boring-well planned caryn.

there were moments where the sudden burst of desiring excitement took over.
like the time i went parasailing.

i hav no idea wat i wan sumtimes.
perhaps its the temptation of the path nt taken.

someone loves my boobies!

muahahhaa.
a close gal fren of mine told me one thing tday.
and it made the "most hilarious quotes" immediately man!

bunch of frens talking....
1:".......... caryn's one nicer! soooooooo firm."
2:"hoho. ya la. caryn's one killer."
caryn: (confused) "really? i wish they were smaller la... mafan."
1&2: O.O"
1: "why leh? they look pretty nice to hold.wahahhahahah"
caryn:"serious? alot of my pants cant fit ler"
1&2: =.="
1: CARYN WE TOKING BOUT UR TETEK LA!
..........
......
....

as disturbing as it seems.
i seriously tot they were talking bout me arse!
and i forgotten what was "boobies" called in BM.

hoho.
and never jump into a convo without knowing what the crap they were talking bout.
shheeeeeeesh~

lost it mans.
i miss my frens.

最近听到了这首歌。
当场就站在那儿流泪。
这首歌，让我想起了很多人。
私的，暂时不说。
但明的占据了很大部分的感触。
有一部分是感叹，珍惜曾进走过的一段路。
很多。。。没有了他们就不会有我这样的人。
很多在我生命中影响了我很多的人。

假如不是他们。
我也不会成长。
假如不是他们，
我不会学习。

很幸会，我们分手后不是陌生人。

还是好朋友。
（梁静茹 古巨基）
没有人要内疚

没需要原宥

在十字街头
就相互保佑

那些体贴问候
那美丽镜头
没必要 一分开
就变成了诅咒
相爱这一场
可能是为了
能拥有一个 好朋友

还是好朋友
比爱人长久
不能牵的手 按在心头
在最寂寞的关头
永远在左右
事过情迁后
昇华眼泪后 (昇华以后)
思念是最漫长的享受
那无痛的伤口
还带着温柔 到白头

亲吻失去感受
火花烧到尽头
没激情 有感情
有另一种邂逅
相爱这一场
可能是为了
能拥有一个 好朋友

还是好朋友
比爱人长久
不能牵的手 按在心头
在最寂寞的关头
永远在左右
事过情迁后
昇华眼泪后 (昇华以后)
思念是最漫长的享受
那无痛的伤口
还带着温柔 到白头

还是好朋友 (还是好朋友)
比爱人长久 (比爱人长久)
不能牵的手 按在心头
在最寂寞的关头
永远在左右
事过情迁后
昇华眼泪后（昇华以后）
思念是最漫长的享受
是什么叫你我
只配做一对 好朋友


-caryn-

you

its so hard sumtimes.
i do not know how to talk to u anymore.

not anymore.
mayb this is not meant to be.

wish it was as easy said than done.
i hate this.

caryn is sick
caryn hates being sick.

she has no voice.
she looks like crap.
she is wheezing and coughing.
caryn's bf think she looks like a OLD HYENA.
the one macam sudah mao mati wan.



the end.