mother's day.

it took me quite some while to settle down and sort out my feelings before i sat down to write this post on mother's day.
i spend my whole entire day cruising thru other peoples' blog. mother's day posts were everywhere. about how much they loved their mothers and how much they appreciate them. how they wre like sisters and that their mother's were their best friends.

i have a little something for this every special occasion.

I know we sometimes argue, and
I sometimes blow my lid.
But I still love you very much:
I'm only just a kid.

Sometimes I need to push against
The fences you erect,
Even though I know they're there
To shelter and protect.

I know you want the best for me
And to keep me from all harm.
I just want you to know
.......

i stopped there. didn't know wat to write more. point blank.
nothing came in. zilch. empty. there's so much that i wanted to say.
i din know where to start.

when i was in primary 1, teacher selected me for the school's story telling competition.
mommy was there all along, she would ask me to come to her room every night n practice.
she would jus sit there n listen so tentively, then back at the script. she help me with my voice intonations and so much more. evidenly, i did in fact won the competition. gold medal too. mommy was so proud. we went to my er ku (2nd aunt)'s hse, n my mom proudly told everyone wat i've done. my aunt den asked me to redo the story again in front of the hall. at age 7, i was so happy i could've fly over the clouds. i did not recall tho, how many of my family stayed n listened till the very end of the 5 min story. i did however remembered, my mom was one of the 5 in the whole hall of 22 people that was listening!

i guess that was how and why i became so active in storytelling, debate, syarahans and so much more later.

when i was in stardard2, i joined the same competition again. i do not know why, but mommy wasnt tat involved anymore. when i brought home the gold medal that year. she did smile, and said that i've made her proud.

standard3 was a year i couldnt forget. scripts were getting tougher and so was school. i remembered one night when i wanted to practice, i asked my mom if she wanted to listen. she nodded and there i started my story. it was a 5 minute script, but when i was at my 2min 15sec, mom feel asleep. her snores were soon even louder than my voice. i cried that night. i wept till my pillows were soggy wet and i couldn't open my swollen eyes the next day.

i started joining public speaking when i was in stardard4. mom's involvement got lesser. countless i'll-practice-while-she-snores-away time. and countless crying-my-eyeballs-out-moments too.

standard 5 was a year when i made in the the national english story telling competition. note: national! as in peringkat kebangsaan. i din win tho. i gt silver instead. i fumble i admit. coz i was the 1st to go up. nerves got into me i guess. but that wasnt the point. i went home that day, holding the prize at hand, it was taller than my school bag. i was grinning the whole way home. thinking how well i've done. during dinner, daddy asked how did i do in the competition. den mom raised her head from the table, and asked :"what competition?"

i told them the whole thing during dinner. den after dinner, i went show mom my trophy. and she asked again: "you got enter competition meh?".... "what competition?"
and i told her once again. i have to admit that my tone wasnt was poilte and bubbly as before. but heck i've told her twice already!

after that i asked if she wanna see me retell the story again. mom agreed. and i started. this time, it was a longer story. but when i gt into the 3 paragraph, mom looked at the clock on the wall and exclaimed that "the 9.30 show start liao!". so i followed her to the hall. i waited untill the tv was on, the fan was on, everything was settled and mom sat down at the sofa. i walked up to her, thought that i could finish the story. and she looked at me, and asked "why are u standing here? doneed do homework a?"

=.=
............................................

yea... as you've guessed it. i soon grew into a daddy's gurl.
its odd. i couldn'e say that i was nvr close to my mom. because, i was.
but she got busy, and tired i guess. and i needed so much more.
we grew apart, now, i cant even stay in the same room with mom for longer than 20 minutes without arguing.
dun ask me why, i dont know.
no, i'm not one of those child whose mother din cared bout her. or did her mother abuse her.
no. never. my mom loved me very much. i'm sure of that.
she makes sure i eat and i rest. she takes care of me when i am sick.

so why am i ranting? why am i whining?
she cares, but she nvr listens. not anymore.
so technically, the last time my mother listened to me, from the first word to the end, was when i was in primary 1.

i swear, before i die, i will sort this out.