...dun ask...

i love to drive alone.
gnivirdetahi
i love cruising on the highway while its raining
syadyniarnoenolagniebetahi
i like to be pampered
sselesugniebetahi
i like to be who i am
emgniebrofemgnigdujelpoepetahi
i am proud of what i have become
hcumoselpoeprehtoyvnei

dont mind me.
i'm just emoing.

emo.

maybe i am a geek.
yea... mayb i am.
i'm jus not as good as u.
well organized.
i'm sorry.
i know my bad mood n emo self has been really pissing u off.
i'm sorry.
i get jealous sometimes.
espeacially now.
because u are better than me in so many ways.
i know i'm competitive.
n sometimes the kiasu-ism in me just sucks.
i wanted to watch pirates n shrek so badly.
but this weekend made me realise that i might not make it this sem.
my attendance rate is not prefect.
i'm passing up work which i myself am not confident in.
so i decided to screw "balance"...
i decided its time to pick up my act.
no more fooling around.

but it hurts.
seeing u so well off.
i know...
its unfair of me to say such word.
i'm just jealous.
n kiasu.

i'm sorry.
believe me.
i'm dissappointed in myself.

:: enolaebotemitdeeni ::

finally.

its proven.
blogger hates me.
the world hates me. *yessss, its the emo-me talking shits!*

i cant access stupid blogger for the past week!
i hate it when i'm pms-ing n emo n stressed up n tension giler.... AND I CANT BLOG!!!
*smacks head and fall*
the stupid page cant load!

the way i'm blogging right now.
its so lame i dont even want to elaborate further.
try n guess.
its just too depressing n pathetic to even share.

its been like hell.
i got use to having the blog to rant n vent out my emotions.
this past week.

WHOA...
i felt constipated.
like i havent pangsai for weeks!
its like u gotta shit! but toilet door cant open!
yea... that frustrated. i named it PHEK CHEK!!
my brain status for the past week seems like the drain outside my house.
BLOCKED!!

and to add to the frustration.
presentationskills finals is in wait... let me count THREE weeks!!! THREE!
copywriting finals presentation is in FOUR weeks!!!!
artdirection finals presentation is ONE DAY after copywriting!!
and my moral exam is the week after that!!!

copywriting photos belum buat! the body copy lagi i belum!!
my brain LAGGGGIIINNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
BERKARAT liao.....
artdirection lagi the shits! i have no idea wat the fuck is the new marking system!!
moral exam pretty shitty too.
i have no idea wat the crap is the syllabus. the freak arse text book is double form5 sejarah text book! and the BM in that book is like !!#$$!%^!^!$##!$!!!! CRAP!! twisted BM is so not my language...

i thought i could handle it.
i thought i could stand the heat.
seems to me that i've over estimated myself.
i aint ALL THAT.
i am not wat i thought i could be.

i thought i was matured enough to create a balance.
i thought i can handle a relationship n family n college n friends all at the same time.
i cant
i found out today, i crack wit pressure.
i cant stand being the useless one.
i cant stand being the incompetent one.

i see my friends handling their lives fine.
allie even can handle two guys, working for open day, her college work, a besties bday and her friends.
betty seemed pretty well that she's coping wit her died-ed laptop, staying far from home, moving to a new hostel, old hse being haunted, pweird psychotic relationships and her school work.
why the heck cant i?

at this point.
i feel darn useless.
its like the whole world is turning. and i'm not.

so in conclusion.
IT SUCKS REAL BAD right now.
REAL real real BAD....

and so now....
i'm done.
no more constipated brain.

lets get into the geek-bitch-exam freak mode....
back-to-work

belated bday wishes!!!

i was blessed since very little.

as i had someone i can look up to.

she is my friend,

she is my teacher,

she is my family,

she is my buddy,

she is like my sister,

*so i have THREE sisters!*

she is actually my cousin.

she is Karen Siah!

i wasnt very close to my sisters as we are many years apart.

but all these years of growing up,

i was never alone.

because i had YOU!

i love our sleepovers when we were kids.

we even use to bath together.

the nights staying up talking about boys.

till the aircond automatically shuts off at 3am.

those brightly colored homemade popsicles.

making keychains from knotted strings.

anual family trips!

diary writing

beautiful poems.

hand-me-down dresses.

i loved them all.

you were the one who taught me about growing up.

you were the one to taught me to never be afraid.

you made me realise that that being a girl isnt a limitation.

you made me realise that girls can make a difference.

you made me choose to be one of them.

you made me realise that a girl can be so much more.

girls doesnt have to be soft.

girls need not be weak.

you taught me that its ok to be different.

that we need not change wat we are to fit in.

you are really one of a kind,my dear!

independent.

observant.

strong.

caring.

smart.

loving.

responsible.

sweet.

daring.

sensitive.

courageous.

gentle.

sporty.

understanding.

outgoing.

elegant.

and the list goes on and on and on.

As we observe your birthday now,

Your cake and gifts don't matter much.

These common things aren't really you,

Ribbons, paper hats and such.

We celebrate a person who

Brings happiness to everyone,

Someone who gives more than she gets,

And fills our lives with joy and fun.

So Happy Birthday, and many more!

We hope you make it to a hundred and two,

Because we cannot even dream

What life would be like without you.

theres this little thing that i found out while doin this post.

we werent as close as we were anymore.

so many photos were in the film format when we were kids.

but i come to find that our recent photos seem so rare.

its nt that we grew apart.

its just that we have our different lifes to live.

theres one thing that never did change, never has changed, never will change.

you are you.

and you will always be there.

muacks!!!

happy 21st birthday karen!!!!

-3niGma-

mandy oh mandy!

mandy...

who is she?

genuine member of the cartoonz. *originally cartoon4!*

eldest among her siblings,

she's always the responsible wan.

even among our frens,

she's the one that we can always count on.

the strongest among us all.

with all that she has gone thru.

this girl is one hardcore tough cookie!

she clears my head when i'm mad wit anger.

she rationalize my problems step by step.

she is the one whom we all often cry to.

she is the one and the only Mandy Lee.

she is....

realiable.

trustworthy.

funny.

BLURRR!!!!

the galnexdor.

simple.

charming.

responsible.

strong.

loving.

sensitive.

sensible.

caring.

sporty!

outgoing!

BLURRRRRRRR.

our BIG SISTA!

wait...did i say BLURRRRR?!

akakak....

On your birthday, mandy,

I wish that all your dreams come true.

May your day be filled with joy,

Wonderful gifts and goodies, too.

On your day I wish for you

Favorite people to embrace,

Loving smiles and caring looks

That earthly gifts cannot replace.

I wish you fine and simple pleasures.

I wish you many years of laughter.

I wish you all of life’s best treasures.

I wish you happily ever after!

文佩，生日快乐！！！

-3niGma-

mother's day.

it took me quite some while to settle down and sort out my feelings before i sat down to write this post on mother's day.
i spend my whole entire day cruising thru other peoples' blog. mother's day posts were everywhere. about how much they loved their mothers and how much they appreciate them. how they wre like sisters and that their mother's were their best friends.

i have a little something for this every special occasion.

I know we sometimes argue, and
I sometimes blow my lid.
But I still love you very much:
I'm only just a kid.

Sometimes I need to push against
The fences you erect,
Even though I know they're there
To shelter and protect.

I know you want the best for me
And to keep me from all harm.
I just want you to know
.......

i stopped there. didn't know wat to write more. point blank.
nothing came in. zilch. empty. there's so much that i wanted to say.
i din know where to start.

when i was in primary 1, teacher selected me for the school's story telling competition.
mommy was there all along, she would ask me to come to her room every night n practice.
she would jus sit there n listen so tentively, then back at the script. she help me with my voice intonations and so much more. evidenly, i did in fact won the competition. gold medal too. mommy was so proud. we went to my er ku (2nd aunt)'s hse, n my mom proudly told everyone wat i've done. my aunt den asked me to redo the story again in front of the hall. at age 7, i was so happy i could've fly over the clouds. i did not recall tho, how many of my family stayed n listened till the very end of the 5 min story. i did however remembered, my mom was one of the 5 in the whole hall of 22 people that was listening!

i guess that was how and why i became so active in storytelling, debate, syarahans and so much more later.

when i was in stardard2, i joined the same competition again. i do not know why, but mommy wasnt tat involved anymore. when i brought home the gold medal that year. she did smile, and said that i've made her proud.

standard3 was a year i couldnt forget. scripts were getting tougher and so was school. i remembered one night when i wanted to practice, i asked my mom if she wanted to listen. she nodded and there i started my story. it was a 5 minute script, but when i was at my 2min 15sec, mom feel asleep. her snores were soon even louder than my voice. i cried that night. i wept till my pillows were soggy wet and i couldn't open my swollen eyes the next day.

i started joining public speaking when i was in stardard4. mom's involvement got lesser. countless i'll-practice-while-she-snores-away time. and countless crying-my-eyeballs-out-moments too.

standard 5 was a year when i made in the the national english story telling competition. note: national! as in peringkat kebangsaan. i din win tho. i gt silver instead. i fumble i admit. coz i was the 1st to go up. nerves got into me i guess. but that wasnt the point. i went home that day, holding the prize at hand, it was taller than my school bag. i was grinning the whole way home. thinking how well i've done. during dinner, daddy asked how did i do in the competition. den mom raised her head from the table, and asked :"what competition?"

i told them the whole thing during dinner. den after dinner, i went show mom my trophy. and she asked again: "you got enter competition meh?".... "what competition?"
and i told her once again. i have to admit that my tone wasnt was poilte and bubbly as before. but heck i've told her twice already!

after that i asked if she wanna see me retell the story again. mom agreed. and i started. this time, it was a longer story. but when i gt into the 3 paragraph, mom looked at the clock on the wall and exclaimed that "the 9.30 show start liao!". so i followed her to the hall. i waited untill the tv was on, the fan was on, everything was settled and mom sat down at the sofa. i walked up to her, thought that i could finish the story. and she looked at me, and asked "why are u standing here? doneed do homework a?"

=.=
............................................

yea... as you've guessed it. i soon grew into a daddy's gurl.
its odd. i couldn'e say that i was nvr close to my mom. because, i was.
but she got busy, and tired i guess. and i needed so much more.
we grew apart, now, i cant even stay in the same room with mom for longer than 20 minutes without arguing.
dun ask me why, i dont know.
no, i'm not one of those child whose mother din cared bout her. or did her mother abuse her.
no. never. my mom loved me very much. i'm sure of that.
she makes sure i eat and i rest. she takes care of me when i am sick.

so why am i ranting? why am i whining?
she cares, but she nvr listens. not anymore.
so technically, the last time my mother listened to me, from the first word to the end, was when i was in primary 1.

i swear, before i die, i will sort this out.

tagged by stephy!!!!

RULES:
Each person who gets tagged needs to write a blog post of their own 6 idiosyncracies as well as clearly state this rule. After stating your own six weirdness you need to choose six people to be tagged and list their names at the bottom of the entry.Don't forget to leave a comment on their tagboards to say you're tagged and tell them to read your blog for more information as to what it means.
Idiosyncracies means a characteristic, habit, mannerism, or the like, that is peculiar to the individual.

so i'm doin this tag now. please note that the points that are going to be stated (as odd as they may seem) ARE NOT TO BE USED in any way agaisnt me. tq!

1. i am obsessed with butterflies...!!

butterflies! i'm obsessed wit them! bracelet, necklace, chockers, skirts, ANYTHING! i love butterflies! it wasnt anything until zabedee gave me this drawing of a butterfly when i was in form3, it was beautiful. it looked to mystical, enigmatic, amazing. and now.... i am officially OBSESSED with butterflies!

2. i cant stand people touching my nose! the nose is off limits!!

not a lot of people know this, i doubt even my high school best friends. but someone found out this little flaw of mine. i stand any foreign objects rubbing agaisnt my nose! if someone touches it, i need to rub my nose AGAIN! i do not know why, it almost acts like a form of self comfort. if u touch my nose, like just casually touch it, i'll twist and i'll whine until i RE-touch it myself! its uneasy laaaaa~~~!

3. i cant sleep witout a bolster.

i need to hold something while i sleep! i need to at least have something to hug! we use to travel when i was jus a kid. OH how much i hated those hotels with no bolsters! i would roll up my blanket into a long sausage n hug it! i'd rather spend the night without a blanket den witout a bolster!

4. i have a strong problem with kiasu-ism.

i cant stand being second best. i admit it. jing tzer always said that i'm always making my life harder for myself. its true. i cant stand being not good enough. i always go all out to do extras even when sometimes, it doesnt matters at all. i want to feel like i am good at something. call it ego. but i need it. its wat makes me strive for the better. i wouldn't mind if i've tried my best n i still aint the best. just as long as i DID try my VERY VERY BEST.

5. i do not have big breast! my boobies are NOT a different entity!

I HATE my breastsize. its awkward. they arent big. yet they arent small. but the main point is : THEY ARE NOT BIG! i hate it when people say i have a nice rak. which btw, I DO NOT! ish... *smacks!* and yes... as you've guessed it. i am (like every other gurl), vain and self conscious about my shape n size. i know i have big arms, so dun poke them and ask me why are they jiggly! coz i dun know! i know i have a tummy and my legs are short. dun...... DON'T ever ask me to go on a diet coz i'll jus roll my eyes n curse u till the end of time! tq.

6. i have a soft spot for guys that arent afraid to shed a tear or two.

as weird as it sounds. yes, i prefer guys that are able to put down their ego to tell me that they're human and that they hurt too. no... i'm not a fan of those sissy, lala dudes *opps! sowee wei shan!!!*... i too, want a man in my life, not a boy. but being a man doesnt necessarily means acting tough, i believe a mature guy would be one that is both gentle and strong, not in a macho, physical way. one that is human, and one that its afraid to admit it.

and by the looks of this post. i am obsessed wit the color RED! not bright red, no, no pink... i love bloody red...

decided not to tag. to lengthy...way to late for that.

-3niGma-

BENJAMIN YEE!

who is benjamin yee?

• he is a guy that would write smthg like this.
• sweet, yet simple.
• has beautiful eyes.
• tall....thin....fair.....wait...did i say tall? and thin?
• a perfect gentleman, aside from accasional head banging n tickling. *teehee*

who is benjamin yee again?

• some call him blue jay.
• very creative. creates odd yet funky pics like this!

• btw, he's the one in the hot red tie on the right.
• good videography skill, good camera skills too!
• plays the drums like pro... and any other musical intruments.

but then again..............


who is benjamin yee?

• he is the very 1st person that gave me a testi when i started using my friendster.
• he is the only person that tolerate my bullying all thw way thru high school.
• he is the one who'll let me yell at him n whack him n even bite him when i'm sad or angry.
• he alway knows.... ALWAYS....
• he annoys me at times.
• he stayed up all night n helped me wit my assignments so that i wouldnt flunk.
• he help me with me last minute works.
• he waited 2 hours tday for me to bind my proposal but i overslept. and he din even yell.
• instead, he asked me not to sped n be carefull.

so with this post, i would like to thank you benjy!

for being a fren, a true fren n my dutiful "pelampung"....

and of course.

"i'm so so so sorry!!!"

-3niGma-

the smallest little gesture

the sweetest smallest little thing he did.

wasnt that small after all.

all stressed and worked up over my assignment.

suppose to meet up with him for lunch.

wasnt really anything special actually,

as i was pretty tired n tension over homework,

and he was tired n having muscle cramps over the badminton game yesterday.

i jus wanted to meet him for lunch, thats all.

to my surprise, when i stepped into his hall.

that familiar smell reminded me of the pasar malam i use to go.

on the table was a glass plate.

and four golden yellow favourites of mine...!!

the smallest little thing he did.

wasnt that small after all.

it managed to cheer me up a little bit.

made me realised he was there after all.

he helped me to stock up my chewing gum supply for my late night copywriting work.

he helped me to cope when i was about to breakdown due to sickening group assignments.

he helped me by making me soy bean drinks when i had gastric.

he helped me by sending me late night messages when i'm doin my work.

sumtimes i do wonder, when ppl say i'm the luckiest gurl alive. because i am! i have a friend, a buddy, a bestie, a brother, a teacher and a companion all at the same time.

有时睡前躺在床上，

想想我们之前走过的。

怎么兜了兜、转了转，

跌跌撞撞又跑回彼此的怀抱里。

想起来有时都会傻笑…

也许就是要失去过，

才会懂得珍惜吧…………

-3niGma-

:: thoughts ::

spiderman3 was....awesome!!!!
not gonna spoil it for anyone.

it was good...

beyond expection...

go watch!!

go go go go!!!!!

headed down to damansara after lunch.

lingered at the curve, ikea the whole afternoon.

walking up n down.

tz showed me where he use to work.

spent the whole day talking bout wat he use to do.

all the "use-to-be's" and "once upon a time"...

went to have a look at Croc'c shoes, its CROCS nt cocks okay? laughed our butts off when sumone heard wrongly when i said "look! there gt crocs o!".... i tink he heard "cocks"... woops!! wahahahah....

den we have our choc tips choco ice creams from dairy king.. geeeesssh!! i tink we nearly made all the kiddies at the shopping mall cry wit jealousy! wahahahahah... *evil grin*

walked sumore... jalan jalan until our kaki oso tired. den we sat down for New Zealand Natural fruit juice! *ceh! taste like my hse wan oso lo... so expensive, like as if they import the fruit n the water for NZ izzit? *

the orange and the watermelon

after we collected the tickets at 8pm. then we went n makan at Genki Shushi!

the show was awesome.

the company too! *grins!*

show started at around 10.

2 and a half hours!!

sampai rumah at around 2...

whoa.... tired....

K.O.ed....

oikoik...

有你相陪，心里一点也不累！

只要有你撒娇， 能让我微笑。

知道你忙，知道你累了…

谢谢你。

真的很开心。

真的…

－210706－