:boxes

i have a lot of boxes in my room... 
yea...boxes... all shape n sizes...fancy ones n big TV boxes...i have it all... 
n inside em are all my emo memories... yea..u heard me... i keep my memories... EVERYTHING...
down to the lil piece of tissue u gave me.... n the lil shreds of wrapping paper... every string... every cut out...lil notes...everything....letters... tear washed cards... everything...

:letting go:
            :depressed:
         :missing the old days:
:regrets:         :sorrow:
            :feeling hollow:     :pain:
:pure emptiness: 
     :sad:         :tired:

yea... i guess tats about all the emotion n feeling running thru me den...

i sat at the corner last night... it was 2.30am... i jus woke up from crying after i came back from modern last night... i snugged down n dragged all the boxes out...
i took tis particular pink box out n i opened it... safely tucked inside was our stuff... things from form1... when we 1st met... u were my 1st fren at the temple. u were the one tat talked to me 1st... it feels odd being in a new enviroment... tho we weren't from the same school...we had so much in common... i took a piece of half done knitting... i chuckled abit... i can still remember teaching u how to knit during the holidays... u wanted to make a scarf for him... so i wanted to teach u... it wasnt done tho... coz he broke ur heart..i remember those long midnight phone calls when i couldnt even make out wat u were wailing about... after that...u made me a handkechief...but u din finish tat too coz i din teach u how to end the knots... i wiped off the tears tat was compiling around my eye... i hate this... i folded the handkerchief carfully as if it was made of glass... n there i saw it.. the note... it was the last thing tat i received form u... i read it again n again...i can fell your pain n ur anger in it... "bitch... how could u?" how could i wat? babe..i din do anything..... "u noe how much i love him... u noe..how could u do this to me?" i noe how much u felt from him..tats why i even tried to patch things up..i know about his affairs... i was trying to stop him. "i hate u! i shudnt have trusted you!! you're nthg but a back stabbing bitch!" tears were flowing uncontrollably now... i couldnt stop it... i hate it... i quickly shuved the boxes back in...

at the verge of breaking down, i caught a glimsp of that lil orange box....oh crap..nt this wan...

i carefully pulled the string like ribbon of the box... it was the ribbon he gave me to tie my hair in form3... i still dunno wat the string was actually coz he jus pulled it out from his bag... but it meant smthg...inside...at the top of the pile, was a blood stained hanky..gross huh? the blood on it...it was mine... i fell down n stepped on glass... he piggy backed me all the way down 2 floors to help me...
we've always been close.. but there's smthg in tat moment... his face, his eyes, n he was freaking fierce too... he yelled at me when i insisted tat i can walk down to get the medic... without asking, he picked me up n brought me down... i've never seen him so angry...and so.... so worried... he din say a word after tat.... no a single word... he held my foot down while he try to get the glass out... his expression... its almost like...like ...he was hurt too.... i've never seen him so frustrated b4...never... he told me he dowanne see me get hurt... he doesnt know why...but he jus dowanna see me hurt... i knew he cared...but nt tat much... we've been best frens ever since...

tats it, i closed the box... n i picked up the phone... n i miss called him...
he msged me back immeadiately "babe, still awake? very late liao ooo..."
and i jus replied him 4 words " i saw her tday..."
and he called me back...

i poured everything out...EVERYTHING...he actually already knows most of it coz he was also in our clique... but he still listened... i needed to let it all out... i needed someone tat understands wat i'm goin thru...i needed someone tat understood me... i needed him...
we talked till the sun was up this mornin n he had to go to work... i felt kinda bad as he was really tired..
but he made heck some sense... *sighs*

mayb i do have prob letting go... i'm still slinging on the the memories....he says tat i'll have the memories forever n so will she... its been 6 years and perhaps she aint gonna be nad at me forever... time will heal the wounds...den the scars would hurt tat bad... after tat mayb i'll get me chance to ease her scars...
but till den, i need to learn to let go...let it slide... he can see that i'm at the end of my line now... he can see tat i'm tired...emotionally... perhaps it is time to let go... give her space... mayb it is time tat i treat myself wit a lil more kindness...
he was right... i aint tat strong...no matter how hard i try to cover up...no matter how gud i am at acting strong...i'm craking... i cant live alone in this world...everyone needs sumebody... i was holding back my tears so badly... he said its okay to cry... even the strong one feel sad... 
i din wanna cry... tears are weaknesses...thats my theory...but he din think so... i will feel better if i cry n let it all out.. n i did... i cried...*again*.... but this time i din force my self to stop... its him... there's no need to act...there's no need to cover for he sees thru it all...

though of the day: i will treat myself better... give myself some pampering time...n let the rest flow...it isnt my way..but i will try to... one thing i noe for sure... i aint alone...

:3niGma: out