i wanna puke

:: home work ::
i wanna throw up...had been rushing asses like nobody's business... i finally finished my perspective assignment...n i have another half of my liquor bottle to render... i hate marker rendering!!
alkohol markers making me sick!! after days of inhaling the markers, i'm starting to tink mayb
the alkohol i inhaled is making me tipsy!!

:: fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ::
i hate being sick... temperature goin up n down... getting whoooo~sy! mayb i am tipsy! my nose is dripping like crap... momie say i remind her of christmas becoz i freaking look like 
rudolph!!

:: PMS-ing :: still?::
mayb its the stress... mayb its the fatigue... but this month's pms is a killer!! i'm sweeling up like a water ballloon...AND!!! i not only look big...it hurts too!!!! *pouts!!* i wanna be a guy!! other normal syptoms include headache, cramps n fatigue!!!

:: emo ::
i dunno wat happen to me... i did the silliest thing!! i bumped into this mtv in the tv tday...
mivheal wong guang liang - [yue ding] promise
by the end of the mtv, i was tearing n sobbing like a baby.. swear to god! i freak myself out!! y the hell was i crying over a 7mins mtv??!

actually, i do get the mtv... it relates to me.. in a weird, freaky, emo way....
a promise, an agreement, a pledge...
sometimes, we get so caught up with our own web, searching n striving for our dreams... we neglect the very essence of our existance... we neglect the ppl right in front of us...
sometimes, we're so absorbed into climbing higher than we forgot to look below at the ppl who are pushing n supporting us... all the way...
be it frens or family... we do that sometimes... we tend to tink...we are the whole world...
but if a single phrase, a single call, a single promise can pull u back to reality...
remind u wats the real truth...
thats wat its about...




:: us :: :bond: :trust: :frens?: :lovers?: :companion: :warmth: :hugs: :a place: :home: :faith:
:: melts!:: :patience: :hugs: :hoodie: :waiting: :acceptance: :shoes: :late night: :eyes: :arms:
:: sorry:: :busy: :neglect: :homework: :ignore: :100days: :grades: :pressure: :TERsleep:
:you: :me: :circle: :never ending: :promise: :hold: :ring: :never alone: ::love::

:: blergh!! ::

lYd tagged me.... but cant do now coz my brain is full of shyte... i promise i'll do it rite after my assignment period k?? promise!!! honest!! *big puppy eyes* *blink blink*

i hate drawing... n i'm starting to hate lines...  try filling out 2 a4 size drawing wit jus 0.1 thickness pen!!
*bonkers*... i wanna die!! kill me now!! please... begging u!! anyone!! aM3 was rite...i wanna throw up... serious... *blergh!*... at this point... EVERYTHING is fugly!! i repeat ... EVERYTHING!!!

i'm starting to form a serious marker phobia... *urgh~~!!* marker rendering sucks!! big time... my eyes are swelled up...n my nose is stuffy! the smell of alkohol in my messy room is jus as bad... if nt worst...

i hate PMS-ing!! ish... not now...not during assignment time...!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! my suffer from a not-so-common PMS syptoms... namely "swelling"... *ahem* my breast .... 
and i hate it!!! it hurts...~! boohoo!!! i dun like... they look big... which is not gud... NOT gud at all... *bluek!* ....
::pouts!::

====== whoa======
 
okays... chilled....
aaaaaaAAAAaaaaaa~~~~~~hhhh...
tat feels better... jus me n my broggie...
its raining...
i can hear it loud n clear from my room....
every raindrop...every soft thunder...
i like it when it rains...
it comforts me....
i took kancil out for a drive jus now...
it feels nice... n relaxed....
i enjoy driving alone.... jus me n my space... no mommie yelling "BRAAAKEEEE!!!"... no daddie reminding me "dun so fast a..."... n best of all... wit all the sounds of the rain... no tension on honking rude drivers... everything is.... serene... cool...

i came home wet of course coz kancil doesnt have a place in my porch... btw..i like being wet too... frankly, theres nthg related to water that i dun like.... i went upstairs n filled the bathtub wit hot water... HOT...quote mommie's definition "u wanna cook soup oso doneed so hot la" unquote... i took of my wet clothes... put them in the laundry basket... went n get a warm, dry towel n dipped myself in the tub... at times, i'll put my whole head in the water... completely submerged in the water... i like that feeling... its like a sound barrier... whenever it feels suffocating n my heads turning... i'll take a shower...b4 the tub...i jus use the basin... but the tubs waaaaaay better.... when i'm in there, i can hear nthg... no thunder, so cars, no yelling moms, no barking dogs... its my own world... a time for me to clear my thoughts...  a time for me to rearrange my thoughts... a time for me to acknowledge my day...
:: a time for me to sayang me ::

in around 15 mins... i'm done... pulled the plug, got out og the tub... dried myself n wrap myself in my dry towel... its 4.30pm... once out of the steamy, warm bathroom, i step right into my airconded room... ppl use to tell me that i'll fall sick like this... but the chills are exhilarating... still in my towel, i locked the door n crept into my bed...under the warm covers... n i jus lay there for another 15 mins... holding his hoodie... i tot of him... i smiled... i msged him... i closed my eyes...n i dosed off....

::: 15 mins later :::
the phone rings... TZ called to wake me up...
n i'm back to work....



...
.....
......
........


........
......
....
...

stil working...

: 3niGma :

: finding myself :

i was walking tday... had nthg to do... FYI..i'm one of the psycho peeps that like to walk in the rain...
i noe... weird... but i like...with umbrella of course!

i walked passed this kindergarden... i saw this little chinese gurl fell down right on the pavement... 
but b4 i could go to get her...this little indian boy came running her...(btw the rain was HEAVY! there wasnt any raindrops..its more like BUCKETS n BUCKETS of water pouring down...!!) the little indian boy was dry under the porch n he jus dashed out... apparently the little chinese gurl punya shoelace tertanggal... den the little indian boy stayed under the rain to tie her shoelace!! so the comel!! kesian oso la... i went there with my umbrella n helped dem la...

i went to pick up my fren's younger sis that day from hinhua...i use to do that everyday when i was in highschool...i would walk up to her school i wait at her front gate...den i'll walk her to the opposite busstop where we would take the same bus home... when i saw her i was surprised at how fluent her chinese was! she's malay btw... but surprisingly, her frens were theminority in schools...yunno...the malay n indian that enrolled in the chinese prinary school... and ALL of them comunicate in chinese!

when i was in secondary school... i mix wit the chinese... not only JUS chinese... i only mix wit my kind... CHINESE... science stream... shit like that...even tho i use to play wit the indian boys in my neighbourhood... even tho i use tobe pretty close to malays during form3... till the end... its jus chinese...

that day my dad was driving n this lunatic driver cut my dad's path with merely 1inch left in between them... my mom immeadiatly said... "must be indian driver la! siao wan!" i jus stared blankly at em... why must be indian? i doubt there any difference between em n us chinese despide the color la...recently some houses in my neighbourhood got robbed... n when asked wat happen... the aunties will start the " raya lio ma!! sure the malays la!"....

i seriously dun understand why...when we were young we din care wat color u were...or wat language u spoke... my dad use to play basketball wit malays when he was a lad... my indian neighbour use to be able to speak hokkien coz she mix wit chinese when she was schooling... but when we are out in the society, we tend to categories ppl... n we tend to be biased... we only see wat we choose to see n believe wat we choose to believe... some say its better this way..i tink not... ppl say that as we grow up...we'll learn to see more.. i tink as we grow up, we choose to see less.... last time it was "the boy seems nice, he laughs alot, mayb we can be frens"...now its "that man, wow...look at his car... ew! bad hair la!...but he's rich wert! n he's popular too..." ... somtimes jus looking at children..it does make me ponder: whose teaching n whose shud be learning? mayb we shud learn from toddlers like them...their innocence n naive is overwhelming... they help ppl because the want to...we help ppl its always the "wats the catch?" dilemma.... y is it so hard? y must we make things so complicated? isnt it time for us to look back into ourself? to find who we truly are? back to the very basic...the very core...

during my sleepless nights... i took a journey myself... boxes... tapes... photos... everything..
i went thru my past... times when i din care wat other ppl think... i like wat i liked...even tho ppl thinks its weird.. n nt my age....
my top three fav shows?

woman on top...


this isnt a  porn k? as horny n pornographic the title may seem..its a absolutely normal show...
its a show about love... even better its a show about TRUE love... the ones that isnt controlled by spells n curses... love that isnt defined by status and race...

sex and the city...



this is a show bout frenship... n sex... different lives... different partners... different situations... different personality... n yet they stood by each other...
so what if its also revovling about sex? its nt the core of the story... 
the finale season was emofying.... but it doesnt proves the the storyline...
tat frens stick to each other... mayb shows like this was poissoning my mind... 
mayb thats why i put so much pressure in my own highschool clique... i wanted that...
mayb its jus bogus!

ally mcbeal...



this is the ultimate... flame to dust... lovers to frens... why must all good things come to an end?
ally mcbeal is gooooood... love, lost, frens, lovers, faith, hope.... the whole emo package!

::3niGma::

bad day...

tday was sucky... mom decided to literally take a ride early in the morn...i do mean EARLY!!! like 6.30am early... reached coll a bit late...*thanks to whining mommie dearest!* she gets on my nerves sometimes.... grumpy auntie!! ish!! reached college...photo was a drag tday... turns out the photo was messed up...the whole time i was jus trying to keep a clear head n NOT go "kaboom!!"... i jus dun get it.... i was in charge of sticking the freaking photos... turns out some was wrong..swear to god i jus followed the order!! we arranged it... it was passed to me... i even double checked the numbers!! i find it abit cacat...so i double checked wit my fren... they said "jus follow"... so i did... the numbers were in the usual order....seems okay to me... wtf!? URGH!!! u shud've seen their faces... it was like the "its your fault la!" "did u messed it up?" "arrange d lio lo!" ..... fuck off! and i'm nt being hostile... please....

i've been using mizunderstood as my nick since i was primary... coz i've alweays felt that way... ppl dun get me... some try...some jus act as tho they do... n it sucks... they jump into assumptions n conclutions waaaaaaaay b4 they get the picture.... dun judge a book by its cover.... some read the 1st few chapters n think they know the whole story... well... *newsflash!* YOU DONT KNOW A SINGLE BIT!! so...either continue reading... or jus give up n go write ur own book!! stewpid !@$%!@#$ *donkey*!!! after that i changed into using enigmatic...trying to stop ppl from even trying to read the book! i was talking to BT, ET and aM3 during GD class that day...its usual when we r chatting wit ET...its normally dirty talk... typical of ET...i have no idea why... but then pops a topic bout guys penis... BT jus shrugged coz ET was teasing her for being wit her guy for 1 year n 8 months...i think... we were chuckling away...den ET asked me the same question... i stared at him wide eyed...n i replied... "i dunno...haven seen one.." ...* truth!!! cross my heart!!!* n aM3 replied... "sure or not"....in a very very sarcastic way...
watthecrap?! akakak...toldcha ppl misunderstand me....haihs....

ppl are usually shocked at how inexperience i am... and i dun get it! do i look like sum chick thats "been around the block"? mayb i do... mayb its because i act openly to alot of stuff... mayb its because i'm always boy crazy... i check out any guy thats walking pass!... mayb its my attire... mayb its the breast *wtf? ahahha... JL n ET told me that...* how true? i have no idea....but i have my limits...i really do...  i have trust issues... n i dun just let ppl in... i built a tall, thick wall to protect me from harm... n in the end... makes me look cold n cruel... but i like it that way... sometimes feeling strongly for someone would only end up hurting urself... so i rather feel nthg... a fling shall stay a fling.... unless i think otherwise.... theres a truth behind this cold face...there is stil a heart beating behind this mask i wear everyday... 
ppl think i'm cold, fact is i'm actually a hopeless romantic... 
the whole cliche: i pledge my love, destiny, flowers, melting moments... i'm a sucker for those....
ppl think i'm shallow, fact is as long as it feels right...i wouldn't mind...
i've never wanted a cute boyfren... infact i rather the boyfren not be so cute... my motto is "cute r only lookers, not keepers"...
ppl think i'm strong, fact is i wasnt born like this...
there was a time i was dependent n needy n whiny...
n those were the times are i was hurt, n let down n dissappointed... so i grew out of it...

so there u have it... me...
unmasked....
hurt... 
broken...

on the  bright side...watched happy feet tday wit aM3 n BT...!!! ooooooooooooooooooo... i like the show!!! so the cute!! gud show!! gud choice aM3!! *hugs!! when home tapping all the way in the rain..!!!

:: love :: death ::

its kinda weird how life can be?
things jus seem to turn when u least expected it....
the fact that i cant sleep....*i've been being a pig all my life!*
got me thinking of loads of emo stuff....



here's smthg to thing about... its from a show ally mcbeal... i loved this show...
cried buckets during this epi... emo~~

:: you :: me :: love :: lost :: hope :: faith ::

who can say for certain... maybe you r still here...
i feel u all around me...
your memories so clear...
deep in the stilness i can hear u speak...
you are still an inspiration...
you are mine, forever loved...
your are watching over me from up above...



i went to JL's dad funeral tday... TZ went wit me... i picked sk n mp up on the way too...
no...TZ din noe JL...but he came wit me anyways... i wasnt prepared for this..not yet...not now...
i stepped into the funeral parlour... everything was so familiar... the casket... the ppl...every whole thing... the faces... the sadness... the lost... the hurt...
JL was typical of him...being the strong, carefree, ever smiling johnny boi... he's always tough...he's always been... he's been smiling n chatting wit us as tho nthg jus happened... but deep in his eyes... smthg is missing..he's lost the little twinkle in his eyes... u can see the hurt in his eyes...how hard it is for him to continue like this...we were introduced to his mom... jus looking at her makes my heart whithered n broken... she looked so pale...
 
having frens around really helps... it felt alright at the start... nthg was wrong...JL was cheerful..we were chatting along... den it was time to send dem home...we dropped sk 1st...she has exams tml.... den we dropped mp.. after that... it started... the memories...the tears...almost instantly... i was clentching my hands to get a grip of my own crumbling emotions... gawd i missed her so much! i couldn't stand it... if TZ wasnt driving...i would've drove up the curb coz my eyes were blurred....

he held my hand n he told me softly... " now do u noe why i insisted on following?" "sometimes, u may think that the wound is healed... yet fresh blood is still flowing inside... dun deny it... it doesnt mean that if u ignored it, choose not to think about it... it will heal itself... becoz it wouldn't..."  "it hurting... i noe it... but no matter what u still need to face it... i'm nt asking u to forget her... neither am i asking u to wipe everything away..." "what i am asking is for u to accept  the truth... n let yourself live again... stop hurting yourself out of guilt... you're jus causing more pain to yourself..." "you noe i'm here... you're not alone..."

: johnny :

nt feeling well tday... after class i went straight back home... luckily aM3 cut me loose from donuts duty... reached home... n i went straight to bed...i tried to sleep...as hard as i could.... i shut my eyes tight.... but i can still feel the loud thumping inside my head...i jus couldnt sleep...

weeping n sobbing hysterically due to frustration....i crept down my bed n pulled a small tin box from under my bed... it was an old mooncake box... i opened it...
n there it was...folded neatly in a plastic bag was the last set of my amah's pyjamas... i opened the the bag...n took the clothes out...lay them on my bed... n i started to cry...i've always had problems sleeping when i was young... hyper kids always suffered from nightmares...
n i would crawl into amah's bed...gawd i missed her so much...

suddenly the phone rang.... i woke up... i picked up the phone n it was kx on the line... for the 1st 5 secs, i jus realised that i finally slept!! for an hour plus... den after that.... i heard... "john's dad jus passed away... we're going to see him tnite...u wanna follow?"

my heart dropped.... i totally blanked out... how could it be? no... not to john... y john? he was the most cheerful n fun guys i've ever known... alwasy the life of the party... he's on the the "egg shell guys" we use to call em... hard on the outside...soft in the inside....

as i lie in bed... thinking...whether to go tnite or tml night... the whole vision of a funeral came into my mind... it was no random funeral... i saw amah's funeral... n i started to weep again..as i did on the three day ceremony early this year... i weeped till my eyes were puffy n i stil cant stop... i clentched on to amah's pyjamas n i cried... the whole scene... the coffin.... the orchids photo frame which held my amah's photo... the flowers... everything.... amah too...

n it struck me...i may nt be strong enuff to go to a funeral yet.... even the tot of the funeral made me cry bickets..i dowan john to see me like this...he's having a hard time already... n a weeping, puffy eyed, sobbing me would nt help.... i asked XL wat time they r goin... A,XL,KT,JS...they'll all be goin tml....after school...n i have afternoon class.... *there goes the plans to goin wit company*...

i'll see what i can do...

i noe ur goin thru a hard time now...jus now on the phone... u sounded ok..i noe what ur trying to do... trying to be all strong n macho for mom n ur bro... i noe that saying "i understand" would be a serious understatement...n believe me..i really dun understand... i noe losing a family member is hard...but losing a dad is worst... he was a great guy... theres no doubt to it... he had always been an idol, a role model... n a great teacher... he was brave n he fought hard... the long journey has been tiring..but at least he's nt suffering anymore....

babe...i'll always be here...

:3niGma:

: sexy :

so...u wanted sexy, sir?
i'll giv ya sexy....
check this out....


look at her bum....hot ey? whoa....


aint she a beauty? lying on my sofa... jus look at her.... *sweats!*


check out this looker... nice proportions... gud structure...beautiful ribs...whoa...
 
akakka...sexy enuff for ya'll?
ehehhe...not bad for an amateur wert!!!
wahahaha....i like...
akakak...din know dadee had such a hot sexy collection...

wahahha...
*obviously i'm goin bonkers*

: enigma :

urgh!!!

gawd help me....!!! my sand man disappeared!!! i cant sleep....!!!
its been three nights!!!! i cant sleep!!! i lie in bed...tired...*tired is an understatement k?*....every muscle in my body aching...but I CANT SLEEP!!!!!
ish!!! i'm falling sick..migrains coming back... fever....dizzy...shyte!! nt gud!! matiiiii-loh!!! 

::goin bongkers::

i dyed my hair yesterday...but the color nt obvious!! luckily...i tot i was gonna look like a freaking red traffic light!!! wahahahah...soweee.... haihz...work overloaded...but fatigue is getting to me... hands shaking like crap!! cant do markers oso!!! dizzy...its a killer!!! *HELP*

i find ppl in the creative line confusing... Mr L told me that day that he wanted a pic of a sexy bottle...eh? i was like ...."......".....speechless....wha~at?! i know sexy ladies...sexy butt...sexy dress... sexy hunks....nt sexy BOTTLES!!!how sexy can a bottle be anyway?! ish...confusing!! i looked up online... din find my so-called sexy bottle...none of em looked SEXY!!! ish!!!mati lo!! haih... so i pulled out my dad's liquor collection n took a few shots....*photo la* akakakak.... hope it will do...

:3niGma:

i need to sleep!!! why the crap is wrong wit my system?!

cant sleep...sick

i'm sick...fever...n i still cant sleep...!!

J tagged me...hmmm...do it now la...

When was the first time you......

Had your first real kissreal?
wats real? erm... 16...i guess....

Fell in love
love..aiyohhh..subjective-nye~!hmmm... yea.... 15 la...

Lost someone close to you?
this year...january...

Tried alcohol
ehehehhe...TRIED ey? erm... shandy counts a? if its counted den 10 or 11 i tink... if nt...den 14 lo...

Got your heart broken?
2005

Got arrested by a teacher for bringing phone to school ?
never....aint that dumb!!!

Smoked a cigarette
......!!!  
????!!!
!!!
wtf?

Broken a bone
whoa....mau kira ke? tak tau la!!!

Got cheated on
17

Rode the bus
eheheh..i sit bus go school la....kindergarden too!!ermmm...6 years old lo!

Went to a concert
wat type of concerts?? i doubt i've been to any..."kachiiiing!!" wakakak.... rally gt la...

Dyed your hair
jus now!!! 7.45pm!!!

Got a car
guess kancil is considered mine rite? eheheh..18 lerrr...

Got your own cell phone
erm..phone....14 i tink..or 13...some where there la...

Snuck out of the house
tempted to...but i din.... couldn't la!!! *angel*

First time u got drunk?
proud to say... i never got TISPY!!! NEVEER!!!

first time u slap a person?
i don't slap ppl la..

first time u get a guy/girl number?
oooooo...i like this wan!! eheheh...but i cant remember la... 1st number a scored a? erm... 14?!
wahahaha....

shyte..i dun even wanna tag ppl la...u feel like doin den u do la...
:goin bonkers:

updates!

updates...!!! havent done that in ages!!! ehehehhe....

wed.  leo meeting canceled...so i went to class after lunch... hmmm... mp&s is sooooooo dead.... altho Mr N is alrite... but the class!!! *urgh!!! ekonomi graphs interest rate increase growth rate business trade cycle depression recovery properity reccesion...oh!! pening!!! tday had pop quiz... ehehe...did pretty alright... 16/16...objective wert!!! wahahhahah.... came out of class all drained out n blurr... tday's lecture wan confusing enuff... so the technical!! got tutoring from TZ... apparently he's gud!! hmm... din noe he actually excel in a school sub...

thurs. ooooo...i packed my tripod n off i went for OF's photography!!! stewpid tripod in my bag keep cucuk-ing my back la!!! sakit!!! balik rumah all bengkak lio!!!! i dunno whether is it the class or the fact that we only hav 1group in the whole class thus we hav all OF's attention..n we get to use everything!! but studio&lighting class was uber fuuuuunflash! flash! flash! F8! F5.6!flash again! flash!wanted to go home early coz it was gonna rain... akakak..but BT was home alone...n she ask if i wanna teman her or not...haiyaaaah!! ma stay lo...akaka....went back around 4 smthg... but it was fun...we watched take the lead together!!

take the lead!!watched the show at TZ's comfy tv room.... nice...but one thing missing... WHY NO SOFA OR CHAIR wan?? so the cacat...kena guna tilam!! akakka...but the show was gud!! watched it twice!!! once wit BT..that wan abit cacat la..coz she keep asking me WHY? HOW? den the sound gt prob...so we share the earphones... den wit TZ... that wan the music was BOOMING is the room la..literally BOOMING!!! wahahah... the show was gud la... antonio banderes is hot la..in a macho spanish crusader way... *woot..he acted in deperado! that was HOT!!* AND he has a hot butt!!! serious!!! nice arse!! wahahah... slow slow quick quickslow slow quick quick after all...takde tiga...dua aje!! paiseh!!*  i like.. 

:: wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ::

attention all ladies...
allan wu is HOT!!
california borned american chinese ...
host for the amazing race asia....
his a hot sizzling hunk!!







::meltz:: hot hunky asian...