god u make me depressed.

please forgive my rantings, i'm in one of those pathetic "why meee??" mode.

no worries, being me i'm gonna bounce back into shape very soon.

ever wondered how unfair the world is?

some people can hav everything they want, yet nvr learn to appreciate them?

some people can work their arse off and still get nthg in return?

people say everything happens for a reason?is it really so?

of course, i've come to terms and accepted that nthg is fair, that we'll jus hav to work our way through it all. today is jus one of those days where it bugs me a little bit more than usual.

I'm not blessed with the healthiest condition.

I'd be the 1st to admit, i've done alot of damage to my body during my highschool/college times with those extreme hours and sleepless-foodless-stress.

i've learnt my lesson.

i really did.

i never skipped meals. i always munch when i know i'll be busy. at least a cup of oats.

i really am making an effort to nurse my stomach back into shape.

its been 2 yrs already. i thought everything would be okay.

on monday, i had this mild discomfort & pain in my abdomen area.

"must be some wind or mild gastric." i thought. drank some milo. drank loads of water and it was okay.

on tuesday, it started again. the pain. it got worse and worse. i started getting dizzy and this massive thumping headache. GGGAAAAWWWDDD!!! felt like there's this fat chicken dancing in my head! my abdomen pain got ffrom bad to worst. i drank oats, had my lunch... continue to drink sumore water... it got better.

tuesday dinner was the bomb, client flew in from HongKong. There's this whole "meet-and-greet-dinner" with the team. i sat down... had my soup.. everything was fine. then the main course, the pain started again. my stomach was like grinding like a washing machine. my face turn pale and i started to have cold sweat. SHIT. i didn't finish my main course, merely giving the reason that the fish was a bit "fishy". The last dish came, i went thru my dessert. trying to distract my thought from my churning agony. talked and chit chat with the people the table. it went okay.

Drove back, halfway passed federal, near the Carlsberg factory. Couldn't take it anymore, I pulled over, puke my guts out. i had to vomit them out. Drank more water to refresh and clear my head.

Last night was one of those nights, i couldn't sleep. sweat keep dripping off my forehead in an aircond room. my legs keep having these mysterious cramps (probably was the most tense sleep i ever had). woke up at 3am, ran to the toilet puked (i can literally see whole mushrooms from my dinner - undigested) =.=. drank more water.

woke up this morn, ate breakfast... the pain started again. I'm almost sure i know whats the problem already! den i puked again... =.= tahu dah...~

i went to the doc, told him what happen. being the family doc, doc J gav me a lecture (again) on "u have to take care of ur body! dont skip meals. u need to eat. u know u gt gastric problems".

sigh. macamlah aku x tahu. :(

i messed up the toilet so bad, mom yelled at me this morning.

until she realised i was having a gastric attack and NOT puking drunk ( i didnt even drink!)

hello my old friends..... :(

i am jealous. of those people who can choose "to eat or not to eat".

i am jealous. of those people who can do whatever they want, eat whatever they want.

i am angry. of those people who are in perfect health and goes on whining how FAT they are.

i am angry. of those people who put themselves through ridiculous diets every day.

i am angry. of those people who still do not appreciate what they have. because i've ruined mine and there's nthg i can do about it.

选择。

要我怎么做选择？

真的不想再重复当时的痛苦和伤害。

曾经，我还记得。哭哭啼啼的要求。

当天，我还记得。你给我的答案。

现在，说要改就可以改？要变就可以变？

我要怎么相信。。。

是我已经接受了，而放弃了这个希望？

还是我已经不敢要在相信我们会有这个希望？

现在我的心里，不只是“要”还是“不要”而已。

因为，这世界里并没有这么简单的事情。

不可能会有这么简单的事情。

是你教我的。

video games

i suck at video games.

ahahhah

especially the ones that need hand - eye coordination

exp:

mario , i'm always falling into longkangs, hot volcanos, memang gt sungai oso i'll fall in and mati lemas!!!

racing games, i'm always the one langgar dinding la... stuck in sand la... go terbalik la!! O.O

memalukan betul.

:P

only thing i'm good at would be guitar hero. LOLs

*proud*

ahahhaha.

it was fun!! dinner with family.... drinking coffee... abit of whisky... good food... wii games (eventho i suck at it)... lousang for the dunno how many times.... eating kerepek.. :P

-------------------------------------------

ever seen tommy playing his toy?

after some time, he jus got bored.

and he never played with the toy anymore.

he jus left the toy there.

until one day, john saw the toy all by itself.

he likes the old toy.

he wants to play with the toy.

all of the sudden, tommy wants to play with the toy again.

jus because someone else likes it.

just because it was originally tommy's toy.

he owned it, and no one else can have it.

how unfair is that?

Chinese New Year @ Muar

Keong Hee Huat Chai!!

ethan learn a new phrase this year:

"Gongxi Gongxi. HHUUAATTTTT AAAAAA!!!"

:P

yehyeh is gonna love him so much more.

My CNY dress!

it's been a tradition, since before amah passed away.

to always wear dress/skirt on CNY1.

:)

i like mine!

i like it coz its brown. (not ANG ANG RED)

i like it coz its comfy. (not tight n itchy!)

i like it laaaa.... kenot meh??

I'll always look at it and smile... and rmb mandy coz without her i wun have this dress!!

*hearts* mandy!

drove down to muar

(coz daddy sick liao)

2 and half hours later

(coz byk speed trap!!)

we reach uncle#7's hse!!

cheeewaaah~~ berlambaks the cars in the house.

all the aunties n uncles balik d...

luckily the next few houses oso uncles...

i still find it weird, my uncle #8,#6,#4 & #7 stay same row.
(coz same piece of land from ah gong la.)
uncle #5 oso coming d, his hse building next door.

=.=

The 1st sight i remember of muar?

The super duper tinggi antenna!!!

kononnye to curi singapore channel.

(really can de wo!)

we went back to popo's old hse.

:)

i really miss it.

eventho we do not spend alot time here...

but alot of kiddo memories still cant stop making me smile.

:)

in the evening.

i love the evening sunlight in muar.

(got difference meh?? KL x same??)

i dunno.... its different to me...

very strong rays... warm but not burning...

still feel "clean"... not sticky n dusty.

:P

call me an ulu-kampung-girl.

i dun care!

the garden... :)

we use to chase our cousins... curi popo's flowers and cook "masak-masak".

almost curi till botak!!

seee... i hilang so many years d...

the bunga so berlambak and subur!!

the swing we use to play "choo choo train"

damn noisy the swing..

"yyiiiiiiii oooooooo yyyiiiiiii oooooooo"

we'll pretend its a train and while our cousins jump in and jump.

kiddo betul!

tapi suka jugak~

*love grass*

daddy say its call love grass coz it sticks to our socks.

so love is sticky too? :P

i remember telling my friends last time.

"my popo's hse has this big padang behind, very big one!"

that day when i saw it, "OMG what happen to the padang!!"

i realized how much we all grown up.

the BIG padang, right now.... seems so small.

its amazing how we see things when we're younger.

everything seems bigger and so much more magical.

these hoops were used to hang our clothes.

our clothes will all hang on these looooong poles.

and popo will cucuk them through these loops.

if raining, we'll keep them in!

there's more loops also in the garage area where its covered.

:)

Chinese New Year.

to me...

its all about family.

its all about being there with them.

give them ur best wishes and blessing.

for them to have a great year ahead.

for them to have great health and happiness.

its just that simple.

:家:

new years.

everytime when new year comes.

theres always this sense of anticipation.

when we start to buy carton & cartons of beer *thx to mandy's vouchers, so much more beers this yr...

when we start cleaning the house and fight over "wanna throw this? or dont wanna throw this?"

when we start calling all our siblings to balik rumah and deco the hse, hanging lights... red clothes... oranges.

i remember when amah was around, we'd sit down and start cutting the angpao packets.

into little little lanterns, fishes, all sorts.

amah would teach us new ones every few yrs, those that she learn from others and the newspapers cut outs, some even her own invention i think.

i remember days when we use to sit beside the glass window in the afternoon, and she'll tear out papers from her old school exercise books. We'll spend the whole afternoon making boats, paper balls, paper cranes... Come to think of it, amah was the one to sparked my interest in DIY arts & crafts since i was a kid. she was the reason why i loved making cards & handicrafts. :)

When new year came, amah always makes these huge angpao lanterns. and every year there'd be some new inventions & addition, some flowers, some gold decors, tails, different shapes, different designs. Amah's angpao lanterns were always something we'd look forward to. :)

and being amah, she'll make 4 different pairs of angpao lanterns, eventho 1 is already so hard to do. She'll make 8, and give them to every single house. so we all have smthg to hang on CNY.

i never did learn up those huge lanterns, probably i was too young, or too busy or jus *regretfully* too lazy.

When she started falling ill, we rarely did these crafts anymore. Until when she passed away, we kept the last pair that amah made, and we used it for a few more yrs. Like treasures they were to us. We tried to preserve it so much. Somehow it felt different, to have her touch in the house.

Today, (4 yrs after amah passed on)... we had our prayers in the morning, on the day before CNY. more like a family reunion, we gathered for lunch & dinner. On the table was all of amah's fav dish, even down to DURIANS! amah loved durians!

Indeed there was that sense of anticipation for the CNY, but sumhow, there's also this strong sense of emptiness, that she's not here. Her lanterns had also withstand the test of time, falling apart already. So today, after lunch... i sat down and started to make the huge angpao balls.

its a frustrating process, serious! all the details... I'm so ashamed of the details which i did not noticed at first. :(

But here's the outcome. *amah i love u

LB has this really cute thing this CNY where they give out stickers and you can deco ur own Mandarin Oranges! dress them up and they'll be your Lucky Tigers!!

:)

Gave them to my cousins today, they loved it! so adorable!!

charmaine's Mr Wonderful!
Chadric's nose-less tiger.
Charlene's I-want-everything-on-it tiger!

Happy Chinese New Year People!

:)

wondering and thinking.

saw this from keith.
couldnt seem to control my tears when i was reading it through.
*sigh*

某一天，你拨我的电话号码，语音告诉你我已经停机。你会不会难过？
某一天，你的手机不再频繁的响起，你会不会不停的等待？
某一天，你的邮箱收件箱里，不再有人可怜兮兮的说你好吗？你有没有好好吃饭，有没有好好照顾自己。你会不会不停的期盼？
某一天，不再有人无论是深夜还是白天都坐在电脑旁等待着你上线，等待着可以打电话给你，你会不会失落？

如果真的到了那样的一天，我还是希望你有一点点的难过，一点点的失落，一点点的想我，只要有一点点关于我的记忆就好，真的只要一点点就好。

某一天，你打开电脑，我的头像变成了永远的灰色，不要说我不守承诺，那是我感觉到累了，倦了，也真的受伤了。
某一天，你的生活中没有了我，请记住我对你的好；我的宽容。你要记得，我们虽然在地球的不同角落，但是我们头上顶着同一片蓝天。
某一天，你的记忆中没有了我，不要忘记我们在一起的每一分每一秒，不要忘记我喜欢什么，讨厌什么。而我无论如何都不会忘记任何一个关于你记忆的片断，你习惯什么，反感什么。

感情世界里，没有“公平”两个字，我不会计较这些，我们在一起的时间，会是我这辈子里最美丽的回忆。
我还要你记得答应过我什么，许诺过我什么。
如果有一天，你叹气的时候我不再去安慰你，你难过的时候不再陪你一起难过，心碎的时候不再去陪你一起心碎。
那是我真的绝望了，真的心碎了，真的疲倦了。

因为有太多太多的时候，我都是装，总是装作无所谓，可是我真的不在乎吗？而你呢？会在乎我的一切吗？