demons

fingers cold

trying to breath
struggling for smthg to hold
when will this feeling cease?

demons come
fears amplified
fickle for some
why am i terrified?

flashbacks, memories
playing scene by scene
how could one let go of these,
everything that has been?

wash it down
rain on me
feelings, please drown
i wanna move on, cant u see?

why is sleeping such a test?
demons be gone~
finally my mind's at rest
as the musical box tingles on...

far away

i read on.
hoping to see a strain of familiarity.
i read on.
hoping to feel relativity.

i'm glad.
that everything is going fine.
i'm glad.
you've found smthg that make you happy.
i'm glad.
to see that you've grown wiser & stronger (nvr fatter)

fear.
afraid that sometimes you feel alone.
fear.
afraid that one day we just aren't close anymore.
fear.
afraid that one day i will lose u.

sometimes.
i wished i'm still a part of your life.
tho small.
i really wished.

assumptions.

we always judge people.

no matter how much we say we dont.

we do.

its a norm we do.

LV bag - oooh.... high class.

charles & keith - hmmm... stylish practical.

jimmy choo - diva?

happy energetic not bad looking dude - gotta have a gf, else he's gay.

some single apek in the cyber cafe - adult friend finders? O.o

=.=

you see a bubbly chirpy guy who loves colors, he's gay?

you see a uncle with a chinese girl eating dinner, she's a gold digger?

you see a auntie with a young lad shopping, she's cradle snatcher?

lawyers - drunken indians (i'm nt racist)

pharmacist - nice chinese girls

accountants - CINAAA.

designers - sloppy dude, with no routine and an attitude.

interior designers (guy) - gay

advertising?

they're either labeled - wild, slutty, social, drunks, philanderer, sleep around, have parties, alcoholics.

i dun get it.

not everyone's like that.

the work is already difficult enough.

as though the stress isnt already unbearable.

now this?

i'm sick of my friends and family asking,

eh don't go clubbing la.

eh u drink alot a?

dun drink la.

do u smoke?

why u so wild one?

and it pisses me off so bad.

2 yrs of work.

i've been in a club 3 or 4 times.

i do not smoke.

i dun get piss drunk.

i dun fool around.

i kept track of my spendings.

i try to have friends.

i try to be friendly.

i go yumcha, not clubbing.

i dont buy designer labels.

i'm already dead broke as it is.

i've been effing rational!

i've done less that what some normal college kids do every week.

i see ppl getting piss drunk every day.

i still see clubs filled with 20 yr olds.

when i finish work early in the morning, i jam home with a bunch of drunk kids.

i dun mind strangers having that assumption.

i really dun giv a fuck.

but if u still claim u know me, and love me.

then please. don't make assumptions which are as hurtful.

the most hurtful words come from ppl who u care the most.

those sting like a steel knife cutting down your throat.

i dont even wanna explain.

if u understand me, thank you. you have no idea how much that means to me.

if you dont, i'm sorry i've wasted your time.

i'm sorry i've been a failure to you.

as a colleague, as a friend, as a bestie, as your sister, as your daughter.

没关系

吴克群-没关系




作詞：吳克群
作曲：吳克群

你離開的時候沒有一句
沒有一句對不起 對不起是我太執迷
你離開的時候沒有一句
沒有一句話說清 說清楚離開的原因

也許他可靠 他實際 他不一樣
他能夠給你安全感 不只夢想
誰還在乎一起傻傻說過的那些話

沒關係 我們分了沒關係
這不是你的問題 是我沒那個福氣
沒福氣卻又愛上你
就算哭了沒關係 這不是你的問題
痛痛快快給我一槍 我沒關係 沒關係 沒關係

你離開的時候沒有一句
沒有一句對不起 對不起是我太執迷
你離開的時候沒有一句
沒有一句話說清 說清楚你離開的原因

也許他可靠 他實際 他不一樣
他能夠給你安全感 不只夢想
誰還在乎一起傻傻說過的那些話

沒關係 我們分了沒關係
這不是你的問題 是我沒那個福氣
沒福氣卻又愛上你
就算哭了沒關係 這不是你的問題
痛痛快快給我一槍 我沒關係

愛情裡面總有一個比較傻 怪就怪我放不下 NO~~
痛苦給我幸福留給你和他 沒關係 沒關係 沒關係

沒關係 我們分了沒關係
這不是你的問題 是我沒那個福氣
沒福氣卻又愛上你
就算哭了沒關係 這不是你的問題
痛痛快快給我一槍 我沒關係 沒關係 沒關係

i'm the king of the world

sometimes i wished the world revolves around me.

i do.

i wish i have that power to control the how the world feels.

i wish i can dictate if you're gonna be happy or not today.

i really do wish.

but in reality. we're so small that it never matters how i feel.

honestly.

u really think the world is gonna stop coz ur hurting?

really?

honestly, u think everyone would be miserable when u had a rough day?

i'm sure everyone knows that life goes on.

unfortunately not alot of people understand it.

i find it delusional to think that way.

so u had a bad day. ok.

take a breathe, talk to some one.

cry urself out.

den take another breathe,

pick urself up.

the world is still moving.

why must others wait on you?

ideal right?

thats how i life my life.

i have bad days.

i have good days.

but i still do wish everyone would have good days, even when i'm having a bad day.

wouldn't u like to see smiles on other ppl's faces?

i would.

if i could make 1 person's day better, that would make my bad day a lil better too.

no?

or am i the delusional one?

i came to see (bang wall smack in my face kinda obvious) that there are mean & selfish ppl around.

those that wouldn't give a fuck about how ur doing.

all they know is they should be the center of the universe.

and all us pathetic fools are merely there to entertain them.

it feels like cold water pouring down on you, dampen any existence of happiness & hope u still have.

criticizing every lil detail and issue.

over what? i still do not know.

coz they're unhappy i guess...

selfish ppl are everywhere.

and there'll never be a cure to make them better, or to make them less bitter.

so how now?

so you're not happy.

i wanna be happy.

i'm desperate.

dont rain on me please.

dreamers.

remember how we were young (well, younger than now) and we use to dream?

remember when you get good results, and people would ask in interviews.
"what would you wanna do in the future?"
I'd always answer,
"i dunno what i'm gonna be yet. But i wanna do smthg that would make a difference."

I'd believe that people are nice.
I'd believe that good things happens to good people.
That everything happens for a reason.
I used to believe that dreams will come true.

as days goes by, i realized how i stopped hoping.
how i'd always plan for the worst to happen.
i'd hope for smthg bad NOT to happen rather than hope for smthg good.
how i'd always think that things are never the way they seem.
how i've come to realize good things do not always happen to good people.
being nice may not bring back nice returns.
how i hate feeling so vulnerable.

when i met aM3 in coll, i saw how she always hung her motto by her.
"making a difference" she said.
I'd scoff. "tough luck"
yet she still is optimistic.
she is so hyper sometimes i swear i wanna smack her.
she's like a tickle-me-elmo which i can never turn off.
:)
guess that how we clicked.
she's a dreamer, i wish i was too.

i rmb us slaving thru coll. and the satisfaction of finish a design course when we were nerds & geeks from science.
guess we did kick ass. least we felt that way. :)

i remember telling myself, i din not wanna work for work. i was determined to do smthg that i'd love. i do not wanna work 10-30 yrs over a routine that i soon learn to hate. i do not wanna be working simply coz i needed the money.

and i'm here.

wondering, why am i doing this?
is this what i wanna do?
where would i be 5 yrs from now?

working in LB is insane indeed.
but working in LB also keeps me sane.
contradicting right?

its insane because its crazeeeeeeee work.
yet its insane somehow i still smile occasionally thinking "thank god i'm nt a pharmacist/engineer".
how when a campaign ended, i'd stare at the event photos and go "whoa, its done. not bad."
how u'd secretly smirk when a client says "good job"

but then again, by the end of the day.
i find myself struggling to keep myself driven.
i find myself so tired and my life have become nthg but a routine.
a routine of waking up- going to work- get all frustrated - and going home.
only to start the routine all over again.
is this really what i wan my life to be?

what happened to the girl who wanted to work and travel?
what happened to the girl who wanted to station in cambodia for 6 months for the sake of it?
what happened to the girl who was passionate about nature and hikes?
what happened to the girl who would part time for Paws & SPCA?
what happened to the girl who give bread to the strays outside & get yelled at by mom later and still be happy?
what happened to the girl who'd give things a try eventhough she's not sure what lies ahead?

i was a dreamer, till i became a realist.
now i wanna dream again.
tell me how?

as if you dun feel fugly enough?

----------------------------WARNING-------------------------------
-----------------------RANTING POST AHEAD--------------------

sometimes you say things like
"ah, screw them la~"
"they dunno what they're saying."
"they dun understand ma."

simply because they are outsiders and you wouldn't care about their 2 cents worth / 1 ringgit worth of opinion. simply because they dun mean nuts to you.

i do that too. which is probably why i'm always very detached to alot of ppl.
strangely enough, i'm actually not that indifferent.

what people think do effect me. what people say do hurt me.
its just that only people i deem as "important" has that control over my emotions.
people that matters, family, close friends. they mean the world.
and it jus hurts like a steel knife chugged down your throat when they as things like that.
as u try to not be a baby and be more sporting, you try ur hardest to swallow that steel knife in ur throat without crying or whining.

suck it up babe.
they dun understand.
but shouldnt they?
i mean, this is coming from the same person that'd say smthg like "family means, no matter what shit u end up with, they'll back you up."
really?
doesn't it cracks you up how ironic some situations can be?

i guess, if it doesnt suck, its not life huh?
life is about ppl telling you how inadequate you are.
life is about ppl telling you how you're never good enough.
life is about ppl showing you how they can do better than you.
life is about ppl complaining that you're not trying to hard enough.
life is about ppl judging you if you're worth 2 minutes of their time.
life is about ppl criticizing you in front and behind you.
life is about ppl telling you "u can do it! :)" but actually meaning to say "simple only la, if u cant do it ur plain dumb la"
life is about ppl saying, "try to understand our situation" when they mean "this is nt worth my time, i'm already being nice, please shoooo! go away".
life is about trying to prove to the whole world that ur strong.
while deep down inside, u even doubt the reason and purpose WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS?

looking back, why are these bugging me again?
simply because they echo what i think of myself.
i really do not understand (i try as i may) why do i have so low self worth?
i dun see me being adequate enough. i dun see me being good enough.
i dun see me being... enough.
this amount of self loathing is very destructing.
really.

u can ask the panadols & happy pills i eat daily to stop rashes & thumping headaches.

blergh! too much emotions girl.
take a drink, a deep breath, cry it all out and u're OK to go!
:)

mid autumn festival

every year during this time.

i think of you alot.

how u'd wear the suit "samfu" with pretty flowers.

how u'd make us quilt blankets, everyone of us.

how u'd tell us stories about all the has beens.

and how u'd smile no matter what as long as we're together.

I rmb sitting outside in the garden.

all of us.

as we munched on a whole lot of gift mooncakes.

u'd steam yams and "bull's horns".

we'd drink beer and sweet potato soup.

some groundnuts, char yeh tan (herbal egg) occasionally.

i rmb playing with those litted folded paper tanglungs.

as they sway in the air with the candle burning in them

as we ran out of places to hang them,

u'd forbid us from going anywhere near ur plants.

you have the most beautiful plants and flowers.

you garden was always blooming.

how every pot is delicately and carefully trimmed and taken care off.

indeed it was a garden of love.

and yet, we'd still find ways to ruin it.

i cant rmb how many times my tanglungs burned ur flowers.

yet u'd only be mad a little while.

guess u love me more than them?

hoho.

i really miss u.

really really i do.

as tears welled up in my eyes when i was looking up in the sky today.

i cant help but wonder...

amah, are you still there watching over us?

would u still be around?

i miss u dearly.

as the half moon glisten in the night, tonight the clouds din hide you away.

as the moon shone oh so brightly tonight, my heart ached with emptiness.

how i wished i could jus picked up the phone and call....

"hello amah, slept d a?..."

how i wished that i could drive down to usj and u'd still be there... sitting in the hall watching wahlaitoi.

its been 4 yrs my dear.

4 yrs already.

its evident that we still miss u tremendously.

i really do wish u'd still be here.

For you

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die... 

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop... 

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone 

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry

It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go 

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone 

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

did you?

ever walked down a long road, and fall into a pit hurting yourself?
i did.

ever since then, you wouldn't dare wander off onto any roads alone again.
you wouldn't dare to ever TRY and skip around an unfamiliar path.
after a few rounds, kinda kill u inside.
you wouldn't dare to have fun; take a risk anymore.

if you know there's gonna be a pit in front.
and you know you can never ever ever go past it.
no matter how you've tried to patch it up or use a rope or build a bridge.
soon... you jus dun even wanna use that road anymore.

one day

you'll find peace and serenity.
you will.
don't worry.

somewhere

there will be hope.
you just need to believe it.
and u will find it.

we just need to survive

remind yourself daily that you're a fighter.

step by step

breathe.

forward pleaseeee

Thinking all you need is there.
Building faith on love is worst.
Empty promises will wear.
I know.
And know when all is gone.
There is nothing to say.
Tell them all I know now.
Shout it from the roof top.
Write it on the sky line.
All we had is gone now.
Tell them I was happy.
And my heart is broken.
All my scars are open.
Tell them what I hoped would be....
Impossible, impossible.

ending something. is it really about letting go? or moving on?

what about the happy days? they're all gone now?

what about the unhappy days? they're forgiven now?

how do we clear the air?

how do we move forward from here?

i dun admit it.

it still hurts.

interesting enough.

i tot i've grown up.

but sometimes... in the middle of a cold quiet night.

you'd wake up feeling as empty as i do.

wat do u do then?

god u make me depressed.

please forgive my rantings, i'm in one of those pathetic "why meee??" mode.

no worries, being me i'm gonna bounce back into shape very soon.

ever wondered how unfair the world is?

some people can hav everything they want, yet nvr learn to appreciate them?

some people can work their arse off and still get nthg in return?

people say everything happens for a reason?is it really so?

of course, i've come to terms and accepted that nthg is fair, that we'll jus hav to work our way through it all. today is jus one of those days where it bugs me a little bit more than usual.

I'm not blessed with the healthiest condition.

I'd be the 1st to admit, i've done alot of damage to my body during my highschool/college times with those extreme hours and sleepless-foodless-stress.

i've learnt my lesson.

i really did.

i never skipped meals. i always munch when i know i'll be busy. at least a cup of oats.

i really am making an effort to nurse my stomach back into shape.

its been 2 yrs already. i thought everything would be okay.

on monday, i had this mild discomfort & pain in my abdomen area.

"must be some wind or mild gastric." i thought. drank some milo. drank loads of water and it was okay.

on tuesday, it started again. the pain. it got worse and worse. i started getting dizzy and this massive thumping headache. GGGAAAAWWWDDD!!! felt like there's this fat chicken dancing in my head! my abdomen pain got ffrom bad to worst. i drank oats, had my lunch... continue to drink sumore water... it got better.

tuesday dinner was the bomb, client flew in from HongKong. There's this whole "meet-and-greet-dinner" with the team. i sat down... had my soup.. everything was fine. then the main course, the pain started again. my stomach was like grinding like a washing machine. my face turn pale and i started to have cold sweat. SHIT. i didn't finish my main course, merely giving the reason that the fish was a bit "fishy". The last dish came, i went thru my dessert. trying to distract my thought from my churning agony. talked and chit chat with the people the table. it went okay.

Drove back, halfway passed federal, near the Carlsberg factory. Couldn't take it anymore, I pulled over, puke my guts out. i had to vomit them out. Drank more water to refresh and clear my head.

Last night was one of those nights, i couldn't sleep. sweat keep dripping off my forehead in an aircond room. my legs keep having these mysterious cramps (probably was the most tense sleep i ever had). woke up at 3am, ran to the toilet puked (i can literally see whole mushrooms from my dinner - undigested) =.=. drank more water.

woke up this morn, ate breakfast... the pain started again. I'm almost sure i know whats the problem already! den i puked again... =.= tahu dah...~

i went to the doc, told him what happen. being the family doc, doc J gav me a lecture (again) on "u have to take care of ur body! dont skip meals. u need to eat. u know u gt gastric problems".

sigh. macamlah aku x tahu. :(

i messed up the toilet so bad, mom yelled at me this morning.

until she realised i was having a gastric attack and NOT puking drunk ( i didnt even drink!)

hello my old friends..... :(

i am jealous. of those people who can choose "to eat or not to eat".

i am jealous. of those people who can do whatever they want, eat whatever they want.

i am angry. of those people who are in perfect health and goes on whining how FAT they are.

i am angry. of those people who put themselves through ridiculous diets every day.

i am angry. of those people who still do not appreciate what they have. because i've ruined mine and there's nthg i can do about it.

选择。

要我怎么做选择？

真的不想再重复当时的痛苦和伤害。

曾经，我还记得。哭哭啼啼的要求。

当天，我还记得。你给我的答案。

现在，说要改就可以改？要变就可以变？

我要怎么相信。。。

是我已经接受了，而放弃了这个希望？

还是我已经不敢要在相信我们会有这个希望？

现在我的心里，不只是“要”还是“不要”而已。

因为，这世界里并没有这么简单的事情。

不可能会有这么简单的事情。

是你教我的。

wondering and thinking.

saw this from keith.
couldnt seem to control my tears when i was reading it through.
*sigh*

某一天，你拨我的电话号码，语音告诉你我已经停机。你会不会难过？
某一天，你的手机不再频繁的响起，你会不会不停的等待？
某一天，你的邮箱收件箱里，不再有人可怜兮兮的说你好吗？你有没有好好吃饭，有没有好好照顾自己。你会不会不停的期盼？
某一天，不再有人无论是深夜还是白天都坐在电脑旁等待着你上线，等待着可以打电话给你，你会不会失落？

如果真的到了那样的一天，我还是希望你有一点点的难过，一点点的失落，一点点的想我，只要有一点点关于我的记忆就好，真的只要一点点就好。

某一天，你打开电脑，我的头像变成了永远的灰色，不要说我不守承诺，那是我感觉到累了，倦了，也真的受伤了。
某一天，你的生活中没有了我，请记住我对你的好；我的宽容。你要记得，我们虽然在地球的不同角落，但是我们头上顶着同一片蓝天。
某一天，你的记忆中没有了我，不要忘记我们在一起的每一分每一秒，不要忘记我喜欢什么，讨厌什么。而我无论如何都不会忘记任何一个关于你记忆的片断，你习惯什么，反感什么。

感情世界里，没有“公平”两个字，我不会计较这些，我们在一起的时间，会是我这辈子里最美丽的回忆。
我还要你记得答应过我什么，许诺过我什么。
如果有一天，你叹气的时候我不再去安慰你，你难过的时候不再陪你一起难过，心碎的时候不再去陪你一起心碎。
那是我真的绝望了，真的心碎了，真的疲倦了。

因为有太多太多的时候，我都是装，总是装作无所谓，可是我真的不在乎吗？而你呢？会在乎我的一切吗？

you!

it amazes me how much u can understand.

the fact that you dun say much but u absorb so much more.

it amazes me how patient you can be.

the fact that you can do sooooo much and wait silently.

it amazes me how giving you are.

the fact that you dun mind going the extra mile to get smthg done.

it amazes me.

it really does.

when from a simple call u can pick up the urgency and wat i needed.

gosh i'm star struck.

when every gesture triggers an action and emotion.

this is a very subtle gesture which triggered smthg huge.

O.O

as i sit here. i find myself even torn.

should i go or should i stay?

as my heart and my head tells me different things.

what should i do?

anniversary

i miss u.

2006 u left.

its been 4 yrs already.

how can it be?

i really missed u.

i miss how u smell

i miss how u sound like.

i miss how u are.

i miss how it feels to have u around me.

i'm afraid.

that one day, u'll slowly fade away.

i'm afraid that one day I'll close my eyes and i can no longer rmb how u look like.

i miss u so much.

i wished i had more memories with you.

i wished i had more time.

i wished i had more chances.

but i guess now all i can say is....

its better to have and cherish all that i have... then to have nvr known how a wonderful person u were.

its 4am now.

but yet i dun feel like going to sleep.

not now...

not alone.

:(