Death

Death.
Inevitable. It will happen.
I know.

Some say they will go away.
In a new circle of life.
Reincarnated.
As someone else.

Some say they linger on.
Wonder around the ones they couldn't let go.
Presence felt.

I wonder which is the better thought.
That she is nw living a better life, but the fact that I have lost her forever.
Or that she is still around us watching over us, that we hav nt lost her in our life, but that will mean her suffering will nvr end?

I miss her.
I really do.
I wonder if she missed me too...

Amah...

冬至归窝

此时此刻的我，纳闷了。
此时此刻的我，身体不舒服了。
此时此刻的我，失望了。
此时此刻的我，累了。
此时此刻的我，不开心了。
此时此刻的我，好想回家。

爸，妈，
燕要回家。
燕要抱着你们。
燕要躲在怀里。
燕想哭。
可以吗？

想听婆婆的故事。
想听爷爷的中国历史。
想家。

POPOPOPOPOKKKSSSSS!!!!!

my hse is invaded by the
the spread of

Chicken Pox!!!!

10 years from now.

Ok i would admit that I am a bit of a stalker.
I can stalk and dig up alot of stuff if i had the time to.

I'm just KEHPO liddat. I also dunno why.

But I was stalking my bro in law and sister last week.
They're in their early 30's.
:)
>> No i did not do it on purpose, you'll see the relevance soon as you read on. I promise

You see, as I was looking through their photos and tags, wall posts and well "wall activities" la.
I cant help but notice a few very familiar names & faces.
Names which I've head since i was a 6 yrs old.
Faces which would come over to our hse every CNY/gathering/birthdays etc.
A group of friends which they've met during HighSchool.

Now i shall not name mention. But i find it amazing, that a bond this strong can transcend and remain through out the years.
They went to high school together, lepak-ed together, went to form6, uni etc.
Now, ppl move on (thats what ppl always say).
But when my sis got married they were the brides maids & best mans (heng tais).
vise versa for them as well.

Just last CNY i found it so amazing that they still do their ritual CNY gathering/visiting.
The bunch of them, married or paktohing or single; with kids or just married.
They'd eat groundnuts, gamble alil, play some cards, drink and "talk cock" la!
A few of them even have kids of their own, who are btw around the same age as my niece & nephew!

These are the people who'd insist you fetch them on your 1st ride when you bought a car;
These are the people who you'd wanna introduce ur bf/gf to;
These are the people who'd throw your bachelor party;
These are the people who'd not only come for your wedding but help in every bit they can;
These are the people who'd be there anxiously waiting with their phones when you're delivering your 1st child in the hospital.
Not to say you're at any point remotely related at all.
But they are there none the less.
:)

I found it so heart warming.
I wish I'd have the blessing of that similar experience as well.
As naive or innocent they say highschool besties are, I happen to think they are friendship in the purest form.
Without an ulterior motive, with no bad intentions.

I wish we'll never break up.
I wish we'll still be there for each other.
I wish we can complain about boyfriends to each other.
I wish we can bitch about work together.
I wish we can be "aunties" & "see lai" together.
I wish we'll grow old together.

i love my cartoonz.
:)

home

going home.
suddenly i'm happy again.

daddy texted!
sorry, i'll forever be a Daddy's Girl.

i need to be surrounded by love again.
:)

assumptions.

we always judge people.

no matter how much we say we dont.

we do.

its a norm we do.

LV bag - oooh.... high class.

charles & keith - hmmm... stylish practical.

jimmy choo - diva?

happy energetic not bad looking dude - gotta have a gf, else he's gay.

some single apek in the cyber cafe - adult friend finders? O.o

=.=

you see a bubbly chirpy guy who loves colors, he's gay?

you see a uncle with a chinese girl eating dinner, she's a gold digger?

you see a auntie with a young lad shopping, she's cradle snatcher?

lawyers - drunken indians (i'm nt racist)

pharmacist - nice chinese girls

accountants - CINAAA.

designers - sloppy dude, with no routine and an attitude.

interior designers (guy) - gay

advertising?

they're either labeled - wild, slutty, social, drunks, philanderer, sleep around, have parties, alcoholics.

i dun get it.

not everyone's like that.

the work is already difficult enough.

as though the stress isnt already unbearable.

now this?

i'm sick of my friends and family asking,

eh don't go clubbing la.

eh u drink alot a?

dun drink la.

do u smoke?

why u so wild one?

and it pisses me off so bad.

2 yrs of work.

i've been in a club 3 or 4 times.

i do not smoke.

i dun get piss drunk.

i dun fool around.

i kept track of my spendings.

i try to have friends.

i try to be friendly.

i go yumcha, not clubbing.

i dont buy designer labels.

i'm already dead broke as it is.

i've been effing rational!

i've done less that what some normal college kids do every week.

i see ppl getting piss drunk every day.

i still see clubs filled with 20 yr olds.

when i finish work early in the morning, i jam home with a bunch of drunk kids.

i dun mind strangers having that assumption.

i really dun giv a fuck.

but if u still claim u know me, and love me.

then please. don't make assumptions which are as hurtful.

the most hurtful words come from ppl who u care the most.

those sting like a steel knife cutting down your throat.

i dont even wanna explain.

if u understand me, thank you. you have no idea how much that means to me.

if you dont, i'm sorry i've wasted your time.

i'm sorry i've been a failure to you.

as a colleague, as a friend, as a bestie, as your sister, as your daughter.

I Would Trade - Clarensau

Indra shared with me this song.
I love his song selection, from the 1st time i met him

till now, his 1st play list to me is still my fav.
As the rhythm of the acoustic guitar strum in my ears, i cant help but feel for this indie song.
Feelings so raw, affection so endearing.

The most beautiful thing about a song?
Is the fact that songs can bring back visuals & memories.
How a song connects to you... thats how good a song can be.

Everyone lost someone special before, or almost lost someone you loved.
This song brought me back to the cold hospital rooms, beeping of machines.
The hopefull yet hopeless sense of wishing, praying, hoping that everything would be fine.
How we frantically search for signs of the next step.
What should we do?
What can we do?

This song brought me back to the moments before she left.
This songs brought me back to the last few moments of her life with us.

I miss you amah.

I Would Trade - Clarensau

Another night in the waiting room
You’re fifty feet from me but I still miss you
Your body sleeps in that scary room
Unaware of the doctors that trying to save you

What can I do but wait
What can I do but pray

And I would trade all of my days to take the pain away
I would trade all of my days to take the pain away

Another night of restless sleep
When I wake will you still be here with me?
I’m looking for a sign of life
You squeeze my hand and maybe open your eyes

What can I do but wait
What can I do but pray

And I would trade all of my days to take the pain away
I would trade all of my days to take the pain away (Repeat till fade)

as if you dun feel fugly enough?

----------------------------WARNING-------------------------------
-----------------------RANTING POST AHEAD--------------------

sometimes you say things like
"ah, screw them la~"
"they dunno what they're saying."
"they dun understand ma."

simply because they are outsiders and you wouldn't care about their 2 cents worth / 1 ringgit worth of opinion. simply because they dun mean nuts to you.

i do that too. which is probably why i'm always very detached to alot of ppl.
strangely enough, i'm actually not that indifferent.

what people think do effect me. what people say do hurt me.
its just that only people i deem as "important" has that control over my emotions.
people that matters, family, close friends. they mean the world.
and it jus hurts like a steel knife chugged down your throat when they as things like that.
as u try to not be a baby and be more sporting, you try ur hardest to swallow that steel knife in ur throat without crying or whining.

suck it up babe.
they dun understand.
but shouldnt they?
i mean, this is coming from the same person that'd say smthg like "family means, no matter what shit u end up with, they'll back you up."
really?
doesn't it cracks you up how ironic some situations can be?

i guess, if it doesnt suck, its not life huh?
life is about ppl telling you how inadequate you are.
life is about ppl telling you how you're never good enough.
life is about ppl showing you how they can do better than you.
life is about ppl complaining that you're not trying to hard enough.
life is about ppl judging you if you're worth 2 minutes of their time.
life is about ppl criticizing you in front and behind you.
life is about ppl telling you "u can do it! :)" but actually meaning to say "simple only la, if u cant do it ur plain dumb la"
life is about ppl saying, "try to understand our situation" when they mean "this is nt worth my time, i'm already being nice, please shoooo! go away".
life is about trying to prove to the whole world that ur strong.
while deep down inside, u even doubt the reason and purpose WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS?

looking back, why are these bugging me again?
simply because they echo what i think of myself.
i really do not understand (i try as i may) why do i have so low self worth?
i dun see me being adequate enough. i dun see me being good enough.
i dun see me being... enough.
this amount of self loathing is very destructing.
really.

u can ask the panadols & happy pills i eat daily to stop rashes & thumping headaches.

blergh! too much emotions girl.
take a drink, a deep breath, cry it all out and u're OK to go!
:)

mid autumn festival

every year during this time.

i think of you alot.

how u'd wear the suit "samfu" with pretty flowers.

how u'd make us quilt blankets, everyone of us.

how u'd tell us stories about all the has beens.

and how u'd smile no matter what as long as we're together.

I rmb sitting outside in the garden.

all of us.

as we munched on a whole lot of gift mooncakes.

u'd steam yams and "bull's horns".

we'd drink beer and sweet potato soup.

some groundnuts, char yeh tan (herbal egg) occasionally.

i rmb playing with those litted folded paper tanglungs.

as they sway in the air with the candle burning in them

as we ran out of places to hang them,

u'd forbid us from going anywhere near ur plants.

you have the most beautiful plants and flowers.

you garden was always blooming.

how every pot is delicately and carefully trimmed and taken care off.

indeed it was a garden of love.

and yet, we'd still find ways to ruin it.

i cant rmb how many times my tanglungs burned ur flowers.

yet u'd only be mad a little while.

guess u love me more than them?

hoho.

i really miss u.

really really i do.

as tears welled up in my eyes when i was looking up in the sky today.

i cant help but wonder...

amah, are you still there watching over us?

would u still be around?

i miss u dearly.

as the half moon glisten in the night, tonight the clouds din hide you away.

as the moon shone oh so brightly tonight, my heart ached with emptiness.

how i wished i could jus picked up the phone and call....

"hello amah, slept d a?..."

how i wished that i could drive down to usj and u'd still be there... sitting in the hall watching wahlaitoi.

its been 4 yrs my dear.

4 yrs already.

its evident that we still miss u tremendously.

i really do wish u'd still be here.

ice cream

the ice cream man.
nostalgic.

no, not the typical "mat kool mat kool kawan kuuuu!".
the old ice cream, with his bike and a bell that going "tingling-a ling- a ling-a ling"
he din sell cornetto or drumstick all that jazz.
it was icecream.
jagung
yam
strawberry
vanilla
chocolate
on plastic-like cones or even with bread!
THAT ice cream man.

i remember when amah was still around, we'd go walk in Tanjung Emas Muar.
How ice cream melts so fast I usually only manage to eat half of them.
How the wind would blow in your hair while a bunch of young teens would ride along the coast with their bikes.
How the apek uncles would be fishing by the side and I'd spy on them, wondering what the heck would still be alive in that dirty water.
Amah Yehyeh always did shower us with love & care.
Nonetheless, we weren't necessarily spoilt (ok.. maybe just a little)
but we learn to appreciate, love, forgive & respect.
Family comes 1st.
always.

That's what I got from her the most.
Family trips.
How she loved them.
We'd make it a point to travel every year, the whole ching-bang of a family.
from my aunts, to my uncles, cousins & siblings.
Even the ones that are not in Malaysia.
Trips like these always cheers her up.

My grandmother was a very poise lady.
From her cursive writing, her calligraphy, details in her crafts and cross-stitch, even to the way she precisely pronounced her English.
But she is also bold and daring, sporting and most of all loving.
I remember my grandmother drinking Tiger Beers & Ngan Yin groundnuts during one of our gatherings.
wow... boy oh boy.... she is amazing.

Our family trips always had a lot of people.
we're a huge family!
we could easily pao 1 whole floor or 1 whole apartment of 5-6 rooms for our trips.
and every night, we'd bring beer, junk food & snacks over to the HQ room.
where the adults drink and chat, and the kids ... well... we played. :P
those were the days.

endearing and heart warming.
family dinners are worth rushing back to.
family trips are worth making time for.
family are people who'd never turn their backs on you.

family.
:)

p/s: i miss you amah.

The man that cooks.

bro's been cooking these days.
:)

ngo hou fang fuk a!!
hehe.
he has this ridiculus liking to UBER SUPER SPICY food all the time.
O.o
can dieeeee....
still nice la! i jus need to drink alot alot alot alot alot alot of water.
:P

there's smthg ridiculously awesome about a man that can cook. :)
---------------

went out with mandy n phoebe ages ago. we went to watch "despicable me".
WOohooo!
COMELLLLL!! :P

They went to toilet for like 10 mins and I got myself some cute flats!
see??? *whack!*

so not me right?
xpe xpe... comfy shoes... even its so cute i NEED courage to wear it.
its comfy.

:)

Tuesdays with Morrie

Old book... I know.
In fact it's not even mine. :)
but i thank the person who passed me the book.
a teacher indeed.

ever had someone who connected with you from the very start?
no need to be related, no need to be even "besties".
but you'd click instantly. :)
a teacher, a parent, a grandparent or just a friend.
Someone older, patient and wise, who understood you when you were young and searching, helped you see the world as a more profound place, gave you sound advice to help you make your way through it.

As the world got colder, and everything seems so busy. We'd go on and on with our lives chasing things which we think are important. then we get tired.... Wouldn't you like to see that person again, ask the bigger questions that still haunt you, receive wisdom for your busy life today the way you once did when you were younger?

Mitch Albom had that second chance. Months before his death, he met Morrie again. Knowing he was dying, Morrie sees with Mitch in his study every Tuesday, just as they used to back in college. Their rekindled relationship turned into one final "class": lessons in how to live.

A few quotes which hit me right at the spot. i love them indeed.

On Getting Meaning into Life:

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning." (p.43)

On Culture:

"People are only mean when they're threatened, and that's what our culture does...And when you get threatened, you start looking out only for yourself. You start making money a god. It is all part of this culture." (p.42)
***
"The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it." (p.42)

On Status and Showing Off:

"...if you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down on you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone." (p.127)

On Being Number Two:

"What's wrong with being number two?" (p.159)

On Material Things:

"Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent." (p.103)
* * *
"You can't substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship." (p.125)

On Family:

"The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family." (p.91)
* * *
"If you don't have the support and love and caring and concern that you get from a family, you don't have much at all. Love is so supremely important." (p.91)

On Emotions:

"If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid." (p.104)

On Love:

"Love wins. Love always wins." (p.40)
* * *
"Love each other or die." (p.163)

On Relationships:

"There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like." (p.177,178)

On Forgiveness:

"Forgive yourself before you die. Then forgive others." (p.164)
* * *
"We...need to forgive ourselves...For all the things we didn't do. All the things we should have done. You can't get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened." (p.166)

On Most Important Thing in Life:

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." (p.52)

On Trust:

"...if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark." (p.61)

On Friendship:

"...we've had thirty-five years of friendship. You don't need speech or hearing to feel that." (p.71)

On Dying and Living:

"Don't let go too soon but, but don't hang on too long." (p.162)

On Aging:

"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And, age is not a competitive issue." (p.120)

On Immortality:

"...love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone." (p.133)

On Marriage:

"...there are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage: If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike." (p.149)
* * *
"I think marriage is a very important thing to do, and you're missing a hell of a lot if you don't try it." (p.149)

On Death :

"Death ends a life, not a relationship." (p.174)


-Mitch Albom

happy mama's day Angie!

dear mama,

for the days when i din clean my room,

and had my stuff left everywhere.

for the days when i promised to help,

but end up upstairs snoozing the next min.

for the days when i yelled back,

for the days when i gave your the cold shoulders.

for the odd ball boyfriends,

for the days when I wake up from crying and refuse to talk to you...

You and I, we're not the best pair.

You and I, we're never the closest kind.

You and I, we have so much more to work on.

I promise you I will.

I promise you I will try.

I know you love me.

Please remember that deep down, deep deep deep deep deep down,

I love you too.

--------------------

today...

was interesting.

:P to say the least.

Chris, the oldest son decided to come over and play masak masak.

we had...

Chilli (all sizes & shapes), onions, garlic, long beans, prawns, fish and tomato.

aiming to cook, LOVE-ing sambal prawn for mama's day.

So yea,

mom n dad went out.

me n bro started messing around in mom's kitchen.

He started chopping onions, shallots, garlic, tomato.
Ended up "suggesting" to use the blender. =.=

FUUU~UH!!! in action wehhh!!!!!

I chopped long beans, and started washing the prawns.

If you do not know yet,

I suck in the kitchen.

I stared at the bowl of clear greyish prawns, wondering "how to wash a?"

den we both started to peel the prawns....

EEEEeeeee..... geli.

coz lembik. =.=

hehe. den we waited for mom to baliks.

but she din... for the longest time.

=.=

her "15 mins" became like 1.5 hours.

We got damned hungry.

so i started to open the fridge.

found cabbage and "frosted" carrot.

obviously we havent cooked alot.

so kor n i started chopping the veges,

curi-ing mom's minced pork.

and cooked up vege!!

:)

Den I cooked rice. :)

Called up sis (the mamas) to balik and join the fun too!!

the Outcome... was not bad.
Eventho our lunch was only ready at 3 smthg pm.

LOL.

dad gt so hungry he ate goreng pisang. O.o

mommy came back!

I'm nt sure if she was mad at us messing up the kitchen or jus too happy laughing at us screaming at each other.

"not like tat laaa!!"

"not cut like that laaaa!"
"like thisssss..."

"no laaaa!!!"

mom thought it was only 4 of us (kor , me , pa, ma)

den cynthia came back. Woots!!!

after abit cindy came back too!! with evaine n alan.

can see mom like spying at the door...

"whose that???"

"she gt come meh???"

ahahhahaha (laughing away)

while sisters teased us and mocked our cooking.

NOT BAD WERT!

finish oso ma!

den we had some rum & raisin chocolate...

Kit Kat Chocolate Ice Cream!!!

and lastly...

some awesome German beer.

:)

It was Fawesome!!! (Fucking Awesome!)

Dinner was yummy fat, meaty bacon with eggs and toasted bread at cynthia's hse.

with cheese and coffee and lettuce

and more chocolates and ending up with fruit juice.

*burp!

it was an eventful day.

I'm tired.

it was fun tho. :)

March 30th.

Amah.

Happy Birthday.

I still love you.
I still miss you.

<3

life goes on

my gastric has gotten better.

my portions have been cut down like 50%.

i dun eat alot now. *sadness i miss food*

i take my meds.

hopefully it'll all be over soon.

--------------------------------

life working has started to sinking in.

it becomes overwhelming sometimes.

yet sometimes it'd be rather mundane & routine.

Z says he's thinking of doing an internship or try to get a job in creative.

i'm excited. he finally came back. i hope he does gets it.

Life back to crafting. Thats the juice of it all, where the excitement is.

*secretly laughs* i guess life at samsung is getting rather boring huh?

--------------------------------

henry has gone back to Melbourne.

:(

idiot refuse to let me know what time he'll be flying.

so that i cant go send him off.

sigh.

there goes a few more months/yrs of not seeing him.

he damn jaga me, sumtimes almost like my brother.

eventho i lecture him more.

after so many years, we've been goin round n round n round in circles.

and finally here.

after so many yrs, we'd look back and say "wow, thats alot".

thank god u were there.

all the best in Melb brrraaaddeeerrr....

------------------------------

jack, gosh... its been so long.

when i heard the news i was concern.

i know how much she meant to you.

i honestly did not want u to go thru 2005 again.

perhaps, it really does take heartache to find ur frends.

if we didn't broke up, neither of us could have been the person we are now.

i dare say we learn smthg from each other, least i've learnt to be a better person becoz of u.

and eventho we're no longer together it doesnt mean that we no longer care.

i've witnessed u changed.

i've witnessed u grow.

from the bottom of my heart.

i'm proud of where u are now and wat u have achieved.

stay strong over there.

it's her lost for not appreciating.

trust me.

------------------------------

speaking of heartaches...

sigh.

i'm in a mess right now when it comes to relationships.

gosh. *smacks!!*

i wish i can smack myself awake.

sometimes i do feel like i'm a selfish person.

i need closure, i need assurance and i need confirmation.

i always want to know, if its gonna work.

if its not gonna work or i'm nt sure if its gonna work, i'd rather not start anything at all.

why go thru so much when ur not even sure if it'll be smthg u want?

isis says that love should not need that much of rationalizing.

i dunno. maybe i do think so much.

i'm quite comfortable at where i am now.

so how?

-----------------------------------

as i've told myself and so many other people.

relationships should be the least of my worries.

i'm 22. wheres the rush? if it comes it will. if not, i'm doing fine as well.

as promised, i need to spend this time mapping my life.

doing what i need to do now.

my family, my work & *new addition* my health. yikes!

at certain points of life...

it gets lonely.

i miss having someone around.

i miss getting hugs.

i miss roadtrips and makan trips with the cartoonz.

i miss singing and chit chatting with temple frens.

i need to re-organize.

video games

i suck at video games.

ahahhah

especially the ones that need hand - eye coordination

exp:

mario , i'm always falling into longkangs, hot volcanos, memang gt sungai oso i'll fall in and mati lemas!!!

racing games, i'm always the one langgar dinding la... stuck in sand la... go terbalik la!! O.O

memalukan betul.

:P

only thing i'm good at would be guitar hero. LOLs

*proud*

ahahhaha.

it was fun!! dinner with family.... drinking coffee... abit of whisky... good food... wii games (eventho i suck at it)... lousang for the dunno how many times.... eating kerepek.. :P

-------------------------------------------

ever seen tommy playing his toy?

after some time, he jus got bored.

and he never played with the toy anymore.

he jus left the toy there.

until one day, john saw the toy all by itself.

he likes the old toy.

he wants to play with the toy.

all of the sudden, tommy wants to play with the toy again.

jus because someone else likes it.

just because it was originally tommy's toy.

he owned it, and no one else can have it.

how unfair is that?

Chinese New Year @ Muar

Keong Hee Huat Chai!!

ethan learn a new phrase this year:

"Gongxi Gongxi. HHUUAATTTTT AAAAAA!!!"

:P

yehyeh is gonna love him so much more.

My CNY dress!

it's been a tradition, since before amah passed away.

to always wear dress/skirt on CNY1.

:)

i like mine!

i like it coz its brown. (not ANG ANG RED)

i like it coz its comfy. (not tight n itchy!)

i like it laaaa.... kenot meh??

I'll always look at it and smile... and rmb mandy coz without her i wun have this dress!!

*hearts* mandy!

drove down to muar

(coz daddy sick liao)

2 and half hours later

(coz byk speed trap!!)

we reach uncle#7's hse!!

cheeewaaah~~ berlambaks the cars in the house.

all the aunties n uncles balik d...

luckily the next few houses oso uncles...

i still find it weird, my uncle #8,#6,#4 & #7 stay same row.
(coz same piece of land from ah gong la.)
uncle #5 oso coming d, his hse building next door.

=.=

The 1st sight i remember of muar?

The super duper tinggi antenna!!!

kononnye to curi singapore channel.

(really can de wo!)

we went back to popo's old hse.

:)

i really miss it.

eventho we do not spend alot time here...

but alot of kiddo memories still cant stop making me smile.

:)

in the evening.

i love the evening sunlight in muar.

(got difference meh?? KL x same??)

i dunno.... its different to me...

very strong rays... warm but not burning...

still feel "clean"... not sticky n dusty.

:P

call me an ulu-kampung-girl.

i dun care!

the garden... :)

we use to chase our cousins... curi popo's flowers and cook "masak-masak".

almost curi till botak!!

seee... i hilang so many years d...

the bunga so berlambak and subur!!

the swing we use to play "choo choo train"

damn noisy the swing..

"yyiiiiiiii oooooooo yyyiiiiiii oooooooo"

we'll pretend its a train and while our cousins jump in and jump.

kiddo betul!

tapi suka jugak~

*love grass*

daddy say its call love grass coz it sticks to our socks.

so love is sticky too? :P

i remember telling my friends last time.

"my popo's hse has this big padang behind, very big one!"

that day when i saw it, "OMG what happen to the padang!!"

i realized how much we all grown up.

the BIG padang, right now.... seems so small.

its amazing how we see things when we're younger.

everything seems bigger and so much more magical.

these hoops were used to hang our clothes.

our clothes will all hang on these looooong poles.

and popo will cucuk them through these loops.

if raining, we'll keep them in!

there's more loops also in the garage area where its covered.

:)

Chinese New Year.

to me...

its all about family.

its all about being there with them.

give them ur best wishes and blessing.

for them to have a great year ahead.

for them to have great health and happiness.

its just that simple.

:家:

new years.

everytime when new year comes.

theres always this sense of anticipation.

when we start to buy carton & cartons of beer *thx to mandy's vouchers, so much more beers this yr...

when we start cleaning the house and fight over "wanna throw this? or dont wanna throw this?"

when we start calling all our siblings to balik rumah and deco the hse, hanging lights... red clothes... oranges.

i remember when amah was around, we'd sit down and start cutting the angpao packets.

into little little lanterns, fishes, all sorts.

amah would teach us new ones every few yrs, those that she learn from others and the newspapers cut outs, some even her own invention i think.

i remember days when we use to sit beside the glass window in the afternoon, and she'll tear out papers from her old school exercise books. We'll spend the whole afternoon making boats, paper balls, paper cranes... Come to think of it, amah was the one to sparked my interest in DIY arts & crafts since i was a kid. she was the reason why i loved making cards & handicrafts. :)

When new year came, amah always makes these huge angpao lanterns. and every year there'd be some new inventions & addition, some flowers, some gold decors, tails, different shapes, different designs. Amah's angpao lanterns were always something we'd look forward to. :)

and being amah, she'll make 4 different pairs of angpao lanterns, eventho 1 is already so hard to do. She'll make 8, and give them to every single house. so we all have smthg to hang on CNY.

i never did learn up those huge lanterns, probably i was too young, or too busy or jus *regretfully* too lazy.

When she started falling ill, we rarely did these crafts anymore. Until when she passed away, we kept the last pair that amah made, and we used it for a few more yrs. Like treasures they were to us. We tried to preserve it so much. Somehow it felt different, to have her touch in the house.

Today, (4 yrs after amah passed on)... we had our prayers in the morning, on the day before CNY. more like a family reunion, we gathered for lunch & dinner. On the table was all of amah's fav dish, even down to DURIANS! amah loved durians!

Indeed there was that sense of anticipation for the CNY, but sumhow, there's also this strong sense of emptiness, that she's not here. Her lanterns had also withstand the test of time, falling apart already. So today, after lunch... i sat down and started to make the huge angpao balls.

its a frustrating process, serious! all the details... I'm so ashamed of the details which i did not noticed at first. :(

But here's the outcome. *amah i love u

LB has this really cute thing this CNY where they give out stickers and you can deco ur own Mandarin Oranges! dress them up and they'll be your Lucky Tigers!!

:)

Gave them to my cousins today, they loved it! so adorable!!

charmaine's Mr Wonderful!
Chadric's nose-less tiger.
Charlene's I-want-everything-on-it tiger!

Happy Chinese New Year People!

:)

daddy's little girl

to the man

whose dark hair turned white, yet his specs & “misai" remains.

to the man

whose belly has grown and still smiles oh so lovingly.

to the man

who follows CSI loyally every weekend till midnight.

to the man

who sleeps at the sofa with the TV on.

to the man

who makes me breakfast every morning.

to the man

who always ask if i wanna tahpao lunch.

to the man

whose always worried about me

to the man

who waits for me to go home in the living room

to the man

who knows what i really want.

to the man

who has given me strength when i was down

to the man

who has silently watched me teared.

to the man

to always picks me up.

to the man

who has always been there.

to the man of my life.

to my teacher.

to my mentor.

to my guide.

to my protector.

to my friend.

happy birthday daddy dearest.

i love u !

anniversary

i miss u.

2006 u left.

its been 4 yrs already.

how can it be?

i really missed u.

i miss how u smell

i miss how u sound like.

i miss how u are.

i miss how it feels to have u around me.

i'm afraid.

that one day, u'll slowly fade away.

i'm afraid that one day I'll close my eyes and i can no longer rmb how u look like.

i miss u so much.

i wished i had more memories with you.

i wished i had more time.

i wished i had more chances.

but i guess now all i can say is....

its better to have and cherish all that i have... then to have nvr known how a wonderful person u were.

its 4am now.

but yet i dun feel like going to sleep.

not now...

not alone.

:(