shriveled up and dry

times like these i feel so lost.
i know i'm not suppose to be emo right now..
but... just a bit down laaaarrr.....
life's a roller coaster aint it?
my temper too...
i come to find that i'm a bad person.
i seem to be lashing out my anger on other people a little too often...
its not good.
i found out tday.
i suck at being someone's pelampung.
i'm unreliable.
i'm always not there.
i'm nvr punctual.
it's odd.
in fact, i lost to 4 sticks of cigarettes tday.
(at least thats wat i felt this morning)
someone who quit smoking rather go smoke 4 fags than to actually call me!
how pathetic is that?
i hate smokers who tells me PROBLEMS drive them to smoke.
i still think its an lame excuse.
and i feel worthless right now.
like zilch.
end of the sem coming.
somehow i fell fry and tired.
felt as tho i've guven all i have and had the life sucked right out of me.

-3niGma-
oh weelll.... one more week to go!

coming around again...

i've just noticed that my last post was a little bit suicidal...
ok...mayb a little more that A BIT...
no worries people...
i was just a tat tit bit more than my usual emo self...
i admit i am an extremist...
sumhow my reaction to certain thing always "over too much"....
teehee... my senses EXTRA SENSITIVE...

although i emo like shits quite often...
it does take very little to cheer me up...


high school friends.


college mates.


a packet of m&m's crispy.


thoughtful old school mates that warms my heart.


a reminder of wat use-to-be.


a reminder of wats waiting for me.

and this song...
i like simon webb's song.....

I been sitting in the darkness
But the sunlight’s creeping in
Now the ice is slowly melting
In my soul and in my skin
All the good times my friend
Are coming around again
Oh yeah

I been thinking reminiscing
Of better nights and better days
Hiding in a refuge
Of memories I've made
I got a feeling within
It’s coming around again

[CHORUS]
[It's coming around again]
We been so long waiting
For the all time high
We got a damn good reason
To put your troubles aside
And all your winter sorrows hang ‘em out to dry
Throw it away

Gotta throw it away
All the colorful days my friend
Are coming around again

That’s right
Yeah yeah Mmm

I can feel a change of fortune
No more riding on my love
Feel the weight is off my shoulders
As my feet become unstuck
And all the good times on which we do depend
Oh it’s coming around again

inpired.....
yours truly,
safe and sound,
in one piece,
:: 3niGma ::

.....

what would you do?
if you wake up tml and open the newspapers...
to find me...dead...
i dunno how...
maybe i drown myself or got hit by a reckless car..
mayb i jumped off a building or got electricuted....

no...
it wouldn't be in the headlines or the front page...
i'm no one important...
mayb in page 28 or page page 35...
a column that takes out 1/10 of the newspapaer page...
would you have noticed it?
wat would you be thinking?
oh... its her...
or maybe...
i went to the same school with her before...
or perhaps...
hmmmph... she looks fimiliar...
maybe a
gosh... i wonder wat happened....
but the truth is...
does it matter if one fine day comes when i'm gone?
would it matter to u?

lost

酱下去我们可能会分手的咯。。。
可以不要酱吗？我不想离开你。。。
我不懂。。。我想一个人静一下。。。
你都不想见我的。。。

i've never heard you when u gave up all hope.
guess i did now.
mayb it is me.
i dunno.
i'm so lost right now.

a night... a long night of insecurities.

maybe its tat i'm pms-ing.
maybe its tat i'm stressed.
i dunno.
its complicated.

the news just in.
my 2nd sis's getting married.
they just announced it during dinner.
its nex year actually.
but the plannings are on.
it was a happy thing.
but tnite....
as i lay in bed.
it was the loneliest night ever.
the slow loud antic aircond never felt so cold...
almost as cold as the reality that strucked me tnite...
i am, i will be... alone...
its just gonna be me n my parents.
i'll be 21 next year...
lying in bed in a room all alone...
call me weird... i never liked being alone...
i hate the feeling...
maybe i'm over reacting...
i dunno...
maybe its a phase...
eventho my sis n i always argued..
we never stopped bickering and biting each other's heads off....
but somehow their pressence itself is already comforting and reassuring...

all of the sudden...
i felt so insecure...
i felt so alone...
she's getting married..
(i'll finally get a room of my own!!)
but now... the idea of getting a room of my own isnt tat satisfying anymore...

yes... i'm clingy...

i'm dependant...
i depend on people emotionally too much...
jingtzer use to call me a borderline psycho...
he use to say tat my hormons must be so messed up for me to be like this...
he use to say i'm so attached n dependant that i can be depressed....
well... as i said it... he USE to say those thing...
things between us...
its even more complicated than rushing an ad campaign for copywriting class...
waaaaaaay more complicated.

my phone alarm rang at 2.30am to wake me up to finish my assignment.
but when the phone rang.
i actually thought it was you.
maybe i just wished it was you...
if only....

did i mention i love the sax?!
no... not sex..
but the saxaphone...
gosh...
i'm listening to songs even before i was born but i still love it...
yes... i'm a sucker for kenny g's classic like sillhuotte, songbird, the moment, forever in love...
remarkable... *hint hint weishan*

looping right now.. in the depressed brain of mine...
songbird by kenny g

我不知道。。。
到底是什么问题。。。
也许你说的都正确。。。
我们真的是不一样的世界吧。。。




::3niGma::

i have no idea sometimes.

sometimes. i seriously have no idea wat i wan.
i like being alone sometimes.
gives me time n space to ponder and think alittle.
about wat i've done and wat i have not done.
what i've done good and wat i could've done better.
at the same time, i hate being alone.
i hate being left out.
i'm afarid that i might be forgetten.
i hate being reminded how little i am actualy.

its compli.
有时真的很生气，
我到底要什么？
很多事情都怪自己“不应该”。
有时就说“控制不了”。
是真的吗？
发觉到自己很矛盾。
到底“要”还是“不要”？
有时很喜欢那种快感。
心里深处却一直很难过。。。
我知道是错的。
有时真的对自己很失望。