as if you dun feel fugly enough?

----------------------------WARNING-------------------------------
-----------------------RANTING POST AHEAD--------------------

sometimes you say things like
"ah, screw them la~"
"they dunno what they're saying."
"they dun understand ma."

simply because they are outsiders and you wouldn't care about their 2 cents worth / 1 ringgit worth of opinion. simply because they dun mean nuts to you.

i do that too. which is probably why i'm always very detached to alot of ppl.
strangely enough, i'm actually not that indifferent.

what people think do effect me. what people say do hurt me.
its just that only people i deem as "important" has that control over my emotions.
people that matters, family, close friends. they mean the world.
and it jus hurts like a steel knife chugged down your throat when they as things like that.
as u try to not be a baby and be more sporting, you try ur hardest to swallow that steel knife in ur throat without crying or whining.

suck it up babe.
they dun understand.
but shouldnt they?
i mean, this is coming from the same person that'd say smthg like "family means, no matter what shit u end up with, they'll back you up."
really?
doesn't it cracks you up how ironic some situations can be?

i guess, if it doesnt suck, its not life huh?
life is about ppl telling you how inadequate you are.
life is about ppl telling you how you're never good enough.
life is about ppl showing you how they can do better than you.
life is about ppl complaining that you're not trying to hard enough.
life is about ppl judging you if you're worth 2 minutes of their time.
life is about ppl criticizing you in front and behind you.
life is about ppl telling you "u can do it! :)" but actually meaning to say "simple only la, if u cant do it ur plain dumb la"
life is about ppl saying, "try to understand our situation" when they mean "this is nt worth my time, i'm already being nice, please shoooo! go away".
life is about trying to prove to the whole world that ur strong.
while deep down inside, u even doubt the reason and purpose WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS?

looking back, why are these bugging me again?
simply because they echo what i think of myself.
i really do not understand (i try as i may) why do i have so low self worth?
i dun see me being adequate enough. i dun see me being good enough.
i dun see me being... enough.
this amount of self loathing is very destructing.
really.

u can ask the panadols & happy pills i eat daily to stop rashes & thumping headaches.

blergh! too much emotions girl.
take a drink, a deep breath, cry it all out and u're OK to go!
:)