dreamers.

remember how we were young (well, younger than now) and we use to dream?

remember when you get good results, and people would ask in interviews.
"what would you wanna do in the future?"
I'd always answer,
"i dunno what i'm gonna be yet. But i wanna do smthg that would make a difference."

I'd believe that people are nice.
I'd believe that good things happens to good people.
That everything happens for a reason.
I used to believe that dreams will come true.

as days goes by, i realized how i stopped hoping.
how i'd always plan for the worst to happen.
i'd hope for smthg bad NOT to happen rather than hope for smthg good.
how i'd always think that things are never the way they seem.
how i've come to realize good things do not always happen to good people.
being nice may not bring back nice returns.
how i hate feeling so vulnerable.

when i met aM3 in coll, i saw how she always hung her motto by her.
"making a difference" she said.
I'd scoff. "tough luck"
yet she still is optimistic.
she is so hyper sometimes i swear i wanna smack her.
she's like a tickle-me-elmo which i can never turn off.
:)
guess that how we clicked.
she's a dreamer, i wish i was too.

i rmb us slaving thru coll. and the satisfaction of finish a design course when we were nerds & geeks from science.
guess we did kick ass. least we felt that way. :)

i remember telling myself, i din not wanna work for work. i was determined to do smthg that i'd love. i do not wanna work 10-30 yrs over a routine that i soon learn to hate. i do not wanna be working simply coz i needed the money.

and i'm here.

wondering, why am i doing this?
is this what i wanna do?
where would i be 5 yrs from now?

working in LB is insane indeed.
but working in LB also keeps me sane.
contradicting right?

its insane because its crazeeeeeeee work.
yet its insane somehow i still smile occasionally thinking "thank god i'm nt a pharmacist/engineer".
how when a campaign ended, i'd stare at the event photos and go "whoa, its done. not bad."
how u'd secretly smirk when a client says "good job"

but then again, by the end of the day.
i find myself struggling to keep myself driven.
i find myself so tired and my life have become nthg but a routine.
a routine of waking up- going to work- get all frustrated - and going home.
only to start the routine all over again.
is this really what i wan my life to be?

what happened to the girl who wanted to work and travel?
what happened to the girl who wanted to station in cambodia for 6 months for the sake of it?
what happened to the girl who was passionate about nature and hikes?
what happened to the girl who would part time for Paws & SPCA?
what happened to the girl who give bread to the strays outside & get yelled at by mom later and still be happy?
what happened to the girl who'd give things a try eventhough she's not sure what lies ahead?

i was a dreamer, till i became a realist.
now i wanna dream again.
tell me how?